Fear, Doubt and Insecurity

You know, when I was drinking I never thought I was fearful or insecure. In fact if you asked me I was a confident, strong woman. I think if you asked the people who knew me, they would have said the same thing. I now know that I was really driven by fear, doubt and insecurity. Fear of what others would think, fear of failure, fear of not fitting in, thinking I was less than, fear of being found out, fear of being like my mother, yada, yada, yada. In fact I was a huge phoney. I put on a good front. I did what I thought I was supposed to do, even felt what I thought I was supposed to feel, as a woman, wife, mother, worker. Other than the people who were close to me, I doubt very many people knew I had a drinking problem or knew who I really was. I lied and I faked it. I would push myself to do things I truly did not want to do so I could look good and then go home and drown in a bottle of wine. I had a cold, I had allergies, I had A glass of wine with lunch with the girls, I experienced a perfect storm (menopause, heat and A glass of wine), I couldn't sleep the night before, these were just a few of my many excuses to explain my smelly breath or exhaustion from drinking. And that's not counting all the times I didn't do or follow up on something I was supposed to which I always chalked up to something OTHER than my drinking. And even without the drinking, I was not who I wanted to be. I lied to everyone but the worst damage I did was to myself. I am so grateful that I am getting to know the real me and am able to present that person to the world and sometimes even like her.

I was supposed to go camping with the girls this weekend. Its something I wanted to do but between the weather and timing I had to back out at the last minute. This is something in the past I avoided because I didn't feel a part of and then did because I wanted to fit in. 2 years ago I forced myself to go, got snookered on martinis (who the hell drinks martinis on a camping trip, let's just call it what it was, vodka), lost my contacts and generally made a spectacle of myself. Last year I went sober and got closer to my girlfriends than I had ever been. Now, this year, I am a part of, I fit in but I couldn't go due to circumstances. And that felt good. Yeah it stunk not to go but it was on my own terms and it was real. I'm sure I missed a good time but it felt good to know my limitations and to be honest. That's the best thing that happend to me this weekend.