All My Sponsers

Thankfully I have a sponser that says....if I stayed sober today then I'm doing "the program" right. I was always very concerned about whether or not I was doing the program right. I'm getting over that... a little at a time. Part of MY program is that I now officially have 3 sponsers.

My "real" sponser is who I started with. She had me call her every day at the same time at the beginning and then we started to meeting once a week and I called her as needed. She did not LEAD me through the steps. I was a good pupil. I brought the steps to her. I'd say, I think this is where I am. I would talk about what I was doing, what I was thinking, what was bothering me...and she would gently guide me in the right direction. She's not a Big Book thumper but she lives the prinicples of AA. All I need to do is here what she says and I know she is right. She heard my fifth step and yes, I had a spiritual experience. She is the one I trust...she is the one whose opinion matters to me. She is the one who really knows me. She is also very busy.

I asked another woman to sponser me last summer at one point when my "real" sponser wasn't available. I consulted both of them and I NEVER played one against the other. My "backup" sponser is a woman who has 42 years of sobriety. In fact my real sponser had thought of asking her when her sponser passed away. I thought when I asked her she would invite me to her home and we would do the steps....and I'd have her undivided attention. Guess what? Didn't happen. What did happen was that I called her sporadically...and she would call me and read quotes from the Big Book or a daily reading. She holds a Step meeting in her home and I go to that. And mostly, she tells me either God is everything or He is nothing. She is my backup sponser...but she is more of a spiritual advisor. I know people who use her God as their Higher Power until they find one of their own.

Recently I started a Big Book Step Study. They require that you use one of "them"..someone they say has been through the process, as a sponser in order to participate in their meeting. My "real" sponser had suggested one of these meetings to me at the beginning which I turned down because I didn't want another sponser. But then I wanted a bit more from the steps. I was worried I hadn't done them "right". Now I understand that I did, but honestly had really just skimmed the surface. When I introduced myself at the first meeting I attended..I said..I have done the steps as outlined in the Big Book, with the help of a sponser, I am making amends and I try to practice Steps 10, 11, and 12 on a daily basis but I did not do it according to the tenets of this group so I will pass according to group conscious. When they introduce themselves they all say this except instead of passing they say they have been through the "process". If you haven't you say where you are in the process..I'm so and so and I'm reading. I'm so and so and I'm writing. Or you just pass. The tenet is that you have done so with a "Step Study" sponser. I don't know why I felt the need to let them know I had done the steps but I did. Maybe that will be revealed. I have a "Step Study" sponser. She is one of my Stepsisters. And I discussed it with my "real" sponser first.

I'm not completely comfortable with my Step Study sponser. I guess because I am just getting to know her and her me. Though we've been in the same meeting and I have always loved what she shares. I am writing out my fourth step..listing the people, places and prinicples that have brought up resentment, anger, fear, sadness, etc. It is MUCH more thorough. I don't know if the kid whose name I don't remember who pinched me in kindergarten and caused me to have to sit in the green chair because I retaliated in some way I don't remember is going to help me stay sober but she says if I think of it, write it down. So I did. Do I still have a "resentment" towards him. Not really, which is why I didn't put it down the first time, but it bothered me when I was 5. As I do this I do what I should not do and think about my fifth step. I'd rather do this with my "real" sponser. But I know I probably should do it with my "step study" sponser. I guess I'll cross that bridge when I come to it. I talk to my step study sponser about the process but not really about my life. I talk to my real sponser about my life and I talk to my backup sponser about what I learned today because that is the question she always asks me. Of course this all overlaps....and it is working for me. Except for maybe when I get to my fifth step.

I do not play one sponser against the other. I do not keep asking until I hear the answer I want. I use each sponser for the strengths that they have...I hate that I USE them. Doesn't sound right but that is what it is.

Sounds like something I need to talk to my sponser about.