Powerless

The only thing that doesn't confuse me about this situation here in the US, is that there is very little I can do about this except vote and the one thing I do understand and I think is agreed upon on both sides, this whole mess is a result of a failed ecomomic policy that we have had for a very long time all the way to Reagan and the trickle down theory...one that is thought by its proponents to be "fundamentally sound". The only thing I see trickling down is greed. I don't understand why we can't just sieze the assets of these CEO's (our Treasury Secretary included) who has profited at the taxpayers expense over say the last 5 years and fix it that way. Just like they sieze the assets of drug dealers and kingpins. Except their drug is greed which I think in the end is far more dangerous to our world than any substance could ever be. At least Obama sees the big picture and with that I can still have hope that things can change.

Another thing I have no control over, my sponsee who went out and used Sunday. I am learning to detach so that I can still help her if she wants help. And that's the bottom line. But I'm still new at this and though better than I was, its still painful. I'll keep my hand out but its up to her to grab it and as long as someone grabs it, then I'm doing what I need to stay sober for myself. Hopefully I will be able to distinguish between enabling and helping as far as she is concerned. I guess that's what my sponser is for and thankfully I will be meeting with her today.

Time

First of all, thank you for all the wonderful comments. Really helped...as did getting back into my prayer routine and adding some new stuff. I've been church shopping. Not looking for a fellowship because I have one but it would be nice to have a place to pray and hear scripture that's a bit nicer than my car or messy bedroom and I think I've found it. Only time will tell. Time. That is the answer to it all isn't it?

Can you believe it? And i know you can... The chapter we were on was The Family Aferward in my BB meeting on Sunday. I could identify with so much there although I have to agree that it is written in a time when men were the breadwinners and women were subservient but again certain things in the BB are an opportunity to practice prinicples before personalities. But one of things I struggle with is what someone shared last week when we read To the Wives. I want to hit my family over the head with the book and say, SEE! This is how you should be treating me. But the fact is my family is not there yet. My son is definately an example of treating me with "cordial hatred". How much of that is developmental and how much is due to his being raised by an alcoholic, I don't know. Not really important. Time. The stuff with my Husband, Time. Spriritual Path, Time. New job, Time. Everything in due course.

Discontent

Yikes! Yesterday was a tough day. Yes, I spent it with my husband and pretty much we fought all day. I cannot seem to practice these principles in my relationship. I guess that is not necessarily true. Our relationship has improved. But some of the stuff is entrenched. Even when I am trying to consciously act with patience and tolerance it doesn't seem to work. And I can't sit there like a doormat especially when he is distorting things. Or is he distorting things? Am I so selfish and self centered that I cannot see things from his point of view? I really try but I usually come up empty handed. But if I'm being honest, I'm not usually reacting with patience and tolerance. I'm usually reacting with annoyance and frustration.

Why am I able to be patient and tolerant with everyone but my husband? And how do I achieve this when I change but he doesn't? I am trying very hard to keep my side of the street clean but he doesn't even care if his side is dirty let alone clean it. I feel alone. He is not interested in what I am doing as far as AA or spiritually. It is very difficult to have any substantive conversation with him and honestly I don't really try anymore. It's all about what should we do, not why should we do it. Don't get me wrong, he is a very nice man. Everyone loves him which of course can drive me crazy. Probably because I'm not sure where I stand anymore. I love him but honestly, we are more like brother and sister than husband and wife anymore. And it makes me very sad.

I know a lot of these feelings need to be prayed on and perhaps because they have come up yet again, I have't been allowing the time to pray. Something is always in the way. So I say a prayer on the road or in the bathroom. That's good but I need more than that. I haven't been allowing time for meditation that needs to change. Change the things that I can. I can't change him. I know that but I keep trying dammit. Why can't I stop? There was a wonderful older man who came to our 11th step meditaion meeting. I think he showed up just for me. I shared a little of the above there and he was next. Basically he said to lighten up and be kind. But he said it in a way that made me cry. And he made me laught as well. So I'm going to try that for a start.

This Blog is allied with Politics

DANGER: FOUL, STEREOTYPICAL LANGUAGE FOR OBAMA....but funny.


The Great Schlep from The Great Schlep on Vimeo.

Memories

So yeah, this is me at 2 years old. Apparantly it was cute to take a picture of a 2 year old draining a beer. That is my beloved Grandfather in the background. Not sure what to make of it. Not sure if it means anything at all with regards to my alcoholism. Just interesting. I went through a lot of pictures this weekend. I think I mentioned here already that being the perfectionist that I am, I was searching for 2 pictures in particular to put in my son's yearbook. Never found them but I did sort through just about every picture we have. Relived a lot of good memories of my children. God I love them and I am grateful that I never thought it would be cute for them to sip on alcohol even though I was in throws of it myself. Pictures of me as a child and growing up. Awkward and uncomfortable. Found a lot of pictures of me as an adult..and I remembered, how hungover I was that day, how drunk I was and you can tell, wishing I was still that skinny, not such happy memories. And of course my parents. Seeing my Dad, usually with a drink in his hand or a cigarette. With my children who adored him. His decline from cancer. Our last family gathering, wine and beer bottles everywhere. And then my mother, healthy, pretty and then her decline after my father's death, even before that. It was so obvious. And then it wasn't. We were powerless and so was she. And pictures of my niece and nephews. Far away from my mother a life she will never know. A life that alcohol took away from her.

When I look at pictures of myself when I was a baby or as a child I always thought I was cute. That's rather conceited of me don't ya think.

When I look at this picture now I look at my eyes. They seem to be saying, what is going on? Why are you letting me do this? Why do I feel this way? They don't look joyful to me. A child should be joyful.

My nephew mentioned to me when he was visiting that his Dad had hit him once, my brother. I think he said with a wrapping paper roll. Nothing to hurt but I think he struck out in anger and it scared his kids. His daughter defended him reminding my nephew of what he had done to "deserve" it. I have seen my brother lose it verbally with his kids, particularly his son. My brother is sharp and can be very mean. My nephew also said that my brother told him how our Dad used to hit us alot. With a belt. I think my brother is combating that same angry emotion that was within my father. I am still learning to get over the shame that those beatings instilled in me. But hearing about it from my brother through his son validated it for me because it is something we have never talked about. It happened, it was bad, it was unjustified, it affected us. I talked to my nephew as well and I hope it helped him. Maybe its time to talk to my brother.

Well, back to work...xo

Still Dating

I went to the service yesterday for my friends brother. It was heartbreaking. Only 46 and obviously very loved. The funeral home was overflowing with friends and family. When we pulled up we thought there must be more than one service going on but it was all for him. Quite a few of us from AA showed up to offer her support and I think it helped to have the fellowship of AA surround her. I think it also helped her sister and mother because they could see that the other alcoholic in the family had requested and was receiving help. And it felt good to be there for her. So sad that despite all this love, this man couldn't grasp it. I also contemplated the fact that I could be there. In the past I had a very hard time offering support to friends who had lost loved ones. Especially after my Dad died 10 years ago. But now that I trust in a Higher Power, I feel secure in that its okay, whatever happens. And I can try to pass that along.

That said, I heard something I really connected to last night at our Step Meeting. We were on the 7th Step. and a woman shared that her sponser said that Step 3 was when you became engaged to God and Step 7 was when you got married. I really liked that analogy. Analogies help me wrap my brain around some of this stuff. When I read an Easier Softer Way of the 12 Steps....(I had a clunker in the driveway and admitted I could not fix it..I came to believe that a mechanic could fix it and restore it to working condition, etc .) the steps clicked for me and I got myself to my first meeting. Thanks Archie. After hearing the analogy of engagement and marriage, I realized that I am probably still dating. It started out as a blind date and then I began to trust Him. Now, we've gone to second base and we're serious but I'm still working up my courage for marriage. I am developing my understanding.

Another little thing...I am looking up quotes for my son's yearbook. I found this one from Abraham Lincoln: "The best think about the future is that it comes one day at a time." Whoa! Do you think he was one of us???? xo

Let Us Pray

I am so sad. My friend lost her brother to this disease the other day as a result of suicide. She came to our Big Book meeting this morning. We were reading To the Wives. I get a lot out of this chapter and did so today as well. It shows me the progression of my disease...as described in the four types of alcoholics. And it shows me what I was doing to my family. The last person to speak alerted me to the fact that when I read this chapter I think about what my husband should be doing to help me and that he isn't, when really the chapter is about increasing our own spiritual condition. That is what I needed to hear this morning. Bottom line it is telling the wives to do that and bottom line it is telliing them that without that alcoholics cannot recover.

My friend chose to come to this meeting this morning instead of her church in which she is very active. She knew she needed to be around other alcoholics. She shared her loss with us. We shared our ESH with her and each other. We prayed together. Because she shared, she helped all of us. One thing that happens as we recover is that we can forget just how deadly this disease is, particularly when we are "functioning" as I wrote in my previous post today. One guy at the meeting said that he had thought of a drink this morning. The last time he drank he was under a bridge where he lived. He had skipped praying today and felt off but for some reason decided to come to the meeting. He came for help. He was certain that MB was there just for him. Because now he will not drink today. I think MB was there for all of us. And I think her brother was as well. I have no answers but I know he is no longer in pain.

Please keep MB in your hearts as she tries to stay sober during this difficult time.

Functioning Alcoholic

I was thinking last night about how many of us describe ourselves as "functioning alcoholics". Wish I had run to the blog as I was thinking because of the brilliance I was experiencing:)....but I'll try to explore it now. I described myself as functioning. I was able to hold down a job and even advance, hold onto my marriage, have 2 children, I had a nice home, I drove, I had friends, I was active in my community, people liked me, I read books and talked about them and on and on.

My life on the outside appeared to be normal.

Sometimes when I hear functioning alcoholic it sounds as though we were proud of it. I didn't fall into the gutter like you...I didn't go to jail....I didn't lose my children... I know we add the word YET to that but really...



But what is functioning really? Is our purpose to merely function? Do we have a soul when we function? Are we contributing to society when we function? Are we fulfilling our duties and responsibilities as parents when we function? Are we a friend when we function? Are we a worker among workers when we function? Are we a partner when we function? Are we living life as it was intended to be when we function?



Managing to function while actively drinking or using is a real danger...it allows us to deny our humanity because everything on the outside is acceptable. I no longer want to live an acceptable life. I want to live a fulfilling life. And that's what I intend to do, today.

Tagged

Idiosyncrasies of me, Judy at Vicarious Rising, tagged me with this one:

Here are the rules:
1. Link the person who tagged you.
2. Mention the rules on your blog.
3. Tell about 6 unspectacular quirks of yours.
4. Tag 6 following bloggers by linking them.
5. Leave a comment on each of the tagged blogger’s blogs letting them know they’ve been tagged.

Okay....

a) I am most comfortable when my house is straighened and clean yet I am a horrible (read that slothful) housekeeper and therefore rarely comfortable.

b) I like to drive the long way rather than use the highway.

c) I don't like to ask for directions and I have a good sense of direction so I rarely have to but I will drive around for a long long time until I click that I'm on the right road. With gas prices as they are I may need to change that.

d) I have a really hard time with drinking and eating noises in real life and in movies and have to leave the room sometimes. It makes it hard to eat in a gathering. When did smacking your lips, slurping and chewing with your mouth open become socially acceptable.

e) I watched and loved Big Brother and other reality shows...(OMG, I admitted it)

f) I like to stick my toes inbetween the holes of the afghan my grandmother gave me. I guess I still have a blankie.

So now I'm supposed to tag 6 others....let's see....

Patty over at Calm Acceptance

Syd over at I'm Just F.I.N.E.

Molly over at Recovering Wino

Michael over at Continuing Adventures of a Jedi Master

Steve-a-roni over at Another Sober Alcoholic

Mary Christine over at One Sober Alcoholic

That was really hard. Between the choosing and the inserting links thing. So I am stopping at six but if you're on my sidebar..consider yourself tagged...Have a great Saturday..

Thanks Susan Sarandon

I am Grateful...

for my son's new girlfriend who came over so my son talked to me (a little)

that I didn't threaten to facebook my son and embarass him to "make" him talk to me (defect!!)

that my first, new and only sponsee appears to be listening to me and seems to be done

that it's Friday!!!!!!!

that my daughter called to tell me she received a hug from Susan Sarandon

for my porch swing

that my husband went to the store to buy "emergency supplemental supplies" like bread & coffee

for L who showed up at our Step meeting

for shutouts (its not easy being a goalkeeper's Mom)

for The Six Things from Irish Friend that I can pass on to my sponsee

that Barack Obama seems to finally be moving ahead (if it isn't a landslide I will never understand)

for my Aunt in Georgia who tells me what its like

that I don't have any money so I didn't lose any money

that I have a Hybrid so that the price of gas isn't quite so painful (now heating my house is another story)

that I have a house

for my friends over at AABC

that the Grace of God continues to inspire me

for my morning meeting which I have to get ready for RIGHT NOW!

peace..

Comfort Zones

"Here's my problem with the 12 Step Program: I get halfway up the steps, then my fear of heights kicks in."

(from the comic strip Rhymes with Orange by Hilary Price)

I found this strip in my mother's apartment this morning (not the picture, just the joke). She had cut it out. So now I am wondering, did she ever have experience with the 12 steps before? Of course, I didn't ask her. Anything deeper than beyond where her check is, is usually meant with a vacant stare or a shrug or an I don't remember. So I have given up trying. Though I probably still have one left in me and this could be a starting off point for making a verbal amends to her. I've written my letter to her and I just don't want to bang my head against a wall. That is something to pray about.

Anyway, I thought it was funny and very true. We were just talking this morning about walking through our fears and what makes us uncomfortable. I suggested to my new sponsee, (yes I am going to give it a shot) that she sit in the circle this morning instead of way in the back by herself. She did and stuck her tongue out at me but she did. And she spoke. About how uncomfortable she was. Restless, irritable and discontent. But she spoke and that opened the meeting for others who felt the same way or remembered feeling the same way.

I have found that the more uncomfortable I am doing things in my sobriety, the more that means I should do them. Last night I went to my women's group with only 15 minutes left. I've never done that before. Maybe a few minutes but most of the meeting? No way. I've seen others do it and I've heard 15 minutes is better than none. I wanted to see my sponser and talk about this sponser stuff. I wanted to stand in the circle holding hands and say the Lord's Prayer. The whole ride there I was talking to myself. Should I or shouldn't I? But I found my car driving there so I went and it was fine. Huge smiles greeted me and I felt safe. In just 15 minutes I heard some incredible things. One of the women received her 1 year medallion and I was so happy to be there for her. And then I got to talk to my sponser and between that and the supportive suggestions and warnings from you all, I felt guided to my decision.

Or is it my decision?, she said tapping her finger on her chin looking up to the sky:)

Uh Oh!

Well, it finally happened. Someone has asked me to sponser them. I've been asked several times but I hadn't even marked a year so it was easy to say no. This time, I feel like I could but I'm not sure I should. I will be talking to my sponser about it tonight.

This past year I had gotten rather close to this girl. She was living in a sober house and earnestly trying to get her life back. She has a young son in custody of her parents. I gave her rides to and from meetings and we talked alot. But as she got better, she got a job, she got a car, she got an apartment....apparantly a boyfriend, it was too much to soon. She went back out. First it was an overdose of Seboxen. Then she stopped calling and stopped going to meetings. Didn't return my calls so I stopped calling. She called me from her first stint in rehab and then I didn't hear from her. She used as soon as she got out. And it progressively got worse until she totalled her car which had stolen goods in it as well as her dealer so she's in bigger trouble. She's staying at a halfway house now and is 4 days clean. Right now it seems she just doing what she needs to do to feel better as she's still detoxing and following the rules of the house so she can stay there. One of the rules is have a sponser. She's had other sponsers but she says they weren't there for her. That's her perspective and I know from my own experience an alcoholic/addict's perspective is just a tad skewed. I'm easy. I'm her friend/mother figure. I am very grateful to be there for her but not sure that I should change my role. Not sure that's good for her or me. Not sure her intentions are anything but making things look good for the court. I know at this point because she has said so, she's not willing to go to any and all lengths. But its progress not perfection. She's better off than she was 4 days ago. I am just so grateful...She said, she has 2 more yets, the streets or jail. I reminded her that there was another....death.

So I'm trying to figure this out. I know how I feel and I just want to share it. I know there is a saying that it can happen by osmosis but I don't believe that. She has to work for it and I have to work to give it.

Lord, make me an instrument of thy peace!

That where there is hatred, I may bring love.

That where there is wrong, I may bring the spirit of forgiveness.

That where there is discord, I may bring harmony.

That where there is error, I may bring truth.

That where there is doubt, I may bring faith.

That where there is despair, I may bring hope.

That where there are shadows, I may bring light.

That where there is sadness, I may bring joy.

Lord, grant that I may seek rather to comfort, than to be comforted.

To understand, than to be understood.

To love, than to be loved.

For it is by self-forgetting that one finds.

It is by forgiving that one is forgiven.

It is by dying that one awakens to Eternal Life.

Gratitude

I am grateful

-that my friends in Houston are okay

-that my son's soccer team finally had a win Friday

-that my daughter talks openly to me

-that several missing friends came back to the program this weekend and called me.

-for the women's meeting Friday night who supported me before I had to go to 2, count 'em, 2 cocktail parties Friday night.

-for my 11th step meditation meeting on Saturdays

-for Father Thomas Keating

-for my sponser who performed Saturday night

-for my sober friends with whom I had dinner and enjoyed my sponser

-for my husband who made an effort

-for my Big Book meeting

-for breakfast after the Big Book meeting and great conversation...

-for the Eucharist

-for being open to go where my spirit leads me

-that the Patriots won and the wonderful nap I had during the game

-that I was asked to go to Bill W.'s house in Vermont and that I said yes despite my instinct to say no.

-so much more.

Especially for Alcoholics Annonymous because none of the above would have been possible without it.

Prayers to Texas

Heard on the news last night that this hurricane will cause certain death. Looks to be devastating. I never knew anyone from Texas and now because of this blogging world and my sobriety I have friends in Texas. People I have grown to love. People who have helped me to get sober because they chose to share their experience on the internet. Please be safe and remember that God is with you. xo

Meet Me In the Stairwell

'MEET ME IN THE STAIRWELL'

You say you will never forget where you were when you heard the news

On September 11, 2001.

Neither will I.

I was on the 110th floor in a smoke filled room with a man who called his wife to say 'Good-Bye.' I held his fingers steady as he dialed. I gave him the peace to say, 'Honey, I am not going to make it, but it is OK..I am ready to go.'

I was with his wife when he called as she fed breakfast to their children. I held her up as she tried to understand his words and as she realized he wasn't coming home that night.

I was in the stairwell of the 23rd floor when a woman cried out to Me for help. 'I have been knocking on the door of your heart for 50 years!' I said. 'Of course I will show you the way home - only believe in Me now.'

I was at the base of the building with the Priest ministering to the injured and devastated souls. I took him home to tend to his Flock in Heaven. He heard my voice and answered.

I was on all four of those planes, in every seat, with every prayer. I was with the crew as they were overtaken. I was in the very hearts of the believers there, comforting and assuring them that their faith has saved them.

I was in Texas , Virginia , California , Michigan , Afghanistan ...

I was standing next to you when you heard the terrible news. Did you sense Me?

I want you to know that I saw every face. I knew every name - though not all know Me. Some met Me for the first time on the 86th floor. Some sought Me with their last breath. Some couldn't hear Me calling to them through the smoke and flames; 'Come to Me... this way... take my hand.' Some chose, for the final time, to ignore Me. But, I was there.

I did not place you in the Tower that day. You may not know why, but I do. However, if you were there in that explosive moment in time, would you have reached for Me?

Sept. 11, 2001, was not the end of the journey for you. But someday your journey will end.

And I will be there for you as well. Seek Me now while I may be found.

Then, at any moment, you know you are 'ready to go.'

I will be in the stairwell of your final moments.

PEACE

I am Grateful

....for the wisdom to know the difference.

Illusionary Pedestal

Bill W.'s 1960 response to a Chicago Group fortaking his inventory (A letter from a group in Chicago was mailed toBill W. in 1960, taking his inventory and thiswas Bill W's response. Bill was 26 years soberat the time.)

"That you seemed disillusioned with me personally may be a new and painful experience for you but many members have had that experience with me. Most of their pain has been caused not only by my several shortcomings but by their own insistence on placing me, a drunk, trying to get along with other folks, upon a completely illusionary pedestal; a station which no fallible person could possible occupy."

"I'm sure that you will understand that I have never held myself out to anybody as either a saint or a superman. I have repeatedly and truthfully said that A.A. is full of people who have made more spiritual progress than I ever, or can make. That in some areas of living I have made some decided gains but in others I seem to have stood still. And in others, still other ways I may have gone backwards. I am sorry that you are disillusioned with me but I am happy that even I have found a life here." Bill Wilson1960

Fear, Doubt and Insecurity

You know, when I was drinking I never thought I was fearful or insecure. In fact if you asked me I was a confident, strong woman. I think if you asked the people who knew me, they would have said the same thing. I now know that I was really driven by fear, doubt and insecurity. Fear of what others would think, fear of failure, fear of not fitting in, thinking I was less than, fear of being found out, fear of being like my mother, yada, yada, yada. In fact I was a huge phoney. I put on a good front. I did what I thought I was supposed to do, even felt what I thought I was supposed to feel, as a woman, wife, mother, worker. Other than the people who were close to me, I doubt very many people knew I had a drinking problem or knew who I really was. I lied and I faked it. I would push myself to do things I truly did not want to do so I could look good and then go home and drown in a bottle of wine. I had a cold, I had allergies, I had A glass of wine with lunch with the girls, I experienced a perfect storm (menopause, heat and A glass of wine), I couldn't sleep the night before, these were just a few of my many excuses to explain my smelly breath or exhaustion from drinking. And that's not counting all the times I didn't do or follow up on something I was supposed to which I always chalked up to something OTHER than my drinking. And even without the drinking, I was not who I wanted to be. I lied to everyone but the worst damage I did was to myself. I am so grateful that I am getting to know the real me and am able to present that person to the world and sometimes even like her.

I was supposed to go camping with the girls this weekend. Its something I wanted to do but between the weather and timing I had to back out at the last minute. This is something in the past I avoided because I didn't feel a part of and then did because I wanted to fit in. 2 years ago I forced myself to go, got snookered on martinis (who the hell drinks martinis on a camping trip, let's just call it what it was, vodka), lost my contacts and generally made a spectacle of myself. Last year I went sober and got closer to my girlfriends than I had ever been. Now, this year, I am a part of, I fit in but I couldn't go due to circumstances. And that felt good. Yeah it stunk not to go but it was on my own terms and it was real. I'm sure I missed a good time but it felt good to know my limitations and to be honest. That's the best thing that happend to me this weekend.

In the tradition of MC, this is me on my vacation............

I went back to my Big Book meeting this morning. I'd dropped it for several reasons, first due to conflicts and then I thought, how nice to just get up on Sunday and NOT have something to do. But I found I missed finding myself in that book. I missed learning EXACTLY how its done and reading it for myself. I missed hearing others perspective on what we had read...so I went and it was just what I needed. AND we were on How it Works...Isn't it amazing how we can keep reading the same thing over and over and it still sounds fresh. I think its because we are self centered and we like to hear about ourselves and that's what the book is all about. So what I heard today and what I circled that had not previously been noted in my book:

1. We let go absolutely
2. Though he usually doesn't think so
3. Peace of Mind
4. Conscious of His Presence
5. Abandon Ourselves
6. An effect
7. Fact finding and fact facing
8. Free of Anger
9. Dubious luxery of other men
10 Kindly and tolerant
11. Trust
12. Let Him demonstrate through Us
13. Earnestly pray
14. Good Begininng.

When the Student is Ready, the Teacher will Appear

This brilliant post is not mine. My friend Dave over at AA Beginners Club (AABC) posted this this morning and I had to share.....

I will gain more understanding when I realize . . . a teacher is not one with many students but one who creates many teachers.

THERE IS a saying when the student is ready, the teacher will appear. For many on the spiritual path, this statement implies that a teacher will show up in the flesh, ready to teach us the things we need to know. In fact, some of us feel so ready, we mistake other students, who believe they are teachers, for the teacher we long to have. When this happens, we can follow the wrong people down the wrong path, learning very little. Unfortunately, by the time we discover our error, we are a little bruised and very weary.

A teacher, a true teacher is not one who gives you anything. A true teacher is one who makes you aware of what you already have and encourages you to use it. A teacher is not one who tells you anything. A true teacher listens to you, learns from you and uses what you have to inspire other students. A true teacher recognizes your brilliance and supports you in learning how to nurture it. Seeing your dilemmas, a true teacher walks through them with you. A true teacher will look you dead in the eye, call you out of hiding and celebrate with you in the joy of standing in your truth. A true teacher will not do it for you. Instead, they will sit with you as you figure out how to do it for yourself. A true teacher will not keep score for you. They will support you in moving beyond the need to know the score. If you are really lucky, you will happen upon the greatest teacher of all: the student who brings you to the realization that you are your own greatest teacher.

Until today, you may have been searching for a spiritual teacher in the flesh. Just for to day, pinch yourself! Honor yourself for all the lessons you have taught yourself.

Today I am devoted to being the best spiritual teacher I can be!

Soccer Mom

You know, God was working in my life before I even knew it. I believe he is everywhere even when we are not aware of his presence. A recent example. I'm a soccer Mom. My son is captain of the soccer team and plays goalie. It will be an exciting year this year and I will attend every game. Last year he was on the bench. It's a long story but our local paper just did a feature article on him about how he became the starting goalie his sophomore because the previous goalie had moved to NC. They were'nt sure how E would handle the position but he did great and helped get the team to the semi finals and received the Rookie of the Year award from the team and honorable mention for the league. To me it was also an example of how some kids don't get a shot at certain positions and can excel if given a chance. Anyway, the next year, guess what happened? The other goalie moved back and the coach gave him the position, and he deserved it, so E sat on the bench. Despite that he hadn't played, his team elected him captain. They respected how he handled the situation and when interviewed by the paper he was poised, confident and graceful.

How is this evidence of God's presence?

Well, last year at this time I was just getting sober and some of you know what that's like. I needed to go to meetings every day. Twice a day. Had he been playing, I would have felt compelled to miss meetings so I could be in the stands to support him. When I was drinking I would sit with the other soccer moms, feeling less than, worried that they might smell alcohol on my breath or clenching my fists till the game was over and I could get home and do a half gainer into a bottle of wine (not mine but I heard Imus use it this morning and it describes me to a tee, LOL). Had I missed meetings, perhaps I would not have been able to stay sober. I don't know but I know the time allowed me to work my program. I never thought that perhaps this was God's way of allowing me the time. I don't think that things happen because we ask for them. We can pray to God to keep us sober and he won't do it for us but perhaps He will provide us a way....and we need to find it.

And my son, well he probably learned more in that year on the bench than he ever would have learned on the field. He's 18 today and I am proud of the young man he has become and I am so grateful that I can be a sober mother to him.

What It Was Like

We had a new person at our meeting this morning. He introduced himself as undecided. I know I spent my life undecided. Well acutally, I had decided. I decided I was not an alcoholic and that I was just like everyone else. I was remembering in my morning group the time around 1981 or 1982 when on my way home from the "disco" Daniel's, at about 2 in the morning or maybe 3, can't remember if they had the extra hour, I smashed my Toyota Corolla into a lamppost on the onramp of the highway. I woke up slumped forward on my steering wheel (this was before airbags), bleeding with some guy peering at me through the drivers side window. A good samaratian. He must have come up on the onramp behind me. When the cop came, he said that he was a friend of mine and they let him take me home. I think I said there was an oil slick and I lost control. They either believed me or more likely because it was a lamppost I hit and not another vehicle they let this guy bring me home,...TO MY APARTMENT WHERE I LIVED ALONE, things were different then. But he really was a good samaratian. I was not assaulted or raped though I certainly was in the position to have been. He just brought me home. We talked for awhile, I may or may not have kissed him, don't remember, and then I passed out. He left a note that I found in the morning with his name and phone number. I did call him but I wouldn't go out with him. I said thank you, gave him a necklace and said sayonara. Don't want to be reminded of THAT, plus he just wasn't cute enough. Ugh!

I often think that had that officer done a field sobriety test and/or arrested me, or if that nice guy had assaulted me, maybe I would have "decided" much earlier in my life that I was an alcoholic. That the kind of drinking I did was not normal. But my journey has been my journey and I am grateful I am where I am today. Grateful to be alive. "We will not regret the past nor will we wish to close the door on it" or something like that. I want to remember what it was like so I can appreciate what it is like now.

The Twelve Steps