Sunday, July 1, 2007

Fear of Failure

Just came home from a meeting. First repeat meeting for me. There hasn't been a meeting I haven't taken something from and this week will be full of second times with the exception of Tuesday which will be a first. Anyway, this afternoon's speaker was a very pleasant Irishman. Loved hearing his brogue and he made me think of my Irish Friend here in the blogosphere. He told his story and one of things he talked about was his fear of failure and that it helped get him through the program. I think that has something to do with how I feel right now and now that I'm in it, meaning AA and recovery, I'm in it to win it. Just diving in whole heartedly. As I feel better and better, it occurs to me, well, maybe just maybe I CAN take a drink and be okay. Test the waters if you will. Why does this thought even occur to me? It's not like I haven't tried and done this before. And that is where AA and posting and yahoo and my family really help. I've got accountability that I never had before. If I take a drink it is an admission of failure the first time I get drunk. Oh I'm sure I could do a convincing performance of a person who could just have one or two, but as in the past it would progress until I'd be hiding how much I drink.

So, normally I would think a fear of failure a fault or a negative but in this case I think it helps. Keeps me in line. I left a message for my so called temporary sponser. Kind of glad she wasn't there because I really didn't have anything to say. I just told her that I felt okay and was checking in because I thought that was what I was supposed to do. When I get to a point that I am able to sponser someone (which I know I shouldn't be thinking of but I am so whatever!) I want to be sure to remember that the sponsee (me) could sure use some directions. Who, What , Where, When and Why and even more importantly HOW.

Okay, I've got gratitude for 6 things:

Kayaking with my friend Marianne this afternoon.
Getting all the laundry done too
The Swan that allowed us to get close
Getting the kayak on top of my car with no help
The concert for Princess Diana

Peace
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3 comments:

An Irish Friend of Bill said...

ah yea, selective amnesia! Lovely!
Yeah fear has its uses. not long term, but as a start. You know if your temp isn't in, you can ask her for a good time to call. Mornings are better. 5-10mins is plenty, as you don't always know what to say anyway. but get as many phone no's as possible. you just sort of 'try them out' over the phone and see how useful they are in that respect. either that, or ask old timers in meetings who look like they are enjoying their sobriety for 'recommendations'. once you find a good meeting, ie a very positive one, its a LOT simpler, as sometimes all the really positive people kind of gravitate to one meeting, or certain areas. There are 600 odd meetings here a week, and when I started gong to meetings, there were only 3 or 4 out of those 600 that I really wanted to go to. Look for spectacular wellbeing. Sometimes, like I say, they all sort of go to the same place, other times, you find a real gem in a backwater. I always think its a good sign if the newcomer ort of gets 'mobbed' at the end. Provided there is no unscrupulous reasons for that other than trying to help the newcomer. In my old home group, the new people got a LOT of assistance. Its very easy for aa to become a sort of 'social club', where people just chat to their friends and don't approach unfamiliar faces to say hello and invite them for coffee. If they go for coffee after, that's good too. Again, as long as its for the newcomer and not for 13th stepping reasons! But try as many different meetings. What I used to do was ask someone, are there regular old-timers that go to this meeting? Then I would ask the old timer, are there long time sober women that attend this meeting? I asked that in EVERY one I visited. Jeez. Over here, certain parts of town have MUCH more AA activity than others. The more meeting there are in an area the more chance you might stumble across a really good one. But who knows. Its a bit of detective work really. Yeah, you can learn from ANY meeting really, but for sponsor shopping it pays to ask around. Whichever meeting you go to, look for the happiest person in the room and ask for a meeting recommendation from them. That's worth a try. Ah well, don't worry, it gets easier!

July 2, 2007 at 2:01 AM
Anonymous said...

Week 3 was the week I heard that little voice in my head say maybe just maybe I could go back to drinking and have just one or to drinks. Thankfully, having been there before I do know that truly isn't possible for me...one or two drinks will eventually morph into 5 to 8 drinks. It truly amazes me the power of the brain to try and rationalize drinking.

I'm reading the power of now and I keep trying to stay in the moment, enjoy the moment. Last night my mind would drift to the idea of drinking and I would drag it back to the present. Being thankful for the moment, sitting with my sons and husband all watching a movie and chatting, thankful that they were all present, full of life and at the moment happy:)

Maura

July 2, 2007 at 12:19 PM
johno said...

Forgetting how bad it was when we were drinking, and why we came in to AA is something I see ALL the time. People admit defeat, temprarily get a feeling of well being (pink cloud) and then disappear often within a month or two of coming to AA, they THINK they were mistaken as to the seriousness of the consequences of their drinking... beware!! Sometimes they have stumbled in following some alcoholic behaviour or personal trauma, its true. BUT mostly we do not arrive in AA by mistake. Remember.. we deal with alcohol, cunning baffling and powerful (BB Chapter 5) Why not try asking your sponsor what she suggests for your dilemma of can I? cant I? take a few drinks, and FEAR. Remember Alcoholism is an illness, so if you are an alcoholic, and you do take a drink, its because you are a sick (ill) not bad. WE are sick people getting well, not bad people getting good. However I suggest you speak with your Sponsor and ask her what she suggests for your current query... give her a try, give her the benefit of the doubt, she must have had something for you to ask her about sponsorship. Also ask some others people aswell if you aren't convinced about what solution she offers. My sponsors referred me to some page reference in the big book, when they gave me a suggestion. They said feel free to REJECT ANYTHING I suggest if its not in the Big Book. Let us know how you get on :-) I also saw abit of Take That on the Diana Concert!! Kayaking sounds like fun too, thanks for sharing your gratitude

July 2, 2007 at 1:53 PM

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