Memories

So yeah, this is me at 2 years old. Apparantly it was cute to take a picture of a 2 year old draining a beer. That is my beloved Grandfather in the background. Not sure what to make of it. Not sure if it means anything at all with regards to my alcoholism. Just interesting. I went through a lot of pictures this weekend. I think I mentioned here already that being the perfectionist that I am, I was searching for 2 pictures in particular to put in my son's yearbook. Never found them but I did sort through just about every picture we have. Relived a lot of good memories of my children. God I love them and I am grateful that I never thought it would be cute for them to sip on alcohol even though I was in throws of it myself. Pictures of me as a child and growing up. Awkward and uncomfortable. Found a lot of pictures of me as an adult..and I remembered, how hungover I was that day, how drunk I was and you can tell, wishing I was still that skinny, not such happy memories. And of course my parents. Seeing my Dad, usually with a drink in his hand or a cigarette. With my children who adored him. His decline from cancer. Our last family gathering, wine and beer bottles everywhere. And then my mother, healthy, pretty and then her decline after my father's death, even before that. It was so obvious. And then it wasn't. We were powerless and so was she. And pictures of my niece and nephews. Far away from my mother a life she will never know. A life that alcohol took away from her.

When I look at pictures of myself when I was a baby or as a child I always thought I was cute. That's rather conceited of me don't ya think.

When I look at this picture now I look at my eyes. They seem to be saying, what is going on? Why are you letting me do this? Why do I feel this way? They don't look joyful to me. A child should be joyful.

My nephew mentioned to me when he was visiting that his Dad had hit him once, my brother. I think he said with a wrapping paper roll. Nothing to hurt but I think he struck out in anger and it scared his kids. His daughter defended him reminding my nephew of what he had done to "deserve" it. I have seen my brother lose it verbally with his kids, particularly his son. My brother is sharp and can be very mean. My nephew also said that my brother told him how our Dad used to hit us alot. With a belt. I think my brother is combating that same angry emotion that was within my father. I am still learning to get over the shame that those beatings instilled in me. But hearing about it from my brother through his son validated it for me because it is something we have never talked about. It happened, it was bad, it was unjustified, it affected us. I talked to my nephew as well and I hope it helped him. Maybe its time to talk to my brother.

Well, back to work...xo