Gospodi Pomiluj

painting by Regina LafayMy friend T killed herself yesterday.

While I was pissing and moaning about my husband being a big baby and what a hardship it was to take care of him, T killed herself. She leaves behind a 15 year old daughter. T was my friend and as close as she would allow me to be. She struggled with this disease of alcoholism as well as depression. I met T when I was just a few months in. She had relapsed after a long period of sobriety. Another friend who I gave rides to asked if we could bring her with us to meetings. I did and she was drunk. She kept saying..."God bless ya!" to me over and over again. She ended up being hospitalized and then came back and got sober. She didn't remember the rides but we ended up sitting next to each other at our morning meeting..6 days a week and she became a friend. Someone to joke with, someone to share stories with, someone to identify with. Someone to try to help. As we do in the halls. She had trouble reaching out to women but she tried. It was hard for her to pick up the phone but she did on rare occasions and it was a blessing to talk to her. She had a sponser this time. A good one. I gave her my "little red book". She wouldn't come to night meetings and did alot of sheet therapy. But she stayed sober. And then she relapsed. And then she stayed sober. She kept coming is my point. But she couldnt' get beyond the depression to work a program. Could not pray, could not do steps..but she kept trying. Our morning meeting is a round robin and the topic is What's Good About Today. T did not share personal stories at the meeting. But she shared how she felt.

What's Good About Today? I'm on automatic pilot and the one hour I am here I feel safe.

What's Good About Today? I feel homocidal and suicidal so I will pass.

What's Good About Today? Nothing.

What's Good About Today? I'm grateful I'm not the only one who feels this way.

But she would talk one on one and I was privelged and blessed to listen.

I don't know how we are going to do this meeting tomorrow. I have to chair. I am devastated. I think I am going to get flowers and put them on her chair. Is that weird? Her boyfriend is also a member of our morning meeting. They both know they should not be together..no relationships in the first year you know. Nothing good is going to come out of this for him. He is exactly like her. They were two peas in a pod. Noone can find him or reach him. I went to a meeting tonight that I have never gone to. I had told a newcomer I would take her there and when she didn't call thought I should show up, just in case. She did show up. We gave her a Big Book. At the end of a meeting another member of the morning group who happend to be there asked me if anyone had seen or heard from G. I thought he meant he's gone back out...and then this poor fellow looked devastated. "you don't know", he said. So he had to be the one to tell me. A call had come in just as the meeting started reminding me to turn off my phone so I didn't take it. It was the call. I'm glad I got the news in person. I called the woman back and she gave me what little details there were. We agreed to meet at another meeting and there were a few of us there. It was good to share our sorrow. But then the speakers started and I couldn't hear them. And I couldn't sit there. I stayed as long as I could but then I got up and left. I never leave meetings early. I think its rude. (unless its an emergency of course or work or whatever). And we're all worried about G.

T was a wonderful, funny, sweet (oh how she would hate to hear me say that), caring woman. She was a good mother. She told the truth. She was earnest. Please pray that she has found peace. And for her daughter and G, that they survive.