For Terry

Do you ever do this? Durning the course of the day, write posts in your head? Great posts...comtemplative posts. I had one yesterday..something about the nature of our existance...but the day got away. Never had an opportunity to put fingers to keyboard. It was a full day..our anniversary meeting at my home group, a funeral for a friend's mother, telephone call from a friend needing help filling in the FAFSA, tracking down a member of our group that unexpectedly didn't show up at our anniversary meeting (we've gotten very tight in that regard), coffee with a friend, meditation meeting, dinner with husband and friends. At one point, I thought to myself...this is what it means to be fully engaged. With people, places, and things. This is it. And it is good. I am safe.

Anyway, this morning I was thinking about my doctor. I am due for a physical, overdue actually, and I tried to schedule an appointment. Couldn't get one until April but that's okay. I won't see anyone but her and I hope she sticks around. She had a baby last year so has cut back. I'm happy for her. She's the first doctor I've ever been honest with. I remember our first visit...it was right after my mom's, I don't know what to call it, collapse, disintegration, deterioration, jackpot, illness, no words seem right. Well, she came in, introduced herself, went through a few obligatory questions from the "chart" and then asked me how I was. I burst into tears. I explained a bit about what was going on and she asked if she thought I might be depressed. And asked me questions. She suggested a therapist which I was resistant to and prescribed an antidepressant. It worked. Didn't change anything but I was able to keep it together to function and speak in complete sentences without falliing apart. She was very nurturing and kind. We talked a little about my drinking..of course I was not totally honest with her at that time...but I was more honest. Through the course of the years...she encouraged therapy....which I did not partake...continued to ask me about my drinking....which "we" watched, and did the rest of the phsical stuff. When I finally had a physical after going sober, I was able to tell her...the first time I'd ever been honest with a doctor, I think it had only been a month or so. I told her I was going to AA...she was encouraging and supportive. I am looking forward to April when I can tell her I'm still sober, I have used her suggestion of therapy and have gone off the antidepressants...finally.

Did that the wrong way. I'm such a bad pill taker. When I was in therapy, we talked about going off. I wasn't having any problems concerning the medication and if it wasn't broke, why fix it especially in early sobriety. My therapist referred me to a psychopharmacologist for an evaluation and she actually put me on another medication. And we discovered a B12 deficiency. That was about 4 months ago and as the pills ran out and I kept procrastinating my call to get an appointment for the refill...I stopped taking them. I guess its supposed to be a gradual process. But I really didnt' feel much different. Maybe a little more emotional but heck some really emotional things have happened around me lately. I'm crying a bit more but appropriately. So I don't know...I have an appointment next week finally...

Bottom line...I'm grateful that I can be honest with my doctors and not have the hidden secret that I'm pounding away at 1-2 bottles of wine a night. A