Oh My God!

Friday night I went to the Ask Bill W. women's meeting I've been going to of late. I was very pleased and suprised to see my sponser there. The only meeting we attend together is our Tuesday night meeting but her sponser has just recently been given the all clear from the nursing home to go out so my sponser brought her to the meeting. Unfortunately, noone seemed to be running the meeting and a speaker did not appear. My wonderful take charge sponser decided that I should do it. Geez! I knew this was going to happen at some point but I was not ready. I was encouraged by the group that it would be okay. To tell how it was and how it is now. I am fairly comfortable sharing in round robins now. I don't burst into tears when it becomes my turn anymore, most of the time:) I can raise my hand at meetings though usually what I mean to say doesn't quite come out right so I haven't done it lately. Anyway, I gave it a shot.

The chairing part, not so bad because you just read from the paper. I am the Secretary of the my Monday group so I'm used to that but then it came time for my story. I don't even know what my story is yet. I'm still trying to figure that out. I know what happened but I'm not sure why. And in some cases I don't really know what happened because I don't remember a lot of stuff. I tried to prepare for this by writing about it here but I haven't gotten past my marriage yet. But maybe preparation is not important. I guess I feel as though I don't quite have the insight yet into myself that I seem to get from other speakers sometimes. And I was petrified of making people's eyes glaze over. So I felt a little insecure in my sharing. But then again, I am me and they are them. And I shared alot of the above sort of as a disclaimer.

Anyway, I told a bit about my drinking as a teenager, in my 20's and through married life. How I finally got to AA 4 months ago and how I felt now which is hopeful and better. I got a lot of nods and a few laughs. I always have to go for the laugh. I felt pretty unemotional about it all and was just conscious of my burning face. I didn't want to dwell on stuff for too long but there are so many different periods of my drinking. And I stayed away from the stuff that I just can't talk about right now, what my kids have seen and how its affected them, my marriage or lack thereof. I can't go there yet. Anyway, it seemed that some people related. One young woman shared that she appreciated hearing that my bottom wasn't so low (I've never been arrested, no DUI's, no institutions, no rehab just like Amy Winehouse, etc. ) because it helped her to think that she was in the right place. Not to say that I shouldn't have been, of course! On the other hand, she also shared that my image of drinking wine while cooking dinner was something she wanted to be able to do someday. I told her I still did too but it was just a romanticized image. That's not what it was like. It wasn't romantic. I started dinner then many times forgot dinner. Or ruined dinner. Or ate dinner in a blackout. Dinner preparations began to start hours before necessary and the drinking didn't stop with dinner but continued until I passed out. Sometimes there was no wine for my husband at dinner because I had finished it all by then. Then had to figure out how to get more. And so on. But it scared me that my story might have given her the wrong impression.

Anyway, I did it and in some ways it felt good to get the cherry broken. On the other hand I'd be dishonest if I said I liked it. I didn't. I didn't like being the center of attention. I didn't like feeling insecure. I didn't like feeling unprepared. But I did like feeling accepted and understood. And that I did. Another woman with 17 years of sobriety shared that her story changes every few years or so. Even now. So I am encouraged by that. After all it is progress not perfection. These sayings really are true, damnit!