Wednesday, July 18, 2007

Ramblings

I'm up way too early this morning and I know I will crash this afternoon but whatever. God's will, right? I need practice praying. I just don't really know how. Or maybe I do and I just feel stupid. I don't know. That's why I added the third step prayer above so that I can see it alot. I'm not too good at memorizing. My favorite part of that prayer is the request to relieve me of the bondage of self. I always liked to think of myself as selfless but I know now that was merely an aspiration not a reality. I was completely a prisoner of the alcohol I was pouring into myself and completely selfish for desiring the effect.

Last night we did the 11th step at the Step Sisters meeting. I am grateful for this meeting because getting ahead in the steps gives me hope. It gave me a place to go when I have trouble praying. I like the idea of meditation. Now I know what everyone is talking about when they say morning meditation and I know I will get there. Practice makes perfect or should I say, practice makes progress.

Talked to my sponser yesterday about my impending vacation next week. She cautioned me about doing the 4th step in a place where I may uncover stuff and need help. We are going to an island off the coast of Maine and it's got nothing. No shops, no restaurants, no LIQUOR, no nothing. Just us and what we bring and LOBSTER! I planned this thinking I'd be bringing booze over but again I think this is another case of God leading me to where I need to be. The main purpose was some R & R and a chance to reconnect as a family before my daughter goes off to college. Of course my kids are mortified but I think they are secretly looking forward to it. We will have internet access so I may still be around here. I've got so many books to read and I want to work on Step 4 but I might just figure out how to DO it and then do the actual writing when I get back. We'll see. I like my sponser because she respects my thoughts about how to approach sobriety and the steps yet also offers me suggestions. It's not my way or the highway. I thought I'd want more structure but I think that would just piss me off and also I'd just go for the A. Like algebra, an A student but don't ask me the next day what was on the test.

7 comments:

Shadow said...

sounds like you're happy with your sponsor. good...

An Irish Friend of Bill said...

she sounds cool. you cant dismiss what sponsees say even if it is really mad because you have to address and engage the madness to get past it. there are no shortcuts! and inflexibilty always looks a bit odd i think.
dont worry. you sound a bit impatient with recovery at the mo. which is normal. 'the only instant thing in aa is the coffee', 'the lift is broken, please use the steps' etc. i felt like that too when i was new. but you cant make grass grow by willpower, you just have to folow the natural pace. i hope the trip is alright. if the step 4 is doing your head in, just go do something else. a lot of recovery is just common sense. anyway it all sounds good to me!!

Redhead Gal said...

Wow, ready to do step 4 already. I am still back at step 1 and it's been nearly a year. I need a new sponsor, one that will walk me through the steps. My current one is a bit laissez-faire, and I probably selected her for that reason. In fact, I DID select her for that reason but now I think I am ready for more work.

Have a great vacation! An island in Maine sounds like just the ticket!

Pammie said...

girl.....stay in the day. But I have to admit, your enthusiasm is contagious. You are on the right path....just stroll and enjoy the day.

Michael said...

Hi,
I am from the UK, blimey there so many of u getting sober together by blogging to each other in the US, its fantastic, where have I been.
I have always wanted just to escape from everything, I go camping a lot but theres always a load of boozy people on campsites, not that it bothers me as much now.
I am trying just lately in my blog to relive the last few years by bringing back memories hidden deep, they are often confused and come out like dreams.
I have blogged my way so far away from getting sober that now I want to come back and face my demons

Judith said...

I think reading about the step and not actually doing it is a good idea. You'll have plenty of things to do on the island... like enjoy your family!

If you're looking for a sort of "fun" AA book to read, there's one Yesterday's Tomorrows: recovery meditations for hard cases (I think that's it anyway). There's some stuff in there that's laugh out loud funny... and some that's not.

No need to rush the tough stuff, though. I've been sober almost 21 months, and I haven't done step 4 yet. Done 1-3, though. Over and over.

johno said...

The Step 3 prayer, has grown on me more, and more, as I visit difficulties and turn them over, find new difficulties and turn them over, I love the Step 3 prayer, I find it a source of Strength.