Well, I had a better day yesterday with the boss but my 18 year old daughter is another story. Preface it all by saying, she just graduated high school and is going to college in the fall. I do believe she is experiencing as well as the whole family is experiencing some developmental phases typical of this age, middleschoolers even toddlers in the push pull of dependence and independence. I understand that intellectually but emotionally, oh boy. And we battled it out yesterday afternoon, and she is calling me names and generally behaving inappropriately. And I am trying to hold on, but ended up crying my eyes out as she said some very hurtful things. We got over it, she apologized and we moved on but I know that part of the problem is one that I have created over the years with my drinking. She can't seem to take responsiblity, everything is someone else's fault, and she can be a complete "rhymes with witch." She can be so like me it is scary and I am scared because I don't want her to make my mistakes. Don't get me wrong she is a good kid. People often tell me how proud I should be (and I am) and what a delightful person she is. My response is usually, yes I hear she's a great kid, wish I could meet her. I know we are her safety net. A place to let it all hang out but it can be alot and sometimes its just mean. And again, I am no longer running away with endless glasses of wine which seemed to make things oh so much more tolerable.
In a way, all for good though, for me. I was so upset that I did not go to a meeting last night. I know, that is precisely why I should have gone but we needed to resolve what was happening and I didn't want to take myself out of the equation. So instead I got myself out the door for a 7 am meeting this morning and I am so glad I did. A nice larger group, but not too large. A few familiar faces from the other meetings. The name is "What is Good About Today". I spoke for the first time as they went around the room. For the first time said out loud, I am Kathy and I am an alcoholic. Okay, gotta stop now, I'm tearing up. Thanks for the courage I have received here. xo
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2 comments:
Yeh feels odd speaking up at first, hearing our own voice, for the first few times in meetings. Glad you found a few familiar faces :-)
You sound really terrific. I'm glad you are finding the meetings to be a good place to go and that you realize that when you are upset, that is the best place to be. It is amazing how much peace you can find there, if you just show up.
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