Roundup

And no, not that kind of roundup as my husband liked to make fun of. Happy Rodeo he said as I left yesterday morning. He just loves to find new names for my AA stuff. But geeze, what an experience and I am so grateful I attended. First of all the drive to and from really allowed me to get to know M., my new AA friend. Pretty cool. We got there early of course. I am always early because I get anxious about what I don't know. They had coffee and danish which was great because I didn't have breakfast. The speaker was tough to hear as their sound system, not so good. But the 50% I heard was inspiring. Then there were the workshops.

The Family Afterward. Helped me to understand and share about how for me the hardest part is letting go where my children are concerned. Understand that my drinking has affected them and it may take years to find out how. Understand that I can only do something about that today. By being a power of example. Hear other women's experiences which I could very much identify with.

Overcoming Guilt. Perfect followup to the family afterward. One woman shared how she had asked her son to share what it had been like for him when she was drinking. She was devastated but then he reached over and told her how much he loved her sober (she had 5 years or so). Crying moment. I feel like my past guilt is my easy guilt. I"ve got guilt right now that I struggle with over not wanting to share my life with my mother. I am her caregiver but really I am her keeper. My guilt comes from the fact that I am not a loving daughter though people assume I am. All I take care of is her finances and her meds. I am not grateful that she lives near me in assisted living. I have a book entitled How to Take Care of Parents who didn't take care of You. That is how I feel. I do not want her in my life and I am not grateful that she is. I do not embrace her. I find it difficult to respond to the workers in the facility and to my other friends with aging parents who do not understand. My mother is aging but she's only 67. She is living with 80 & 90 year olds. I shouldn't be doing this yet. She fucked up her life and in turn has fucked up mine. Obviously, I have work to do here. We also talked about cringe moments. Mainly dealing with how as drunks, we do things that are often against our morals. I've got lots of those too. Loved the woman who brought that up. She was laugh out loud funny and I appreciate being given the opportunity to laugh at myself while cringing at the same time. And also we talked about learning how to avoid the guilt ball. That's dodging that ball that people throw at you so that it doesn't stick. My husband loves to do that. He is full of shoulds. For me.

Then we had lunch. Lovely sandwiches and I connected with C. from the morning meeting. She's just so sweet. I can feel the Grace of God when I speak with her though as a Native American she calls Him the Creator. I hope I get an opportunity to know her better. She couldn't stay. I have her number now though so I'll check in. From what she has shared at meetings and what M. told me (she knew C. and her son when they were active) she has had a rough life and I know she has had a tough time with life on lifes terms in sobriety.

Living Sober and Annonymity. This was interesting because I am trying to be an open book. Having hidden this from myself and others I just want it all out on the table. I have been most gracefully cautioned about being careful about how much I share here on my blog, in the rooms, choosing a Step 5 person, etc. I am sharing my alcoholism with my immediate family and my closest friends. Will I share and do I want the community at large to know? No. There are too many judgemental people that can affect my children's lives out there. Do I want my boss to know? Nope, same reason. But one woman shared that she also doesn't share her alcoholism with those in the substance abuse program she works in. She doesn't think recovery is a prerequisite for assisting others with their recovery. Maybe not but it seems to me she is doing a great disservice to her clients. I shared that I did share mine with my friends for 2 reasons, one because they love me and care about me and I want them to know what is going on in my life. But also because some of them may have their own issues and I hope that by example if they choose to get help they know where to go. I know it is attraction not promotion but how can I attract if they don't even know I'm it. I also feel it goes without saying that "who you see here, what you hear here, let it stay here". Heard some tales of annonymity exposed, so it is something to definately be concerned, cautious and protected.

You're as Sick as your Secrets, (Honesty). This was probably the most powerful of all the workshops. Some stuff was shared that was very intense. And it was very clear that to withhold that stuff or to deny can cause serious harm such as relapse to say the least. I won't go into detail but suffice it to say, tissues were needed by all from 20 years sobriety to 2 weeeks sobriety. Some spoke in detail some spoke in generality but everything was from the heart. The differences between us were huge but I felt so close to these women who I will probably never see again. M and I were the only women from our area at the roundup besides C who didn't stay. I would have liked that particular workshop to turn into a meeting every week.

Finally we all grouped back together where our final speaker was one of those salt of earth oldtimers with 30 or 40 years of sobriety. Lots of good words of common sense and wisdom. And a raffle at the end and I was given the book Living Sober. I have one but I can't find it. I tucked it away a long time ago when I gave up my solo, self willed attempts at sobreity. There were more workshops than I could attend but that's okay it only gives me incentive to attend next year. I feel as though I was given strength to complete my fourth and fifth step....finally. I feel like I've been holding onto it. But having the opportunity to talk about honest, guilt, family and to hear what others had to say really rejuvenated me and I think will now allow me to move forward. I have a renewed sense of purpose.

Then today I did the Breast Cancer walk with 2 of my girlfriends. It was awesome. 6 miles on a gorgeous fall day in Boston. We did a lot of talking about my alcoholism. They had a lot of questions, concerns about other friends and we did a lot of sharing of our lives. They are good supportive friends and I don't think I truly realized it until today. So grateful. Walked past my daughter's dorm and she graced us with her presence. It was marvelous to give her a hug (actually 4) and we got to use a real bathroom instead of a jiffy or whatever they call those outhouses.

Anyway just ready for bed and giving Thanks. It was a fulfilling weekend.