Ramblings

I'm up way too early this morning and I know I will crash this afternoon but whatever. God's will, right? I need practice praying. I just don't really know how. Or maybe I do and I just feel stupid. I don't know. That's why I added the third step prayer above so that I can see it alot. I'm not too good at memorizing. My favorite part of that prayer is the request to relieve me of the bondage of self. I always liked to think of myself as selfless but I know now that was merely an aspiration not a reality. I was completely a prisoner of the alcohol I was pouring into myself and completely selfish for desiring the effect.

Last night we did the 11th step at the Step Sisters meeting. I am grateful for this meeting because getting ahead in the steps gives me hope. It gave me a place to go when I have trouble praying. I like the idea of meditation. Now I know what everyone is talking about when they say morning meditation and I know I will get there. Practice makes perfect or should I say, practice makes progress.

Talked to my sponser yesterday about my impending vacation next week. She cautioned me about doing the 4th step in a place where I may uncover stuff and need help. We are going to an island off the coast of Maine and it's got nothing. No shops, no restaurants, no LIQUOR, no nothing. Just us and what we bring and LOBSTER! I planned this thinking I'd be bringing booze over but again I think this is another case of God leading me to where I need to be. The main purpose was some R & R and a chance to reconnect as a family before my daughter goes off to college. Of course my kids are mortified but I think they are secretly looking forward to it. We will have internet access so I may still be around here. I've got so many books to read and I want to work on Step 4 but I might just figure out how to DO it and then do the actual writing when I get back. We'll see. I like my sponser because she respects my thoughts about how to approach sobriety and the steps yet also offers me suggestions. It's not my way or the highway. I thought I'd want more structure but I think that would just piss me off and also I'd just go for the A. Like algebra, an A student but don't ask me the next day what was on the test.