I'd Rather Feel Pain than Nothing At All

I heard this song, Pain, on my way to book club last night. At first I thought, whoa, this is about SEX (nothing wrong with that of course:), but then as I listened, it is to me more about feeling. I drank to numb those feelings be they pain, anger, tension, sadness, and on and on. And I thought I drank to celebrate the good feelings but really I just erased those. So feeling relaxed, happy, funny? How nice. Have a glass of wine. Celebrate into oblivian and wake up numb. Anyway, the song hit me (no pun intended). Good head rocking song, too. Take from it what you will.



Did my book group last night. All took the margarita train but me. Luckily we are also all about the food so that helped. I had no desire but it did feel like odd man out. No discussion about my lack of a cocktail. Linda said do what I've got to do. These girls have been with me a long time. They know me. They know I need this. Hell, we all met when we worked in a bar/restaurant as young mothers. Back in the day, after work, get off shift, count our tips and drink and don't stop till the manager kicks us out. Go to another bar until closing time. If we're lucky, one of the single folks will be having a party and go there too. We won't talk about it as it may hit too close to home for a few of them but not all of them. A few just usually have one or two at the most at book club. But they have watched me overdo it for years. They have driven me home. They have watched me fall. I left last night once the party girls got going. I used to be a party girl. I would have stayed until there was nothing left. I would have had a bunch of margs and then I would have polished off a few bottles of wine. Maybe driven home with one hand over my eye. Idiot. It felt good to have that over.

I went to my morning meeting. Almost didn't because I wanted to sleep in but once I was up I was so happy I did. You know the phrase when you see a good movie, I laughed, I cried. That is how meetings are too me. Someone says something that just really makes me cry. A man celebrating the dragonflies in his front yard. Someone says soemthing laugh out loud funny. It's all recognition. I like not feeling alone. This is a good day.

I am grateful for dragonflies, my country, my friends, my life, music, the Grace of God.

HAPPY FOURTH OF JULY! CELEBRATE YOUR FREEDOM FROM ALCOHOL!