Saturday, October 20, 2007

I'm a Bitch


Yesterday had some tough moments. Started with my boss who decided 4 minutes before I was leaving to find typos in a document that he has had for weeks. And they had to be fixed because he's meeting the client today actually. Not only that but it had been on his desk all day and he delayed working on it until just when it was time for me to leave. I wanted to explode. And then he messed around with the file on the computer so that it no longer appeared on my computer so I could fix it. It's not even that I couldn't stay but I just really resented the lack of respect for my time. So I kind of stomped around and did it but I did tell him that I wished "these things" didn't happen right before I had to leave.
I shook it off and proceeded to have a good afternoon. Went to my son's soccer game where he actually got some playing time. Then I met a new AA friend and we had coffee before the meeting and went to the meeting together. It was a good one. Lots of identification. I shared. But I got home and became PSYCHO BITCH! My husband wasn't home as planned delaying the return of a truck we were test driving. My son can't take his PSAT's because we (me) sent in the check late. He doesn't really care or at least is pretending not to care which set me off. So I ended up just yelling at everyone. Freaking out if you will. My son in like..."what is wrong with you?" I wanted to shout "I'm a goddamn alcholic, that's what's wrong!" I refused to return the truck and made my son go with my husband and while they were gone I proceeded to cry. Then I checked out my online group and felt a bit better. They got back and while I didn't apologize I did explain that I was frustrated and felt like a bad Mom.
I just have a bad taste in my mouth this morning. Trying to figure out the why. Here's what I think:
1. Too much caffeine. I had 2 mocha cappacinnos in the late afternoon. I was jacked up.
2. Hormones. I am a woman of a certain age and at certain times of the month it is difficult for me to control my emotions.
3. Guilt. Kept procrastinating sending that check in.
4. Resentful. I resented my boss for his lack of respect and my husband for the same reason.
Here's what I can do:
1. No more caffeine past 5.
2. Going on low dose BC pills to combat symptoms.
3. Procrastination is a 5 sylable word for sloth. If I've read it once I've read it 1000 times. And its not the end of the world. He already took them. The chances of getting the merit scholarship he won't be eligilble for were slim anyway. Stay in the day and move on.
4. FINISH THE GODDAMN FOURTH STEP AND GET RID OF THE RESENTMENTS & FEARS!
okay, I feel much better now:) Going to see my daughter at parent's weekend at her college today. We have a fun day planned. Just needed to let yesterday go so I could allow myself to have a fun and peaceful day.
GO RED SOX!

6 comments:

Judith said...

Hey, we sound like we're in the same mood today.

Maybe I need to cut back on the Diet Cokes.

Shadow said...

my boss (being hubby) also does that. just when i'm leaving this and that needs doing. and i get just a peeved (VERY soft word for what i actually am...).

but, you've made a plan on what to do when you loose it, good for you. i hope it works!

Michael said...

Well we cant be serene all the time can we, I really loose it from time to time, beats holding it in doesnt it!
Its like a combination of things which build up and up then some poor sod cops for the lot.
I can make myself physically sick by loosing it, though it doesnt happen as much now-a-days, I often just wonder off into the fields with the dog and pray and more often than not come back feeling better.
Bosses are like that arnt they, everything is at the last minute, they can ask you to do something and by the time they get back to you about it so much time has passed that you forgot how u did it.
I going to miss my AA meeting tonight because Luke is with me today for half term and I feel a bit guilty just being at work, his mum says I spoil him paying out £100 for a PSP for him but he is my only son!

molly said...

OH my lord girl - all I can say is I can relate. And that is putting it MILDLY. That's all I can say.

Syd said...

It sounds like the boss stirred up the resentment and then it was a downhill slide into anger with the family. I've done that also. Now I just shrug and do my best to not let anyone get under my skin for long. It sounds like you have some solutions that will work. And you recognized what was happening which is great.

Michael said...

Hi
It was all Buttercups videos and pictures I pinched by hacking into her vista account, she is going to be really cross when she discoveres it when she gets back from spain!
You know I feel good today, in fact I feel good now on balance more days than I dont which after 3 years must be good news, I darent come off the Antodepressants though just in case those black feelings come back, a psychologist I saw at my GP surgery said even with long term use the Citalopram is not harmful in any way.
Hope you are having a good day and sorry for making you jump, you must blame buttercup!