Sunday, September 28, 2008

Discontent

Yikes! Yesterday was a tough day. Yes, I spent it with my husband and pretty much we fought all day. I cannot seem to practice these principles in my relationship. I guess that is not necessarily true. Our relationship has improved. But some of the stuff is entrenched. Even when I am trying to consciously act with patience and tolerance it doesn't seem to work. And I can't sit there like a doormat especially when he is distorting things. Or is he distorting things? Am I so selfish and self centered that I cannot see things from his point of view? I really try but I usually come up empty handed. But if I'm being honest, I'm not usually reacting with patience and tolerance. I'm usually reacting with annoyance and frustration.

Why am I able to be patient and tolerant with everyone but my husband? And how do I achieve this when I change but he doesn't? I am trying very hard to keep my side of the street clean but he doesn't even care if his side is dirty let alone clean it. I feel alone. He is not interested in what I am doing as far as AA or spiritually. It is very difficult to have any substantive conversation with him and honestly I don't really try anymore. It's all about what should we do, not why should we do it. Don't get me wrong, he is a very nice man. Everyone loves him which of course can drive me crazy. Probably because I'm not sure where I stand anymore. I love him but honestly, we are more like brother and sister than husband and wife anymore. And it makes me very sad.

I know a lot of these feelings need to be prayed on and perhaps because they have come up yet again, I have't been allowing the time to pray. Something is always in the way. So I say a prayer on the road or in the bathroom. That's good but I need more than that. I haven't been allowing time for meditation that needs to change. Change the things that I can. I can't change him. I know that but I keep trying dammit. Why can't I stop? There was a wonderful older man who came to our 11th step meditaion meeting. I think he showed up just for me. I shared a little of the above there and he was next. Basically he said to lighten up and be kind. But he said it in a way that made me cry. And he made me laught as well. So I'm going to try that for a start.

12 comments:

Syd said...

There are ups and downs in relationships. I know that I love my wife but there have been times when we were in a down time, and living more like friends than husband and wife. It happens but can swing back the other way if I treat her as I would like to be treated, and practice humor.

One Prayer Girl said...

Change takes a long time. I can't count the number of women I know who have had the exact same problems as you express. Their husbands want no part of their wife's changing life (it's scary and people don't like change). The only reason I became willing to change was because I was dying.
I have observed many times that as those of us in AA change, the relationships we are in change - VERY SLOWLY! Will they get better? Will they get worse? That remains to be seen, but "we" do get better - that's for sure if we just keep doing what is put in front of us to do.

J-Online said...

I'm learning that these things just take time. Not always the answer I like or the way I want it unfortunately

Molls said...

Oh Kathy Lynne! Sometimes men really do stink! I totally feel for you. Have you guys tried couples counseling? S and I are going again and it does help quite a bit. I'd recommend her, but she's way out in Lincoln, MA (from when we lived in Concord). Anyway, I still have your email and maybe we should get together for coffee soon. Sounds like we both could use it.

An Irish Friend of Bill said...

I never know what to say to people in this situation until i know exactly what they are saying to one another. the capacity for delusion is limitless, so it is impossible for me to say what is what without specific examples.
all i know is that it is possible to be HORRIBLY horribly wrong and have NO CLUE.
but never mind eh. keep trying. thats all we can do.

i would say talk to people. keep running it past people and see what they say. not what you THINK about it, but what you are !! actually saying and doing. ask all sorts, and see what feedback comes back.
it costs me nothing to phone the us, so if you fancy a chat or ? skype let me know!
good luck!

indistinct said...

One of the best things about getting sobriety is we get our relationships back! One of the worst things? We get our relationships back.

As I am learning to love myself, to accept my character defects, the defects keep creating friction in our relationship. While I was acknowledging that I would have my defects come up again, over and over, before there would be some kind of resolve, my partner was not as patient.

We finally sought some outside help. Sitting in a room, with a professional, seemed to make it much easier to communicate with each other. It wasn't as emotional and we were more open to hearing each other. Our relationship is growing , changing, becoming more interesting. Getting help probably kept our relationship going.

My sponsor always asked me, "Do you want to be right or be happy?" That's helped, many times, in helping me see what I was up to. Every time there is friction in the household, those words come up.

I've blabbed way to much. Thanks for letting me share.

Anonymous said...

The first year of sobriety was pure hell on my marriage. I had to deal with wreckage of my past resurfacing in my marriage as well learning to live differently. I changed, which didn't mean he changed. We have sought outside help and it has helped us tremendously. I ask god to put one hand on my shoulder and another over my mouth a lot lately:) I found I was trying to use my will on him and as we know that never really works.

Love ya,
Maura

steveroni said...

Wow, these comments are worthy of printing out, KL. Whether he has a degree or not, Indistinct could be a counselor on my street any/every day.
And others above his, pure gems.

I can only add that I've been there, where you and your husband are now. Except I was the 'husband'...

Patricia Marie said...

Hugs.

molly said...

only god knows sometimes huh. it helps me on occasion to run things through the Byron Katie "The Work".. my favorite false belief in relation to my husband is "he doesn't care".. that one gets me in all sorts of trouble. funny (or not so much really) how we don't SEE things that are right in front of us eh?.

Anonymous said...

Thanks for writting about this Kathy.

Judith said...

I'm pretty sure I remember you being there when I went through a phase of questioning my relationship with my husband. I did as my therapist advised, which was sit with my discomfort. I continued to just work on me and things ended up falling into place. I don't know that this would be everyone's experience, but I am glad that I made it through that point in my recovery to recognize on the other side that I'd chosen my spouse well. It could have gone a different way. Many people recreate their childhood relationships with their partners and often it just perpetuates what has been wrong. But I think the answers will come slowly as you continue to heal. Like my doc likes to say, just be and the rest will follow.