Gospodi Pomiluj

Thank you all for your kind and comforting words. As you can imagine, our morning meeting was very sad. I was worried I wouldn't get through the chairing responsibilities but I did what I've been taught and I prayed and while I cried throughout much of the meeting I did manage to chair in a calm peaceful manner. I made sure to let our newcomers (of which we had 3) know that this would not be a normal AA meeting, that our group was grieving. And I have to say, they are what it was all about. We gave out a 24 hour chip. People who were not on our member list added their name. People who did not have a phone list took one. A member of our meeting who has been struggling for the last 2 years came and got her 90 day chip. She also brought her son..their first unsupervised visit together. It was incredibly healing to see her there with him. Powerful. The woman who I went to see last night came. She wanted to comfort me..she with 3 days of sobriety. She was there when I was told last night. As I was letting her know about the meetings for today..I told her that this morning's meeting would be a tough one. She came anyway. That is how it works. She joined a group for breakfast afterwards. Powerful.

I extended the meeting until everyone who wanted and needed to share did. These were not decisions I made, these were thoughts that came to me. I think it helped. I know it did me. I put a single yellow rose tied in ribbon on her chair. The other thing that was pretty traumatic for me was that a potrait of her is hanging on the wall where we meet. We meet in a church meeting room and they also use it as an art gallery. G is an artist, brilliant I might add and has a perspective of the back of her head...So that was very tough for me to see this morning. But we got through it...and will continue to go through it as long as we hold each other close.

I am all those feelings that come with suicide. From what I understand from the oldtimers, this is not uncommon...I knew that ...but had not experienced this yet. That's one of the things that has struck me. I am being asked..is this your first? Yes it is. It is devastating. But as devastating as it is..I will choose to remember the things about T that made me love her. Her sense of humor, her loyalty, her honesty, her smile, her laugh, her concern, her fierceness as a mother, and yes her strength. She endured alot in her lifetime. And she kept coming. She kept struggling, she knew IT was there somewhere and she kept looking. I am sorry she did not find IT here. I hope she will find IT where she is. I will choose to remember T in a positive light. But I will take the lessons. And I will keep myself wrapped in the comfort and guidance of fellowship and continue my long distance conditioning by running up and down those steps (Thank you RipGurl).

That said, I cannot get the image of her doing this out of my head and if I find out my image is how it was done...I will be freaked out. As you might imagine, rumors are flying around. The how, why, when, where, and what of it. I wrote last night that it was a gun...I don't even know about that anymore. When the dust settles it doesn't really matter does it? She's gone. We are still very concerned about her boyfriend...he was not in hiding yesterday..his cell phone is broken...he didn't know. He found out like I did. Someone assumed he knew and asked if there was anything they could do. This morning..on the way to the meeting..as they were brushing snow of their cars. Probably on his way to pick her up. And he was told. We don't know anything about her daugther, where she is, who she is with. It's too soon...I will continue to pray the St. Francis Prayer. That is what is getting me through this.