Monday, October 29, 2007

Yea for the Red Sox!

Wouldn't seltzer do just as well? Thinking about how I would feel in the middle of this situation.

Sunday, October 28, 2007

Oh My God!

Friday night I went to the Ask Bill W. women's meeting I've been going to of late. I was very pleased and suprised to see my sponser there. The only meeting we attend together is our Tuesday night meeting but her sponser has just recently been given the all clear from the nursing home to go out so my sponser brought her to the meeting. Unfortunately, noone seemed to be running the meeting and a speaker did not appear. My wonderful take charge sponser decided that I should do it. Geez! I knew this was going to happen at some point but I was not ready. I was encouraged by the group that it would be okay. To tell how it was and how it is now. I am fairly comfortable sharing in round robins now. I don't burst into tears when it becomes my turn anymore, most of the time:) I can raise my hand at meetings though usually what I mean to say doesn't quite come out right so I haven't done it lately. Anyway, I gave it a shot.

The chairing part, not so bad because you just read from the paper. I am the Secretary of the my Monday group so I'm used to that but then it came time for my story. I don't even know what my story is yet. I'm still trying to figure that out. I know what happened but I'm not sure why. And in some cases I don't really know what happened because I don't remember a lot of stuff. I tried to prepare for this by writing about it here but I haven't gotten past my marriage yet. But maybe preparation is not important. I guess I feel as though I don't quite have the insight yet into myself that I seem to get from other speakers sometimes. And I was petrified of making people's eyes glaze over. So I felt a little insecure in my sharing. But then again, I am me and they are them. And I shared alot of the above sort of as a disclaimer.

Anyway, I told a bit about my drinking as a teenager, in my 20's and through married life. How I finally got to AA 4 months ago and how I felt now which is hopeful and better. I got a lot of nods and a few laughs. I always have to go for the laugh. I felt pretty unemotional about it all and was just conscious of my burning face. I didn't want to dwell on stuff for too long but there are so many different periods of my drinking. And I stayed away from the stuff that I just can't talk about right now, what my kids have seen and how its affected them, my marriage or lack thereof. I can't go there yet. Anyway, it seemed that some people related. One young woman shared that she appreciated hearing that my bottom wasn't so low (I've never been arrested, no DUI's, no institutions, no rehab just like Amy Winehouse, etc. ) because it helped her to think that she was in the right place. Not to say that I shouldn't have been, of course! On the other hand, she also shared that my image of drinking wine while cooking dinner was something she wanted to be able to do someday. I told her I still did too but it was just a romanticized image. That's not what it was like. It wasn't romantic. I started dinner then many times forgot dinner. Or ruined dinner. Or ate dinner in a blackout. Dinner preparations began to start hours before necessary and the drinking didn't stop with dinner but continued until I passed out. Sometimes there was no wine for my husband at dinner because I had finished it all by then. Then had to figure out how to get more. And so on. But it scared me that my story might have given her the wrong impression.

Anyway, I did it and in some ways it felt good to get the cherry broken. On the other hand I'd be dishonest if I said I liked it. I didn't. I didn't like being the center of attention. I didn't like feeling insecure. I didn't like feeling unprepared. But I did like feeling accepted and understood. And that I did. Another woman with 17 years of sobriety shared that her story changes every few years or so. Even now. So I am encouraged by that. After all it is progress not perfection. These sayings really are true, damnit!

Thursday, October 25, 2007

Top Ten Reasons Why I Blog

Well, I'm no expert. I've only been doing this a few months but here it is:

1. Self Expression
2. To stay sober
3. To stay clear
4. To be accountable
5. Channel my fears, insecurities and doubts
6. Share my journey of sobriety with others who may be inspired
7. Be inspired by others journey's of recovery
8. Gain insight
9. To be more thoughtful
10. To carry the message

What are yours?

Tuesday, October 23, 2007


*Third, I have learned how to be honest. No more ducking or dodging. No more tall tales. No more pretending to be what I am not. My cards are on the table for all the world to see. "I am what I am," as Popeye used to say in the comics. I have had an unsavory past. I am sorry, yet. But it cannot be changed now. All that is yesterday and is done. But now my life is an open book. Come and look at it, if you want to. I'm trying to do the best I can. I will fail often, but I won't make excuses. I will face things as they are and not run away. Am I really honest?" *Twenty Four Hours A Day *A.A. Thought for the Day*

Yesterday was a tough day. Tough day at work, again. But the fact of the matter is that I cannot change my employer. He is the way he is. I have to weigh the good with the bad. And for right now, I need a job and I am not ready to make a major changes. Maybe down the road but not now. Change the things I can. Accept what I cannot. In other words, suck it up.

The afternoon was beautiful. Blew off responsibility and went kayaking on an unseasonably warm October afternoon and all that that means. Brilliant color, birds, sun, friends, peace. Wish that could have lasted.

After loading the kayak on my car, instead of going left I went right. Thought it would be a shorter way. But it wasn't and it got dark fast. I needed to get to my meeting and I was picking up someone as well. Wasn't sure where I was. Called my husband and he was no help, at first, and I couldn't listen to him. The gas light was blinking. I had to go to the bathroom. I was getting more and more wound up. This is a busy week for me and I've got things scheduled to the minute. No time to get lost. Stopped for gas, good. I had this tightening though. This tension. I didn't even think of a drink, but I did think of a cigarette, (my friends had smoked on the river). I know this is coming from the same place my alcoholism is coming from. Addiction, though I haven't smoked in years (not counting the camping butt), I bought a pack. I smoked one. It could have easily been a drink. It was gross. It did nothing for me. Why did I do this? It is making me crazy. Found my way home with time to wash the smell off and brush my teeth. Much better. Picked up my AA friend and went to the meeting. Much, much better. But even though I was headed to a meeting, it didn't stop me from smoking that butt. So I had to unload the pack. You'd think with all the smokers someone would smoke Marlboro lights but no! Finally someone took them for their daughter.

Clearly, I have work to do . I understand much better the relapser. I appreciate the sharing in the rooms and I think I know the signs. I can handle big stuff pretty well. I know there are much bigger problems than getting lost or hosting 20 16 year old boys for a soccer pasta party. But I get myself all wound up and look for relief. I must stay away from that first drink no matter what. Thankfully, the drink did not enter my mind....this time. But I don't want to die of lung cancer either. But what I am grateful for and what is different is that I spoke about it at the meeting. I was honest about what I was feeling and what I had done. I gave it all away. My track record would have been to hold onto that pack, eventually sneaking cigarettes whenever the urge struck, until I was addicted again. I am glad for that. My stuff is coming out and the more it does the better I feel. And when I put too much on my plate I need to breathe. Take a step back and change what I can or Let Go so God will do it for me. Hence, soccer game rescheduled and no pasta party. Now I'm sad that there is no team party tomorrow but grateful that my workload just downsized by 50%.

Learning all of this has made today a much better today. So ..we apply these principles in all our affairs. So much to think about. Geez!

Saturday, October 20, 2007

I'm a Bitch

Yesterday had some tough moments. Started with my boss who decided 4 minutes before I was leaving to find typos in a document that he has had for weeks. And they had to be fixed because he's meeting the client today actually. Not only that but it had been on his desk all day and he delayed working on it until just when it was time for me to leave. I wanted to explode. And then he messed around with the file on the computer so that it no longer appeared on my computer so I could fix it. It's not even that I couldn't stay but I just really resented the lack of respect for my time. So I kind of stomped around and did it but I did tell him that I wished "these things" didn't happen right before I had to leave.
I shook it off and proceeded to have a good afternoon. Went to my son's soccer game where he actually got some playing time. Then I met a new AA friend and we had coffee before the meeting and went to the meeting together. It was a good one. Lots of identification. I shared. But I got home and became PSYCHO BITCH! My husband wasn't home as planned delaying the return of a truck we were test driving. My son can't take his PSAT's because we (me) sent in the check late. He doesn't really care or at least is pretending not to care which set me off. So I ended up just yelling at everyone. Freaking out if you will. My son in like..."what is wrong with you?" I wanted to shout "I'm a goddamn alcholic, that's what's wrong!" I refused to return the truck and made my son go with my husband and while they were gone I proceeded to cry. Then I checked out my online group and felt a bit better. They got back and while I didn't apologize I did explain that I was frustrated and felt like a bad Mom.
I just have a bad taste in my mouth this morning. Trying to figure out the why. Here's what I think:
1. Too much caffeine. I had 2 mocha cappacinnos in the late afternoon. I was jacked up.
2. Hormones. I am a woman of a certain age and at certain times of the month it is difficult for me to control my emotions.
3. Guilt. Kept procrastinating sending that check in.
4. Resentful. I resented my boss for his lack of respect and my husband for the same reason.
Here's what I can do:
1. No more caffeine past 5.
2. Going on low dose BC pills to combat symptoms.
3. Procrastination is a 5 sylable word for sloth. If I've read it once I've read it 1000 times. And its not the end of the world. He already took them. The chances of getting the merit scholarship he won't be eligilble for were slim anyway. Stay in the day and move on.
okay, I feel much better now:) Going to see my daughter at parent's weekend at her college today. We have a fun day planned. Just needed to let yesterday go so I could allow myself to have a fun and peaceful day.

Thursday, October 18, 2007


I just got this quote for the day from Hazelden and boy oh boy is it me and I have a tough time reconciling Letting Go with August Wilson's quote pictured because that feeling of things being utterly and singulary my responsiblity follows me everywhere:

"Some of us have an insatiable desire to do something about every situation that occurs in our lives. We fret about this, we rush into that, and we push our confused minds to the edge of despair. Weary from our relentless struggling, we become short-tempered, highly critical, and completely irrational. Little things become big things. Everything in our lives becomes too much for us.When this happens, we need to ‘Let Go," of our false pride, and admit that we alone cannot understand or solve our present difficulties. Only when we have the humility to admit our limitations can we receive the help we need.Letting go of our false pride, however, is merely the first step. We also need to "Let God" take a hand in our affairs. When we give our burdens to God expecting God's help our problems often solve themselves without our ever making any conscious effort. Leaving our troubles with God frees our minds to receive new perspectives which we could not receive while we were busily clutching our sorrows and frustrations to us. Today, I will ask for God's guidance and help in every area of my life. I will not try to solve all my difficulties at once. I am not expected to handle more than my share. I will work on one or two things and leave the rest to God. "

From the book: The Reflecting Pond by Liane Cordes. Copyright 1981 by Hazelden Foundation. All rights reserved. Printed in the United States of America. No portion of this publication may be reproduced in any manner without the written permission of Hazelden.
To sign up for Today's Gift, visit:

And not only do I take on my own problems singlehandedly, I take on others as well. As soon as someone tells me about a situation in their lives, I assume they want me to solve the problem. Or if I see or hear about something I assume it is my responsibilty to fix it. ME, ME, ME! Even in AA at meetings, it would be very easy for me to become the coffeemaker, Secretary, District Rep. , etc. name a job and I'll do it, at every meeting. It is very hard for me to say no. And I perceive I am saying no even when I am not asked directly. If I don't jump up to volunteer, then I'm turning something down. When complaints are made about something a group is not doing, I assume it is now my responsibilty to do it. I take everything personally. I ALWAYS take on more than my share. Overachiever. Thank God for my sponser. She has slowed me down, told me that I do enough AA jobs. So now I feel better about that. But I still need to work on the rest of life. Geez!

Wednesday, October 17, 2007


I got one of those emails from a friend where you reply in one word with one adjective to describe them. Truthful was her one word description of me. Took me by suprise. I certainly strive to be truthful and now that I am sober I am closer. When I was drinking I claimed to be an honest person. But I was full of lies. Mostly to myself but to others as well. I did alot of truth dodging. Hedging my words, dancing around a subject, avoiding people, places and things so that I could claim to be honest. Building myself up to feel better. Twisting words and actions. It was hard work but I'm a paralegal and a smart woman. I am good at manipulating and convincing people to my way of thinking and that I am right. One definition of truth I found was "sincerity in action, character, and utterance." That is my goal.

I definately learnd something at the roundup. Was discussing Thanksgiving with my mother. We are going to my brother's this year in NYC. It will be tight. 8+ of us in their small apartment but it will be fun and I won't have to cook. We'll stay through the weekend to attend a college hockey game my daughter wanted to see. I asked my mother if she wanted to go as well and she hemmed and hawed and said that we would have a better time without her. And she's right. But the truth of the matter is she doesn't want to go and she can't say that because that's not how a mother is supposed to feel. We have been playing this game all my life. So I didn't let her get away with it. I dodged the guilt ball. We went back and forth and I turned it around and said, Mom, that is not acceptable and you will have to state the real reason: you would rather not go. It's perfectly acceptable. And she did, said she wouldn't feel comfortable. Doesn't like to leave her home for more than 2 hours or so. She likes her routine and does not like disruption to it. So there you have it. Now, instead of feeling guilty for not bringing her to NYC I can feel guilty for going at all:) But at least I know that she is happier where she is, even if I were having Thanksgiving, she'd come for the meal but is not really enjoying the communing with family. I am not going to have this conversation with her again until right before we leave. She didn't write it down so she won't remember. She only has about a 3-5 minute short term memory due to Korsakoff's syndrome. Long story and I'm pretty sure I wrote about it previously.

Anyway, I am grateful that I got rid of that guilt. Now, on to the rest of it........

Sunday, October 14, 2007


And no, not that kind of roundup as my husband liked to make fun of. Happy Rodeo he said as I left yesterday morning. He just loves to find new names for my AA stuff. But geeze, what an experience and I am so grateful I attended. First of all the drive to and from really allowed me to get to know M., my new AA friend. Pretty cool. We got there early of course. I am always early because I get anxious about what I don't know. They had coffee and danish which was great because I didn't have breakfast. The speaker was tough to hear as their sound system, not so good. But the 50% I heard was inspiring. Then there were the workshops.

The Family Afterward. Helped me to understand and share about how for me the hardest part is letting go where my children are concerned. Understand that my drinking has affected them and it may take years to find out how. Understand that I can only do something about that today. By being a power of example. Hear other women's experiences which I could very much identify with.

Overcoming Guilt. Perfect followup to the family afterward. One woman shared how she had asked her son to share what it had been like for him when she was drinking. She was devastated but then he reached over and told her how much he loved her sober (she had 5 years or so). Crying moment. I feel like my past guilt is my easy guilt. I"ve got guilt right now that I struggle with over not wanting to share my life with my mother. I am her caregiver but really I am her keeper. My guilt comes from the fact that I am not a loving daughter though people assume I am. All I take care of is her finances and her meds. I am not grateful that she lives near me in assisted living. I have a book entitled How to Take Care of Parents who didn't take care of You. That is how I feel. I do not want her in my life and I am not grateful that she is. I do not embrace her. I find it difficult to respond to the workers in the facility and to my other friends with aging parents who do not understand. My mother is aging but she's only 67. She is living with 80 & 90 year olds. I shouldn't be doing this yet. She fucked up her life and in turn has fucked up mine. Obviously, I have work to do here. We also talked about cringe moments. Mainly dealing with how as drunks, we do things that are often against our morals. I've got lots of those too. Loved the woman who brought that up. She was laugh out loud funny and I appreciate being given the opportunity to laugh at myself while cringing at the same time. And also we talked about learning how to avoid the guilt ball. That's dodging that ball that people throw at you so that it doesn't stick. My husband loves to do that. He is full of shoulds. For me.

Then we had lunch. Lovely sandwiches and I connected with C. from the morning meeting. She's just so sweet. I can feel the Grace of God when I speak with her though as a Native American she calls Him the Creator. I hope I get an opportunity to know her better. She couldn't stay. I have her number now though so I'll check in. From what she has shared at meetings and what M. told me (she knew C. and her son when they were active) she has had a rough life and I know she has had a tough time with life on lifes terms in sobriety.

Living Sober and Annonymity. This was interesting because I am trying to be an open book. Having hidden this from myself and others I just want it all out on the table. I have been most gracefully cautioned about being careful about how much I share here on my blog, in the rooms, choosing a Step 5 person, etc. I am sharing my alcoholism with my immediate family and my closest friends. Will I share and do I want the community at large to know? No. There are too many judgemental people that can affect my children's lives out there. Do I want my boss to know? Nope, same reason. But one woman shared that she also doesn't share her alcoholism with those in the substance abuse program she works in. She doesn't think recovery is a prerequisite for assisting others with their recovery. Maybe not but it seems to me she is doing a great disservice to her clients. I shared that I did share mine with my friends for 2 reasons, one because they love me and care about me and I want them to know what is going on in my life. But also because some of them may have their own issues and I hope that by example if they choose to get help they know where to go. I know it is attraction not promotion but how can I attract if they don't even know I'm it. I also feel it goes without saying that "who you see here, what you hear here, let it stay here". Heard some tales of annonymity exposed, so it is something to definately be concerned, cautious and protected.

You're as Sick as your Secrets, (Honesty). This was probably the most powerful of all the workshops. Some stuff was shared that was very intense. And it was very clear that to withhold that stuff or to deny can cause serious harm such as relapse to say the least. I won't go into detail but suffice it to say, tissues were needed by all from 20 years sobriety to 2 weeeks sobriety. Some spoke in detail some spoke in generality but everything was from the heart. The differences between us were huge but I felt so close to these women who I will probably never see again. M and I were the only women from our area at the roundup besides C who didn't stay. I would have liked that particular workshop to turn into a meeting every week.

Finally we all grouped back together where our final speaker was one of those salt of earth oldtimers with 30 or 40 years of sobriety. Lots of good words of common sense and wisdom. And a raffle at the end and I was given the book Living Sober. I have one but I can't find it. I tucked it away a long time ago when I gave up my solo, self willed attempts at sobreity. There were more workshops than I could attend but that's okay it only gives me incentive to attend next year. I feel as though I was given strength to complete my fourth and fifth step....finally. I feel like I've been holding onto it. But having the opportunity to talk about honest, guilt, family and to hear what others had to say really rejuvenated me and I think will now allow me to move forward. I have a renewed sense of purpose.

Then today I did the Breast Cancer walk with 2 of my girlfriends. It was awesome. 6 miles on a gorgeous fall day in Boston. We did a lot of talking about my alcoholism. They had a lot of questions, concerns about other friends and we did a lot of sharing of our lives. They are good supportive friends and I don't think I truly realized it until today. So grateful. Walked past my daughter's dorm and she graced us with her presence. It was marvelous to give her a hug (actually 4) and we got to use a real bathroom instead of a jiffy or whatever they call those outhouses.

Anyway just ready for bed and giving Thanks. It was a fulfilling weekend.

Saturday, October 13, 2007

Need I Say More?

We realized that the people who wronged us were perhaps spiritually sick.Though we did not like their symptoms and the way these disturbed us, they, like ourselves, were sick too. We asked God to help us show them the same tolerance, pity, and patience that we would cheerfully grant a sick friend. When a person offended we said to ourselves, "This is a sick man. How can I be helpful to him? God save me from being angry. Thy will be done."

We avoid retaliation or argument. We wouldn't treat sick people that way. If we do, we destroy our chance of being helpful. We cannot be helpful to all people, but at least God will show us how to take a kindly and tolerant view of each and every one.

pg. 67 Alcoholics Anonymous

Friday, October 12, 2007

Thank God It's Friday

Been a long week. I woke up with a lot of stuff swirling around in my head instead of gratitude. Don't like that. Keep trying to shake it which is hard to do at the office.

So I'm really looking forward to the weekend. Spending all day Saturday at a Roundup. I have no idea what that is but me and another newcomer are going together. We figured the blind leading the blind:) I just found out that the woman who got me to come back to the morning meeting and who lights it up every day with her beaming smile is also going, though she can't stay for the day. That makes me happy to no end. Then on Sunday, I'm doing the Breast Cancer Walk at the esplanade in Boston with my girlfriends. Unfortunately, it means I will miss the Big Book meeting but I spoke with the Chairman of that meeting and he understands. He said that is what we get sober for. To do good things and participate in life. Yup.

But before the weekend I have to stay in this day and this day is full of Bad Stuff:
My husband and our lack of intimacy both emotionally and physically.

My brother and his distance both physically and emotionally. Actually, both of my brothers but one more than the other.

My mother and my guilt for not wanting to see her.

My son and his normal adolescent surliness

My boss and his manic, distracted tendencies

My good friend and her self absorption

I know, fourth step stuff. I'm working on it! And in spite of it all, I am grateful for:

My husband who can make me laugh

My niece and nephews

That my mom is alive

That my son is healthy

That I have an interesting job

That my friend is cleaning my house right now

Have a great weekend y'all!

Thursday, October 11, 2007

I'm losing my Mind

Just when I think it is safe... The other night, after the meeting I called my sponser on the way home. As I pulled into the driveway I began to gather my things as we were talking to go inside. Got my reading glasses, my keys but something was missing. Oh yeah, my cell phone. So I'm feeling all over the passenger seat for it, not there. Shit, it must have fallen on the floor. Nope. Not there. Check the drivers side floor. Nope. Between the seats? No. All right, it has to be here. Check everything again. Turn on the lights in the car and check again. Oh yeah, my pockets. Pat, pat. Nothing. Well, stop for a minute and listen. Oh, yes, my husband is a wonderful man. This is what I am hearing from my sponser. Okay, well just go inside its here somewhere and it'll turn up. You're just distracted. But, Bill will give me such a hard time if I tell him I lost it...because he's so wonderful. Maybe I left it at the meeting. Picture empty room. I don't think so. But I did put all my stuff down to lock the door. Maybe I left it on the doorstoop. This is what happens when you don't bring your pocketbook, stupid. I could get it in the morning if it doesn't turn up. No, not a good idea. I better go back and check. Start the car, back out of the driveway. CAREFUL, YOU'RE ON THE PHONE! YOU IDIOT! Laugh out loud moment, I know, but I could not believe it. And it freaked me out a little. I'm always looking for stuff. That's normal. But I could literally feel the blank spot in my mind. Total blank. Maybe it reminded me a little too much about how I felt after a blackout.

I did all this while talking on MY CELL PHONE. Racing thoughts, searching, while all the time having a "conversation" on the phone. Clearly I was not present. Part of it had to do with the conversation. We were talking a bit about my husband and some stuff that had happened. This woman is a recent widow and I don't think I should share with her my concerns or negative feelings about my marriage. She is clearly missing her husband and wants for me what she had. My grandmother told me what a lucky girl I was because she saw my husband give my baby a bath. That's a whole other story. My husband is a good man but he is no saint. And we've got issues that are going to have to be dealt with but that has to wait until I have gotten a little further in my recovery. And I should be a bit more sensitive as to who I am sharing with.

Meanwhile, I think I need to practice staying in the moment, let alone the day!

Monday, October 8, 2007

Rainy Days and Mondays

It's raining really, really hard this morning. And I have the day off from work. It's Columbus Day here in America for those of you across the pond and downunder. The day we celebrate when our country was "discovered". Wonder how our Native Americans feel about this day? But that's a discussion for another blog. Today is the type of day that you don't want the alarm set and you just want to roll on over and sleep. That if you do wake up from your inner clock you can just burrow in deeper and let the sound of the rain lull you back to sleep. I love the rain.

But I've got my morning meeting to go to and I give someone a ride every morning. So to do that would require that I call her and tell her she's got to walk in the rain. That's not nice. Once I get to the meeting I will be grateful to be there and when I'm home I will be grateful to be awake because I have a ton of paperwork to do as it is bill week for us and my Mom.'s supposed to rain all day so......NAPTIME!

Went to the football game yesterday. It was a lot of fun and our seats were great. Should be for what I paid. It was a birthday gift to my husband, (well birthday, anniversary and Christmas!) The woman next to me was double fisted the entire game, slugging beer after beer. And of course there were the usual drunken guys behind us. We got there late as well and walking throught the parking lot with the remnants of everyone's tailgate party was disgusting. Spilled food, overflowing trashcans with beer bottles, it just stank of stale beer, garbage and throwup. Then there were the poor souls who couldn't leave the party. Still tailgating and forfeiting their ticket to the game for the next drink.

Anyway, the only desire that came upon me was for a diet coke and fries! That felt good and it was fun. That and the fact that we won, Tom Brady is so cute and my husband and I did a victory chest bump!

Sunday, October 7, 2007

Are you ready for some Football?

Going to see the Patriots today. Well my husband is. I'm going to see Tom Brady:) even if he is a dog!

ps: GO SOX!

Saturday, October 6, 2007

Kept trying to post the youtube of Simon and Garfunkel singing Feeling Groovy with yesterday's post but it didn't work so please hum. I really hope this isn't the pink cloud I hear tell of.

Had an interesting morning today. After the meeting I really felt like going out to breakfast with my husband so we did and I got there ahead of him and a bunch of people were there from the meeting. I sat and chatted for a few minutes and then got a table for us. I knew that there was a good chance I'd need to introduce him and I knew he'd feel uncomfortable. He really wants nothing to do with this AA stuff. He's happy I'm sober and he wants me to stay that way so he tolerates it because I have told him that this is the only way that is working. He gets that much. But he makes little comments. When I got home from our nursing home commitment last night he asked me how the coven was. I know he's trying to be funny but underneath lies some fear, I'm sure of it.

Anyway, I told him there were people from the meeting and asked him if he wanted to meet them. He said no. But one of the men came over to say good bye. He is one of the first people I connected with at meetings and is a sweetheart. So I introduced them. I could tell my husband felt weird about it but he was sociable and polite. It felt a bit weird for me as well for my AA friends to see and meet my husband. Basically, my two worlds collided this morning. It made everything seem more real to me.

We talked afterwards. I suggested again that he come to a meeting just to see. Or check out Alanon. We'll see. I told him that we had things in our relationship to deal with and of course he said "what things". I said do you really want me to go there because I will. And of course he didn't want to and neither did I. We both are afraid of what will happen if we go any deeper than our day to day lives right now. I'm okay with keeping it like this for awhile. My sobriety is more important to me but I know for me to get well, it's going to come up.

But for today, I am grateful for the laundry, the bills, homemade chicken soup, helping him put up the fence (well, not really that but I did help:), dishes and all the day to day things that keep me in the day.

Friday, October 5, 2007

Feeling Groovy

I've had a very good week. It seems like everything is coming together and I am understanding the program, what it means and what I need to do. I just got a note from one of my girlfriends letting me know how happy she is for me. That meant the world to me. I am listening to Joe and Charley's Big Book Study on my ipod. ( One of the things they said that has stuck with me is that Alcohlism is the only terminal illness from which you can recover and come out better than when you came in. I know I am feeling better already and I feel so hopeful. I feel more purposeful. Oh, the issues are still there, surly teenage son, distant husband, intense job, defects of charachter to uncover, mom's finances, and on and on. But I guess I am just seeing it all in a new light. Literally, from the heavens.

I am opening up more at meetings. Building relationships with people from the meetings. They miss me and I miss them if we're not around. We can joke and kid and we can also cry together. I am getting a better understanding of how to use my sponsers and I am beginning to rely on them more and more. And while doing so they are teaching me that I can rely on myself. I am slowing down. Letting it happen. And by doing so it is happening. What a concept.

I'm off to the nursing home. My sponser's sponser is there and we have a meeting for her the first Friday of the month. It is a very powerful meeting and she is a wonderful woman with a positive message despite her circumstances.

Thanks to you all for being here.

Wednesday, October 3, 2007

I need to go to Bed

But before I do I just read this passage from House of Mirth by Edith Wharton.

"There were in her at the moment two beings, one drawing deep breaths of freedom and exhilaration, the other gasping for air in a little black prison-house of fears. But gradually the captive's gasps grew fainter, or the other paid less heed to them; the horizon expanded, the air grew stronger, and the free spirit quivered for flight."

That's where I'm at right now.

We Practice These Principals in all our Affairs

I haven't been sharing as much recently, I guess because I'm in an absorption phase. The part that says you can't give freely what you haven't got. I've been working on getting it and for some reason my blog has come up short. Wonder if that has anything to do with dumping my life story on it:) Actually, time has been short for me as well. Between later mornings, being busy at work and my son's soccer schedule, let alone my meetings.. my house and blogging are being slighted. But I'm back and I will be catching up with all of you in the next few days. I missed you and I appreciate the check ins and comments. I just read in the Step book that procrastination was just a 5 syllable word for sloth. I like the word procrastination much better, it's softer, but I'm afraid that sloth is a defect or behaviour that I definately can claim as well. Not good because the blogging is a part of my recovery. The journal my sponser wants me to write.

The second half of the title We Practice These Principals in All Our Affairs, that is not in the Big Book is : So we won't have affairs! Laughed out loud from the belly when I heard that this week in a meeting. I shared here about the relationship I had 14 years ago and my sponser and I talked about it a little last night because she opened up about hers. When I was in the middle of this relationship we swore to each other that we would never, ever, no matter what, tell. It was OUR secret. And I held onto it for a very long time. But it feels good to get it out. Not sure I will ever go there with my husband. He was aware enough of the emotional relationship but not the physical one though I'm sure he suspected at the time. I know when I get to the amends part of the steps I will have to consider this but for now.....I'm just working on being honest with myself about it.

One thought I had as I uncover and name these defects of charachter is that for many behaviours I have placed the blame on strictly on being drunk. If I hadn't been drinking, this or that would not have happened. But in reality, the drinking was a symptom of these defects that are the underlying cause of a lot of my problems. It's sort of a chicken, egg kind of thing I suppose. But it seems to me that even though I thought my morality would never allow me to go outside of my marriage the drinking only made it easier for me to do something I was disposed to do anyway. Why??? Well, I'm still figuring that out! But I am so grateful that I am in a place right now that is giving me the opportunity to explore and understand myself. And even more I am grateful for this forum and all of my fellow bloggers that allows me do to so.