I'm sort of in this weird zone right now. I know I am going in the right direction and that feels damn good but at the same time I am petrified as to where that will lead.
Had a fight with my husband last night. It was primarily due to the fact that we were both starving and the computer crapped out. I went to a meeting and he spent an hour on the phone talking to techies who speak broken English and getting nowhere. I got home and it looked to me like he was just sitting on the porch swing waiting for me. I guess then I made him feel bad that dinner wasn't ready. I wanted to be taken care of and he wanted me to take care of him. We both needed our mommies. But at the time I was just pissed, not really because dinner wasn't ready but because he never gave it a thought and wanted me to do everything, waited for me to do everything. Not to mention, the computer. I couldn't check in with my new sober friends. Shit this sounds so selfish.
But anyway, I just wanted to get on with preparing dinner and do it quickly and he wanted to discuss how to prepare the friggin' scallops and on and on. NOW, he wants to cook. Not to mention that he wanted me to back up all our files so that they could work on the computer. Are you kidding?? Anyway, things were said, I cried which is all I seem to do these days, it was stupid really. Of course, I pulled the "I knew your support was too good to be true" card and suggested he get his ass to Al Anon, (which I'd love him to do but don't think he ever will) And really, the whole HALT thing comes into play. And while I know that intellectually, even in the moment, I am just not equipped to handle it appropriately.
That's why I am positive I need to move on to Step 4 and move on regardless of how scary it is. I thought I'd hang around Step 3 for awhile and "perfect" my relationship with God. I know, I know, progress not perfection. I get it. Of course as I was praying on this all those crazy thoughts are coming in and I'm contemplating our divorce and what about my house, will he still pay college tuition and on and on. Thank God He calmed me down to a peaceful place. I need to talk to my husband about this stuff but we do not have an honest relationship. I think we have forgotten how to. And for him, he's got this new person to deal with who is no longer completely zoned out anymore.
We may have to start back at the beginning. I just hope we can. But then, I get ahead of myself as usual.
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4 comments:
That was a lot of stuff happening all at one time. Damn, why can't you be perfect? :)
Just keep walking thru it...stay in the day...THIS DAY. Keep writting...you were having little insights all thru your post darlin.
EVERYONE can start again!
remember you are changing, and any change, even for the better, brings with it conflict.... here i'm saying this, and i understand that concept, but hubby and i are still going through conflict (quite loudly at times) about similar stupid things. by the way, i've stopped crying and progressed to shutting up. now that i also need to work on.
oh well, we all have something we need to do hey...
good luck there!
Ahh yes..The wisdom of 'HALT'. Easy to see in hindsight eh? Not so easy at the time! Ah yes the human condition is a pretty unflattering beast if I may say so. Never mind.
Yes those reactive moments are VERY ego puncturing after the event aren't they?? One never feels very good about oneself!! Well if its any consolation, I have yet to find a way of making any from of anger feel 'good'. The desire to punish feels slightly enticing at the time, but the after effects SUCK. They always feel bad. Oh well.
Many repeated humiliations (not unlike the one you describe!!) have motivated me to SHUT THE FFFF!!!!* UP!! When I am feeling 'a tad touchy', shall we say.... Hahaaha
Yeah. Don't worry. It gets better. No. you are not Satan personified. Or mad. Or weird. You are just an alky, who hasn't been 'restored to sanity as a result tof the steps', and THEN had the privilege of learning the grand old skill of 'restraint of tongue and pen'. Which is just a glorified way of saying SSHHHHHHHHUUUUUUUUT UUUUUUUUUUP!!!!!!!!!
Hahaahaa
Yeah. Don't worry, you too !! can learn this HIGHLY ! sophisticated wisdom passed down to us from our AA elders.
But yeah, it DOES get better, so don't worry. This stuff will sort itself out..
The other thing to remember next time you 'see red', is 'give them the benefit of the doubt'. Try not to launch into an attack. Back off if you are too angry, and ask about it later after you have cooled down a bit.
You are doing FINE!! Good luck with the step 4!!!
Everyday is a day to improve your relationship with "God" no need to hang around on Step 3, once you mad ethe decision. Step 4 is a way into dealing with all this "stuff", sounds like its coming just at the right time!?
ps I love scallops, butter, spring onions and ginger. You have made my mouth water. Yum!!
My Sponsor suggestsed I re read Big Book pages on Step3 often, well after doing the actual prayer, so am sure you will be no different. I am always reigning myself in from trying to run the show.
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