Wednesday, June 25, 2008

Go West Young (well not so young) Woman

Leaving for Albuquerque at 3:30 am tomorrow. I am not packed. My friend has been packed for months. We are tempermentally quite different. Cannot wait to be on my own and focused on me, myself and I. Selfish program indeed. And to meet Father Keating will be amazing. Not to mention seeing a part of the country I have never seen before. We are going to a conference entitled The Inner Room focusing on the 11th step and Centering Prayer. There will be workshops to deepen our understanding of prayer as well as seminars by Father Keating and another monk. Each evening there is a 12 Step meeting and I have a list of meetings as well. Actually I even have a contact in Albq. who was part of my online group for awhile. He left so I am uncertain if I should try to arrange to meet him at a meeting. I'm sure he's sober but he was unhappy with the group. I think I should. It would be cool. Conscious contact here I come!!!

And for Molly...I did get a few pics.....I am sad because they are getting big and I'm sure I'm going to miss them leave the nest.....

Tuesday, June 24, 2008

So I've got this box that has been sitting on my table, (remember my dining room table) for a few weeks now. It's full of food, all kinds of stuff. I didn't even have to go shopping, I had it and noone was eating it but it was good stuff. Anyway, I need to send it off to the soldier I was given. I signed up to send care packages over. He is in Iraq and my husband said the other day not to bother because the war was over and the troops came home. If only....

Procrastination is a five sylable word for sloth. That's what it says in the 12 x 12. I've always been bad with mailing things. For some reason, putting a package together, then sealing it, then labeling it and then horror of horrors going to the post office seems to be too much for me. The same with cards. I love buying them. But I always want to write a note, then I've got to find the address, and then see above. Geez! I love email cards because I can just zip 'em off. And if I shop online I can send gifts directly.

I can't tell you how well this works because I haven't completed the task. I can tell you that if you sign up they send you an email with your soldier's name and address and when he is returning. My goal is to get this package in the mail by July 2009! It be nice if I did it earlier so he could maybe get more than one. They send you a three page list of suggested items and also tell you what you can't send.

Anyway, I thought if I wrote about it I could finally get this thing out of my house and my soldier could enjoy his goodies.

Sunday, June 22, 2008

Robin Red Breast

Well, this was my attempt to outdo Molly's husband and get a great shot of the robin feeding her babies. I'm so competitive. There are three babies. This was from the other day. I failed. I need one of those professional cameras not a Canon Power Shot! Its not so powerful.

Do the fathers do the feeding? That's what it appears to me. Then the mother comes and hangs out for awhile. Or maybe its vice versa. This morning as I was on my swing the parent landed on the rail right next to me with a worm hangin' out of its mouth and then was very suprised to see me and flew away. I realized they use the railing to launch to get to the nest. So because I was there the poor thing had to go around and through the trees and vines. Not quite as easy but he did it and the little chicks necks strained to get the worm. So fun to watch. A few years ago my husband and I sat on the swing and got to watch as the babies learned to fly. I hope we are there for that this time too. My kids cannot understand my fascination. But I love it.

I woke up with a splitting headache this morning (no, not a hangover Judith:) Not sure the cause. Its probably my cycle, sorry guys. Or maybe I have a meeting hangover. I went to three yesterday. Or maybe its from cigarettes, yes I've picked up that nasty habit again. On and off since Feb. I successfully quit in May but when I went to the lake with the girls I smoked with the smokers. I think it was my way of belonging since I didn't drink. Came home and didn't smoke for a week but then....well......maybe on my trip to Albuquerque which means I should stop today and get the patch so I'm prepared. I clearly understand this is a substitute addiction which means I've got some work to do. What is it that's missing? Maybe I'll find it in New Mexico. Or maybe its from worry. My daughter didn't make it home last night. She called around midnight as they got on the Hutchinson Parkway in NYC towards home. I wanted her to stay at my brother's. She said we're teenagers, we're not tired and we drank coffee. I am certain she just stayed in Boston with her friend she had to drop off and didn't call because it was too late. That's what I wanted her to do anyway and we didn't get a call to say she's dead so I know that's where she is but how do I accept that. My son got out of work at 11 and went to one of his friends houses where everyone was hanging out. Then he slept over another friends house. So my worry is they were drinking. Yet he probably wasn't because he's trying out for a club soccer team this morning. The kid knows what he has to do, he's an athlete and he takes care of himself. I must get over to Pat's blog and read what she wrote about worry yesterday. I put that off.

Then last night I went to that meeting. It was a great remember when and I was pleased to share my experience a year ago for the newcomers in the room. The fellow who spoke is from my morning group and he is quite the charachter. I like him but can't make any sense of him. He's been sober for over 20 years but he's a mess. He's never had a sponser, never worked the program except meetings, he's in this horrible relationship and he can't understand what's wrong with him but he knows something is. He's got too many thoughts rolling around his head and he usually throws them up in quite the scattered form. So the meeting was a bit off until discussion. And of course fate stepped in. My backup sponser was there which was a pleasant suprise as was my neighbor. Thank God because when we left my car wouldn't start. My daughter took my Prius for the gas benefits (my gas) so I was driving our old Saab. The bell kept dinging all day and we couldn't figure out what it was because no matching lights were going on. Then on the way to the meeting the ABS light went on, the radio was going in and out and then the check tool box light went on. I made it to the meeting and looked it all up and it said go to the dealer. I went in and prayed it would start when I left but it didn't but no worries, my neighbor was there "coincidentally". Her first time at that meeting in a long time too.

Anyway this post had been a huge mind dump. Thanks for being here.

Saturday, June 21, 2008

Home Alone

Today has been a day that I typically would have reveled in alcohol. Its a beautiful summer day. My daughter has gone to NYC to see a ballet. My husband is up at bike week in Laconia. My son did community service all morning and left again for work at 3pm. I would have loved this time. Guilt free drinking. I would have probably started early or maybe I would have waited until 3. Noone will be here for most of the night. J may or may not spend the night but if she comes home it will be in the wee hours of the morning. E will be working until 11 and my husband likely won't be home until tomorrow. I would have started drinking and relished the fact that noone was here to witness my gluttony and nag at me for drinking during the day, having another, opening another or interfering with my drinking by making demands like dinner or a ride or a conversation. I would have wandered around the house. Probably I would be drinking my usual tumbler of red wine but I might have started with gin & tonic given its the first day of summer. Maybe done some chores so I could rationalize the drinking. When they would get home all the laundry might be done and the house might be immaculate. Or I could have blown the whole thing off. They're all having fun so I might as well sit on the porch sipping and reading, or watching a movie. Ultimately I would pass out and would be found "sleeping" on the couch because I was "waiting up". Usually I was unawakable and would be startled into awakeness sometime in the middle of the night. Mouth full of cotton, a pounding headache and disoriented. Then I would have tiptoed around the house and maybe looked out the window to see whose car was here. Gone up to bed to see who was home. The next morning I would say why didn't you wake me when you came home and would be told either that they had tried and couldn't or that I WAS awake, don't I remember? Or I might not have said anything to avoid just that scenario.

Thank you God that is over.
Instead I went to a new meeting this morning a bit away. I liked it and my go again. Then I came home and had a centering prayer sit. Then I took care of some business. Picked up my son and decided it was way too nice to work so sat on my porch in the sun, getting some color, reading a wonderful book by Thomas Keating entitled Invitation to Love in preparation for the conference next weekend. More on that later. Talked to my brother on the phone and set up what we call Teti Camp, when my niece and nephew will come and stay with us for a week. Talked to my son about planning some college visits in New York. Then brought him to work. Read some more and watched the robin feed her babies. Tried not to take a picture and succeeded. Then off to my 11th step meeting. Now I'm back and reveling in the freedom and decided to write about it a bit here. I think I may revisit my first meeting tonight. I haven't been back since and I believe I owe them a thank you. That particular meeting has asked for support from the district so while I cannot make it a regular meeting tonight would be a good night to visit. I think that would be nice.
Here's a bit of what I've been reading today from Invitation to Love by Thomas Keating:
By consenting to God's creation, to our basic goodness as human beings, and to the letting go of what we love in this world we are brought to the final surrender, which is to allow the false self to die and the true self to emerge. the true self might be described as our participation in the divine life manifesting in our uniqueness. God has more that one way of bringing us to this point. It can happen early in adult life, but if it does not, the ongaoing stages of natural life may contribute to bringing it about. In the midlife crisis, even very successful people wonder whether they have accomplished anything. Later we experience physical decline, illness, and the infirmities of old age. What happens in the process of dying may be God's way of correcting all the mistakes we made and all the opportunities we missed in the earlier part of our lives. It may also provide the greatest chance of all to consent to God's gift of ourselves." pg. 48

I believe this is what happened to my father in the last nine months of his life. An agnostic most of his life yet a seeker as well, he came to know God and shared it with me in the last week of his life as did the pastor at the hospital. He worried that he was too late but I think it is clear that we are never too late.

"Consenting to God's will does not mean that we reject the values of any period of life as we pass through it; we simple leave behind its limitations." pg. 47

Friday, June 20, 2008

Sober Cruise

Just wanted to reflect on my experience Tuesday. I live in a seaside community and there is a meeting every Tues & Thursday on a boat that goes out to sea. I think they have been doing this for 20 or more years. Think opposite of Booze Cruise. It's full of sober people, they get speakers and hold a meeting and then return. Last year it was announced at every meeting and in all my newness, self consciousness, and insecurity I never went. Didn't think it could possibly be fun. Tuesday I was supposed to get my medallion from the Stepsisters but a few of the gals wanted to go on the first cruise, my sponser included. They left it to me and since to even think about going on the cruise with anticipation was such a huge example of progress to me I chose to go. It was amazing to me as well because if I had picked to stay they would have so they could see me get my medallion. I will receive it next week. It's okay and the cruise was a blast. The boat rocked wicked, the wind was whipping but it was one of the best times in sobriety I have had. Good speakers, good company and a beautiful sunset. What more can I ask for??

Life is Good

Getting ready for the day. Just sitting on my porch swing with my coffee. Listening to the birds chattering. The neighborhood hasn't gotten up yet though a few walkers are struggling with the hill I live on. Even the bunny that eats the dandelion stems in our unmowed lawn isn't up yet. The wisteria has bloomed for the first time since I lived here for 6 years. The robin is sitting on her nest in the crevice. I'll probably never see the babies as she has now it is safely snuggled between the old wisteria vines and the new growth is covering it well. But most of the time she doen't fly away anymore when I come out to sit. There is a cool breeze and maybe a little rain in the forecast as the sun is covered. I've got to get ready for work and have to leave early because I've been promoted in my morning group to chairperson on Fridays. Cool. Got to wake up my son for his last day of school. My daughter will drive him and he should be able to get his license back next week allowing him more freedom (and me and my husband.) And the clock has chimed so I'm off to begin the day.

Looking forward to the weekend but staying in the moment......

Monday, June 16, 2008


I made my first amends this weekend to my best friend since high school. Was at her birthday party where she reminded me that the last time we saw each other was at her mother's birthday party in the same venue and where I won drunkest party guest, woo hoo!. She asked me if I was planning on a repeat perfomance and I told her that for just that reason I was no longer drinking. Later that night I pulled her aside and told her that I had been sober for a year, that I had finally admitted that I was an alcoholic and that part of my recovery meant that I needed to apologize to people that I had harmed. I apologized to her for being such a shitty friend and thanked her for sticking by me. She said I wasn't a shitty friend at I said okay, I was a good friend that did shitty things and named just a few while acknowledging that there were many and took responsibility for them. She said that was the best birthday gift she could have received and how thankful she was that I was finally "here". I was able to thank her for being my rock and always being there for me. She was the one I called when I needed someone to check on my mother. She was the one who found my mother and called me to get my ass home. I told her that although it took me some time, my mother's low bottom had become my high bottom. Tears were cried and we left it at that. Hopefully we'll find a more appropriate time to talk but this was enough for now.

I didn't get a chance to make amends to the other person I wanted to . My other friends sister. She's the one who took care of me when I got sick at my friend's wedding. Also I didn't show up for her own wedding mainly because I didn't have a date and I wanted to go out to the bars instead. So I was a noshow. One of those people whose dinner you pay for because they RSVP affirmative but who don't come. But she was way too busy Friday night working on her sister's party and it would have been selfish and self seeking of me to talk to her. This is what I am learning about God's time not mine.

The AA meeting I attended was in the same church hall where I attended many dances when I was in high school. Of course you couldn't attend a dance with out being shitfaced. Tango, Boone's Farm Strawberry Hill wine, quarts of Bud, joints, tabs of acid, mesc., THC, whatever we could get our hands on we did. And there I was on Saturday afternooon at an AA meeting at the very same hall. Full circle I must say. At the party I went to Friday night I sat with the "boys" that poured me my first drink. They were four years older than me and loved to torture the little girl who lived across the street. I had a huge crush on one of them. Unrequited love. Let's pour her a huge tumbler of Scotch and see what happens, lets push her friends car down the dirt road and see them go crazy, that type of stuff. We did a lot of remember whens. Another guy from my old neighborhood was there as well. I remember when his jaw was broken over some messed up drug deal and had to be wired shut. My "friends" had done it and I wasn't supposed to talk to him but I did anyway. I was good friends with his sister. It doesn't sound like she is doing well. She is living with him, has lost her children, done several stints at rehab. I would have liked to have talked to her but it sounds like she doesn't get invited to parties such as this. Maybe next time I can pay her visit. Let her know we have been trudging the same road. If she's still not sober, maybe help her along a bit. I don't know...She was the "fast" girl my parents didn't want me to hang out with but I did anyway. She's the one who plucked my eyebrows for the first time. She's also the one who had a huge blowout party when her parents went away and got so drunk that she passed out in the bathroom and we couldn't get her pants back on before her parents came home. She was a big girl. Her parents did come home and found her like was a mess. And it was when my father caught me stealing his valium he had for his back. I didn't know it was valium, it was just a another drug and I didn't care what they were as long as they altered my consciousness. I remember my dad crying then and I think it was the first inkling he ever had that his daughter was one f*d up young lady, well actually quite far from being a young lady. I was the gal who wore work boots, flannel shirts and jeans and hung out in th woods. But that's about all I remember. My childhood is one big haze. Purple haze.

Anyway very grateful for the trip down memory lane but even more grateful to be home and back to my home group and routine. Grateful to be sober and free.

Friday, June 13, 2008


The one thing about turning 50 is that there are a lot of parties...I didn't have one thankfully but 2 of my friends from high school are this weekend one of whom I partied with through my 20s. One tonight and one on Saturday night. So we are going back to my home town for the parties. I am not worried about drinking. If it gets uncomfortable I'll leave...these are my friends not my husbands so he should be good with that. At first I thought I'd walk in guns blazing....I'm an Alcoholic! I go to AA, ! need to make an amends to you!.....for that time I threw up in the centerpiece at your wedding, or that time you left me in Rhode Island without a car (I'm sure because I was so drunk that I was obnoxious) or the time I made you miss Aerosmith because I threw up in the aisle before they even got on stage. I am pretty confident that people will notice that I'm not drinking. My reputation from those days is life of the party and pounding them down! But I realized this morning at the meeting that I just need to take a breath and slow down. Whether I tell them, whether I make amends is not in my time but in God's time. If it happens it happens if not that's okay too. The point is I am willing. Thank God for step meetings and sponsers.

There are no meetings in the town where I went to high school. I find that amazing. Maybe its just my perception but it seemed to me that 90% of my graduating class drank and drugged. I've got a meeting list for the surrounding area so I'm good but geez!

So Have a great weekend.....sober!

Thursday, June 12, 2008

A Blessing

It was wierd yesterday, I actually got butterflies going to the meeting. I kinda hoped I could walk in and it would be another day but I knew that a few people in there would make a big deal and they did. But it was nice. This is my family. The chairperson asked me if I would start the round robin so I said okay and then regretted it. Only because one of those miracles happenend and I got choked up. My gratitude list yesterday included a woman, Ruth from that meeting who I had not seen in quite some time. She had moved to another part of the state and though I didn't know that and in the back of my mind I always wondered I had asked one of her friends who pops in and out of the meeting how she was and her response was she hadn't seen her and to call her. I called the number I had but it had been disconnected so I just had to wonder.

Yesterday she just "happened" to be in town and when she walked into the meeting I couldn't believe it. And my eyes just welled up. I had to excuse myself during the reading of How It Works and made sure to come back with a big chunk of paper towel. She had just been so nurturing towards me and had a gentle, warmness about her. When I finally accepted my 24 hour chip the feeling was overwhelming and when we stood up to say the Lord's Prayer that day I was weeping. She gave my hand a squeeze and said the Lord's Prayer made her cry too and asked me if I needed a phone list from the group. I never would have done so on my own. Then she wrote her number on it and that was that. About a month or so later, she took me on my first committment. Our group goes to a local rehab facility once a month. It was her turn to lead and she had announced she needed volunteers. I approached her and asked if I was too "young" to go. And her response was, you have more sobriety than they do so come along. It was an amazing experience for me. I had to tell my story but I honestly didn't have a story to tell yet. I was still learning what my story was. She said to start there and I did. It was good for me and I think it was helpful that day to some of the patients. Anyway, I firmly believe that it was no accident that she was there. I was given an opportunity to thank her and tell her how much I appreciated her kindness in my early sobriety. We both felt blessed and I may never see her again but that's okay. She will always be part of my story now.

The rest of the meeting was emotional. I shared my gratitude and so did the group. Some newcomers shared their hope and struggle. It was overwhelming and I cried again during the Lord's Prayer. Imagine that:)? Then I received my medallion and my little sobriety "sister" presented me with "victory roses" and some balloons. And not only that, the chairperson presented me with a key because I will be chairing the Tuesday meeting going forward. Wow!
I need to add a few things to my gratitude list. I am grateful for:
Sonia, Andrea, and Mercedes who allowed me to give them rides which got me to meetings even when I didn't want to go. They've all blossomed and are driving themselves now but Sonia needed a ride yesterday to work and so we did it again. I got to tell her how much she had helped me even in spite of myself because at times I had resented having to pick her up.
Terri who I brought to a couple of meetings in the middle of her relapse and who now in her sobriety is teaching me valuable lessons every day.
The men of AA who continually show me that men can be gentle, compassionate, senstitive and emotional. That they can be honest and expressive.
My Monday night Powow group who taught me about service and group conscience and got me to run around and ask people to speak. That was hard. Still is.
Anyway, the rest of the day was uneventful, shopping for some birthday gifts (oh and I bought myself a beautiful candle for my present), laundry, dinner. My sponser called me to give me her congratulations and to see how the day went. Just another sober day. A blessing.
This is what my card says: "Acceptance is the answer to all my problems today. When I am disturbed, it is because I find some person, place, thing or situation--some fact of my life--unacceptable to me, and I can find no serentiy until I accept that person, place thing, or situation as being exactly the way it is supposed to be at this moment. Nothin, absolutely nothing happens in God's world by mistake. Until I could accept my alcoholism, I could not stay sober; unless I accpet life completely on life's terms, I cannot be happy. I need to concentrate not so much on what needs to be changed in the world as on what needs to be cahnged in me and in my attitudes." page 449.

Wednesday, June 11, 2008

I am Grateful

So its official..I have been sober for one whole year. Today I am grateful for:

The Gift I was given one year ago today. My therapist reminded me that the last time I drank just "happened" to be Father's Day and suggested that perhaps the Gift had come from my own father trying to finish up business left undone here on earth. His own amends so to speak. Made me cry. It was what I needed. Whether it was my own father or our Father...I accept.

My husband who has been as supportive of my recovery as he enabled my drinking. And I don't mean that as a backhanded compliment, just that if you stick with an alcoholic for 21 years there may be some enabling going on but through sickness and in health he is with me.

My children who inspire me every day.

My Mother whose low bottom became my high bottom.

My sponser who has gently guided me through the steps and AA without me really even knowing it.

Red headed Gal whose blog I found on Day 1 of sobriety and whose story was so like mine.

Scout, Irish Friend and johno who encouraged me to go to AA in those first two weeks of exploration.

The rest of my blog friends who inspire me every day (well, almost every day:)

Archie whose post on an Easier Softer Way helped me to understand the principles of AA which finally got my ass to a meeting.

The AA Beginners Yahoo Group who lurked in the background of my life for years and was there for me when I finally surrendered.

Kathy V. who reached out her hand to me at my first meeting.

The folks in the What's Good About Today group for being there 6 days a week and watching me cry, laugh, holding my hand, hugging me and welcoming me. I love them.

The Tuesday night Stepsisters, see above, and where I found my sponser.

Chickie who encouraged me to pick up that 24 hour chip.

Ruth who told me she always cried during the Lord's Prayer too and that she slept through her entire first year of sobriety and took me on my first commitment.

Bill W. and Dr. Bob, geniouses and divinely inspired.

Trish from AABC , my temporary sponser until I found a face to face one. Thank you for calling me and teaching me how to talk on the phone.

Dorothy, my sponser's sponser who showed me the Grace of God.

Barbara who keeps reminding me that God is either Everything or Nothing.

My book club gals who accept me for who I am.

My AA friends Kathi and Cindy who make me laugh and help me learn.

The fellowship of AA.

Father Thomas Keating for Contemplative Outreach.

Nature...God's artwork.

A roof over my head, clean sheets, being above ground with food in my belly.

You for reading. xo Maybe more later..I've got to get ready for work...Have a great day!

Tuesday, June 10, 2008

A Gift

Today is the anniversay of my last drunk. It was a Sunday It really was no different than any other day.....I assume that I had been drinking all week as usual and I think on Saturday, while I was drinking, I had decided (yet again) to quit FOREVER..... tomorrow!. Of course Sunday came, I woke up in the morning, sick as dog as usual but determined that today would be the day. By early afternoon, I was in my car and down to the local store to buy "groceries" for dinner. Of course it was just as easy to add the wine to my cart. You know the routine. I self justified, rationalized and in plain english BULLSHITTED my way to the store. And then I spent the afternoon pleasantly sitting on my porch swinging on my swing, reading and sipping away. Feeling better with each sip because the hangover was going away. Although I wasn't really a sipper, I was more of a gulper. I didn't drink my wine out of a pretty glass but usually out of a tumbler normally used for iced tea. I drank away the afternoon with no more thought to my resolve. I made dinner and later we watched the finale of the Sopranos. I remembered it. I didn't pass out. I didn't black out though that was usual for me. Nothing horrible happend except the next morning I was so sick I couldn't face my job or myself. I don't know what happened that morning or why it was different than any other morning. I know it had nothing to do with me.

It was a gift.

Sunday, June 8, 2008

Even though its Sunday

Stay in the day right?? If today is anything like yesterday it will be blessed. I managed to get 3 prayer sits in and boy oh boy does that make a difference. Did my morning one after the morning meeting. Then we had our 11th step meeting which is going well, first meeting 8 people, second meeting we had 11 and yesterday we had 6. I think that's a good start. And then the church had its Centering Prayer monthly workshop where we view a video of Thomas Keating and do a sit. ( A sit is a 20 minute period of prayer/meditation). Afterwards I went to dinner and movie with my husband. And in between I even managed to be productive at home. This is progress. The B12 must be kicking in because I had energy throughout the day and didn't get tired until about 8 pm. Which I'd say is normal for someone who gets up at 5. And now I'm up and ready to go. Love it!
Thanks for all the comments about the teacher. That helped and I talked to my sponser and I now feel comfortable contacting her. I know that her journey is in God's hands, but my journey requires that I complete a 12th step by at least reaching out my hand.

Thursday, June 5, 2008


So here's a situation that I share here because I am not sure I handled it very well. In fact I'm sure I could have handled it differently and want to fix it. There are steps I can take but since I can't always trust my instincts, I lay them out here.

A woman attended our Stepsisters meeting and was clearly new. I recognized her as a teacher from the middle school. Once she settled in I approached her and welcomed her to the meeting and told her who I was. (right there I'm wondering if I should have just kept my big mouth shut regarding my recognizing her and identifying my children.) She asked about my children whom she had taught. So we briefly discussed them and then I welcomed her again and took my seat. I saw her heave a big sigh of what I hoped was relief so I approached her again and asked if it was her first meeting. (and here I'm thinking I should have assured her that she was safe even though I had recognized her). She said it was her third and as we were talking another member of the group arrived with her daughter whom she regularly brings. This rattled the teacher and she told me she wasn't expecting children and that she didn't think she should stay for her own sake and the child's sake. I told her I wasn't sure this girl even attended her school so we asked the mother who replied that she did and the teacher then realized that she may very well have this girl as a student next year. She wanted to leave though we encouraged her to stay and she felt that she didn't want to put the young girl in the position of having to protect her annonynmity even though her mother said she has been raised in AA and understands the principles. Another woman told her she should do whatever she felt most comfortable doing. The teacher chose to leave and I tried to think of another meeting she could go to but it was all too rushed. She was shook up and actually I was too. And here I think that I should have left with her to go to another meeting. Or at least walked outside with her to talk or given her my number. Instead I took my seat feeling uncomfortable. The mother of the girl said boy did she have something to talk to her sponser about now.

I am hoping that I will see her tonight or tomorrow night. The woman who directed her to the meeting goes to both. If that is the case then I will know she is continuing to seek help and it will be okay. However, I can't help but feel if I don't see her that perhaps we scared her away. And then in that case I may have harmed another alcoholic. So, if I don't see her I could talk to the woman who directed her to the meeting to see if she knows her personally or just met her at another meeting. What that would do I don't know since I don't particularly trust this woman as she is in and out and seems to resist the program. In other words she doesn't have what I want and not sure I want to pass that on to a newcomer. Since I know this teacher I could call her myself. Either through information if she's listed or through the school. But I don't want to overstep my boundries. Or I could just pray for her but I just can't help but feel that I need to right a wrong. I just don't want to make it worse. I'll start with the praying.


Today is the anniversary of the assination of Robert F. Kennedy. I was 10 years old and this was one of the first political memories I have. I remember hearing and seeing it on the Today show as I got ready for school and being devastated and angry with my friend who did not know or seem to care. As an adult I look back at that time as when our country seemed to veer away from the values and ideals that I hold dear. I am very grateful that we seem to be headed back in that direction. I was struck by this piece today in the NY Times by his daughter and particularly by her statement "that peace is not something to pray for, but something everyone has the responsibility to create every day;" I think the same holds true for our sobriety. It is there for the asking but we must work for it.

I'm Fine

Just a benign cyst. Thank you God. Glad You're not quite ready for me cause I'm not quite ready either. Must of been the lesson that I needed. By the end of the day Tuesday I was able to put the whole thing in perspective, stay in the moment and appreciate what was around me not what was ahead of me. So yesterday morning I was at peace, even when they kept me waiting for 40 minutes! Once I was in the ultrasound room it went fast. The ultrasound tech found it right away based upon the xrays and then the doctor came in, (it was a guy), to confirm. Nothing to do. Benign cysts are just that benign. They won't develop into cancer. The plan is to just leave it alone.

So I guess I won't be buying any pretty head scarves, I won't be making any meals to freeze before I die (my husband's request:), and if I want to lose weight I'm going to have to do it the old fashioned way with diet and exercise. Thank you God.

Monday, June 2, 2008

Trying to Stay in the Day

So I had my first B12 shot, nothing changed but I suppose it will take awhile to feel the difference. And of course now that I have a diagnosis for my fatigue, I just want to use it. I always pushed through it, at least most of the time, when I could, but now I don't even want to try. Especially since it may go away soon. Why waste a good excuse for napping or avoiding chores?

And now for something completely different....I got a call today from the xray dept that did my mammogram last week and apparently the radiologist wants to do an ultrasound. So of course, that means he (well that's a sexist assumption), I mean she saw something abnormal. I didn't get into with the person who called because she would just tell me its routine. And I know that. But of course, I'm off and running. Already planning my masectomy. Wondering if I could get a breast reduction out of the deal....maybe it will help with weight loss....planning how to tell my kids....thinking about whether or not I would want a drink if I got a death sentence. I think I do. And that is not where I was just a few short weeks ago. So I need to get back in the moment, and just wait until Wednesday when I get it done. I suppose I need to call my sponser which I haven't done lately and get cracking on my program.

Speaking of amends. I had flashback to my friend's wedding back in 1976. We were 18. She lives in another state and I will be attending her 50th birthday party in 2 weeks. When she got married I threw up in the centerpiece of our table. At least I wasn't in the wedding and it wasn't the head table. But her sister had to take me outside where I finished getting sick. Charming. And to top that off there was a bomb scare at the wedding, (long story), and while I was outside in the parking lot, in my humiliation, the entire reception had to also come outside. Freaked me out. So I'm not sure I owe my friend an amends or not. I think the bomb scare ruined her wedding not me. Not sure she was harmed by me. In fact I'm a story she gets to tell....that people can laugh at. People have lots of fun stories about me when I was drunk. Anyway, I sure as hell don't WANT to bring it back to the forefront but maybe I should. Maybe just the fact that I remembered it and am questioning it means I should make the amends. Back to my sponser...

Thank you all for being here. I've been out of sorts and haven't been participating in blogdom lately but I care. And bottom line, I did not drink.