Day 2

After calling in sick yesterday because I was too hungover to deal with my boss, I once again decided that I needed to stop drinking. This is of course not the first time but I spent my day cruising the web for aa sites, boards, groups, etc. I found a blog by redheaded girl called Journey to Recovery and boy did she sound like me except she lives on the South Shore and I live on the North Shore. So I thought I'd start with her method and create a blog of my journey. At some point, I'll need to thank her for the inspiration.

Anyway, Gospodi Pomiluj. What does that mean? It means "Lord Have Mercy" and is part of the Serbian Orthodox Liturgy. Last time I stayed sober for any length of time I used it as a moniker. Serbian Orthodox was the closest I came to religious training. I'm not religious but I am spiritual. My grandmother used to take me to her church and it has special meaning to me.

I drink too much. I drink too often. I am a poor role model for my 2 teenagers. My husband is constantly nagging me about drinking (though that usually just makes me want to drink more). I guess I could be called a high functioning alcoholic. I rarely miss work(yesterday was a rare exception and I didn't tough it out because I think I knew I had to do something) I'm involved in various activities, book groups, etc., manage my life and that of my children, my home, my mother, my husband, etc. But I bet I could do better.

I'm worried about the cravings. I go a day or 2 without a drink but I get antsy. I'd say I drink at least a bottle of wine a night about 5-6 nights a week. Sometimes more. I honestly don't remember for how long I've been doing this. It seemed to build up gradually. Not sure if I need medically supervised detox because I usually never get past 2 days. This Sunday I planned to stop but I just couldn't deal and went out a bought wine by the afternoon. Sat on the porch and read and sipped. Then made dinner and sipped. Ate dinner and sipped. Then watched TV and sipped. Managed not to forget the ending (or lack thereof:) of the Sopranos in the morning but I felt like shit. Thing was, I didn't want to drink. I was angry, frustrated and needed to get away.

I need other strategies. So I am starting here. The crazy thing is that my mother has a disease called Korsakoff's Syndrome because of her drinking. You would think I would have learned something. It's a long story but suffice it to say she is left with no short term memory due to a thiamine deficiency caused by malnutrition caused by drinking. I have been left with handling all her affairs and she now lives in assisted living. She is happy now but it was a long long road.

Okay, done for now. I hope this works. Not sure how the blogging goes but here we go!