DAY 3 PM

Work, not bad. Home, not bad. Still taking it easy. Been home since 2:30. Son is home for a change and it is nice. Doing the housework etc. but slowly. It's tough because when I do things that aren't necessarily fun like dishes, sorting stuff, etc. my way to make it tolerable was to sip along. So whenever I do this normal home stuff it triggers a craving. Waiting for the sauce to finish and the water to boil for the ravioli. And Imma craving. It's like tightening in my throat and chest. A restless feeling. Shortness of breath. I know a glass (or 2 ) of wine will resolve. But unfortunately it won't stop there. It NEVER DOES. Redheaded Girl describes it as the little bastard. I'm gonna call mine Big Bastard. Because right now its big. They also use that technique in Rational Recovery which I have researched. Who knows maybe I'll follow that plan. NOt sure AA is for me. I am picking and choosing.

I am the Queen of Rationalization. And the drink thing, I've spent the last few years rationalizing. I deserve it. I worked hard It won't hurt. Just for today. etc. etc. I just can't do it anymore. I just don't have anymore self respect and I know I have lost the respect of my children. I worry for them. So far so good, but who knows. I want to show them I can change and also how hard it is to change. I want to show myself. I did it finally with cigarettes so hopefully I can do this too.

I'll leave it at this for now. It is helping. I hope I don't need Rehab. I'm not feeling any bugs or anything. I'll look forward to kayaking on Saturday with my friend. That should be a helpful experience. Something new and different.