Third Step

I was not raised in a religious household. In fact I was not raised with any religious instruction or belief system at all. My father was a scientist and his philosophy was that when we (his children) reached the age of reason we could make those decisions for ourselves. The problem was that he gave us no tools to do so. Well, I shouldn't say that because he had 100s of books on different religions and raised us to question everything. I wouldn't say that he was an atheist but that he was seeking and did not trust organized religion. When I was a kid I wanted to go to my friends youth group at her Methodist church. My father wouldn't allow it. He wanted us to find our own way. (my friend's mother later ran away with the Methodist minister but that's a story for another day:) My father did find God at the end of his life which was a mindblower for me and my brothers. And I am grateful that he died in peace. I did my first heavy duty praying during his last week of life and I believe that was the gift my father left to me. Gospodi Pomiluj.

My grandmother (Dad's mom) would bring me to her church (Serbian Orthodox) when I stayed with her in the summer as a child and that is the concept of God that I have. But there aren't many Serbian Orthodox churches in New England. Many of my friends (and my Mom, though non practicing) were Catholic but as I grew older I had trouble with the Church's doctrine. When I was in college a guy I met in a bar (of course) tried to convert me. He was born again and called me and read Bible passages. I just though he was cute and he played guitar. Personally,I like Anne Lamott's approach to God. She found God in the bathroom. Another author (Frederick Buechler or something like that, he was an Episcipalian priest) that my Dad was reading spoke of church being wherever your two feet were and if they landed in a building called a church okay. I liked that as well. And I like Martha's concept of Alice. I keep singing to myself...Go ask Alice, I think She'll know.... Anyway, my point being is that I have no practice in faith which makes the concept of turning it over hard to wrap my brain around.

But...I have no doubt that I have been led to this point. And the point I was missing was the "willingness". My sponser told me I was making this much too complicated. I've got the willingness. I've got belief and I do believe I've got Trust. How could I not? Everything in the last 30 days (and if I got right down to it, my life) is showing me that I am being guided. I have written about this before. Last night, I went to a Step meeting and what do you know, which step do you think they were on? It's almost too much. If there was any doubt in my mind it was erased last night. It was a small group of mostly older folks and mostly men. The women were glad to see me. I had seen a couple of folks at other meetings. The men were so jovial, joking around, elbowing each other, it was like sitting in a room with my uncles if I had any. After we read it was time to speak and I resolved to just listen. But that's hard to do when everyone is staring at you and you're the new kid on the block. I wanted to tell them how miraculous it was that they were doing this step and that I had picked (don't really think it was me) this meeting to attend so I did. They were wonderful and truly shared their ESH with me. One woman asked me to come back. I wasn't planning on it because there is another meeting I'd like to check out and these folks have obviously been together for a while and were quite older than me. But it was like sitting in a room with your aunts and uncles who love you and want to help you do the next right thing. I'm there.


"God, I offer myself to Thee -- to build with me and to do with me as Thou wilt. Relieve me of the bondage of self, that I may better do Thy will. Take away my difficulties, that victory over them may bear witness to those I would help of Thy Power, Thy Love, and Thy Way of life. May I do Thy will always!"