After the Fact

I write. That is how I process. Writing this blog had been pivotal to my sobriety. Not sure I would be without this outlet. When I started it I had no idea the level of fellowship I would find here and reading others blogs and getting their comments on mine has also been huge. I honestly thought this would simply be a private journal, had no idea how this worked and it has blossomed into so much more or should I say...torpedoed? In writing about the loss of my friend and how it has affected me, I am concerned that I broke the prinicple of annonymity. I have gone back through my posts and changed names to initials...after the fact. I don't know how to do it on comments. And of course people who know the individuals involved are going to know who I am writing about with or without initials, fake names I could use such as Miss Indespairpants and the like. So does that mean I don't write about it at all? Where is the line when you write about how the actions, behaviors and words of others has affected you? Can you tell my head is whirling?

One of the members of our morning group found out about this incident through my blog. She emailed me and another member privately to express her shock and say she had "read" about it. I hadn't seen it in any papers so I asked where hoping that maybe there were arrangements that we didn't know about and she said YOUR BLOG. I asked her to keep that to herself in that while I think I am okay with people finding my blog as she did, I don't want to direct people here. It's not a secret that a part of my recovery has been this forum...its part of my story...but I don't broadcast that I write myself.

At church last night..one of my friends, had a neighbor who had a babysitter who knew the woman who is taking care of T's daughter, literally. I gave my friend my number to pass along if this woman was looking for support. I spoke with her this morning. She filled me in on what little there is to fill in. She is the mother of the daughter's best friend so this is probably a good place for her to be. As we talked I asked about arrangements and she said there is noone and she was overwhelmed just dealing with the legalities of the situation. I told her I could take that burden. And when I say I, I don't mean me, I mean the fellowship, my role would merely be a conduit. She was relieved to the point of crying saying that this was something that she felt the daughter really needed and she just couldn't do it. After the fact, I called G. to let him know of this conversation. His reaction was, let me just say, not good. He's not there yet and maybe won't be. Understandably so..her body has not even been released. Of course there is noone to release her to. I don't think he has a problem with me taking care of a service, I think he has a problem with there even being a thought of a service right now. After the fact, I told him that I am just there to do if requested. By whomever. He reacted as though I was doing it when I was just saying I would. I just worry that I have added another worry to his already overwhelmed frame of mind. That I have crossed boundries.

My therapist says people react to trauma in three ways...fight, flight or freeze. I'm a fighter. I have to do something. Even when I drank, it was first and foremost AT situations, people, things. I think perhaps that is why I managed to finish school, work, maintain a marriage, raise children and the like. I drank not to escape those things but AT them just to get through them. And in the process I can behave impulsively. That has not gone away with sobriety. I am still a fighter...its been tempered but its there.

I'm just going to continue with St. Francis, I will continue to talk to my people, I will continue to be present. And now I think its time to call my sponser. Thank you for being here.