Well, it finally happened. Someone has asked me to sponser them. I've been asked several times but I hadn't even marked a year so it was easy to say no. This time, I feel like I could but I'm not sure I should. I will be talking to my sponser about it tonight.This past year I had gotten rather close to this girl. She was living in a sober house and earnestly trying to get her life back. She has a young son in custody of her parents. I gave her rides to and from meetings and we talked alot. But as she got better, she got a job, she got a car, she got an apartment....apparantly a boyfriend, it was too much to soon. She went back out. First it was an overdose of Seboxen. Then she stopped calling and stopped going to meetings. Didn't return my calls so I stopped calling. She called me from her first stint in rehab and then I didn't hear from her. She used as soon as she got out. And it progressively got worse until she totalled her car which had stolen goods in it as well as her dealer so she's in bigger trouble. She's staying at a halfway house now and is 4 days clean. Right now it seems she just doing what she needs to do to feel better as she's still detoxing and following the rules of the house so she can stay there. One of the rules is have a sponser. She's had other sponsers but she says they weren't there for her. That's her perspective and I know from my own experience an alcoholic/addict's perspective is just a tad skewed. I'm easy. I'm her friend/mother figure. I am very grateful to be there for her but not sure that I should change my role. Not sure that's good for her or me. Not sure her intentions are anything but making things look good for the court. I know at this point because she has said so, she's not willing to go to any and all lengths. But its progress not perfection. She's better off than she was 4 days ago. I am just so grateful...She said, she has 2 more yets, the streets or jail. I reminded her that there was another....death.
So I'm trying to figure this out. I know how I feel and I just want to share it. I know there is a saying that it can happen by osmosis but I don't believe that. She has to work for it and I have to work to give it.
Lord, make me an instrument of thy peace!
That where there is hatred, I may bring love.
That where there is wrong, I may bring the spirit of forgiveness.
That where there is discord, I may bring harmony.
That where there is error, I may bring truth.
That where there is doubt, I may bring faith.
That where there is despair, I may bring hope.
That where there are shadows, I may bring light.
That where there is sadness, I may bring joy.
Lord, grant that I may seek rather to comfort, than to be comforted.
To understand, than to be understood.
To love, than to be loved.
For it is by self-forgetting that one finds.
It is by forgiving that one is forgiven.
It is by dying that one awakens to Eternal Life.
7 comments:
I think that you hit on it: Is she willing to go to any lengths? If the answer is no then I would consider what the Big Book says.
I've had several sponsees who weren't ready to get honest or go to any length. I kept working with them but eventually they decided that the steps weren't for them. It takes a lot of time and energy to be a sponsor.
I know that you'll arrive at the right decision.
I love your idea of talking it over with your sponsor tonight. Great idea!
Also, be sure before you even see your sponsor that you pray and ask God to be present as the situation is being discussed and that He guide the decision.
Good luck, God bless.
oops keystroke malfunction!
Same as Syd.
I work bloody hard at helping newcomers, and i refuse to waste all that energy on a person that will probably die due to this illness.
i refused a heartbreaking case ? nearly 2 yrs ago. i could see she wanted a friend but would not pull her weight. well, 2 years later its the same ol same ol. she calls me when she's in crises and i pull her out of the hole over a 1.5hr phone conversation. A couple of days ago she was suicidal. its very sad but they go wrong very quickly. this time she was lucky. i was able to return her call. purely by chance and she no longer wants to kill herself. but she might not be so lucky next time. What if I had been out of the country or on silent retreat, or misplaced my phone? after repeated gushy thank yous, i told her i thought her thanks was gushy and insincere, and that i would prefer her to show her gratitude by not getting into that state again. i told her i would believe that she was grateful when i saw her start looking after herself better.
seemed to work. but my god. sponsoring and assisting others in even a very piecemeal way is not easy. most people are an accident waiting to happen and there is a LOT at stake when it goes wrong. they can die for starters. my conscience will not allow me to embark upon a course of action that is a train wreck waiting to happen. I tell them so and refuse on that basis. My proviso, is that should they be willing to go to any lengths to do as I say, and be able to 'take suggestion;, that I will seriously consider their request, even if it means stretching an already very overcommitted schedule.
Sponsoring the 'half measures' brigade makes newcomers think AA doesn't work for starters. AA does !! Work. Its just that some people don't work it! But AA 'failures' like that really mess with new peoples heads. They think, 'well so and so went to meetings and had a sponsor, ..and SHE drank, so staying stopped must be some sort of strange lottery'. Which it isn't.
Its bad press for AA and bad press for your ability to sponsor.
It sounds like she likes you. Hmm if it was me, Id say. Things are going really badly for you. I'm afraid that things may get much worse for you, and because I care about you, I could not in good conscience become a sponsor in name only when it is clear that you are not willing to go to any lengths to get well, or are yet ready to take direction from me. If I were to do such a thing, 'half measures would avail us nothing,' and you would relapse sooner or later. I will be your friend, but until I am convinced that you are ready, I cannot seriously consider trying to help you complete the first nine steps.
I'm sure you will figure it out yourself. Good luck! Its heartbreaking isnt it? So many sick people and not enough hours in the day...
First, realize that a sponsor is NOT responsible for getting somone sober OR keeping them sober. The minimum sponsorship role nowadays is to present the kit of tools , show them how to use the tools (by example is the best way) answer questions, and suggest vertain directions, i.e., what meetings to attend, what to read, which Step to work (in order), talk every day to sponsor...
Good that you are bouncing this off your own sponsor's head tonight, and nothing beats prayer, so often our answer arrives through prayer.
And define your own motive. That's all from me,
Steve. Been there, done that LOTS!
If someone is NOT ready to go to any lengths, that means they do not want to stay sober, and that means
hey! i do hope it works out with this girl. she sounds like she needs a friend/mother/sponsor... you'll do the right thing.
I hope she finds her way, theres a lad whos gone back out at our meeting, he had just got a new job and everything was turning round for him.
I have never been asked to be a sponsor, I know I should do more to help others but I do my best, if someone asked me I would try my best.
Kinky about veras seeing me in a dress, that gets my heart racing a bit
I agree with Prayer Girl, talk it over with God too. Not giving her an answer right away is already a good thing. One more thing, us real alcoholics have to be careful sponsoring drug addicts. I have sponsored many girls in the recovery house, and usually it is only to fill a requirement and be a taxi cab. When the subject of NA and CA is brought up, they have a million excuses why they do want to attend these fellowships, triggers, cravings, running into dealers and old friends etc. Real drug addicts need these programs if they are to recover. I could not have gotten sober by attending CA or NA or OA, GA. The basic premise of AA, one alcoholic working with another. One addict working with another, etc. Good luck!
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