I had a revelation in the shower the other day. I have been struggling with my weight for the last few years. Basically, I ballooned. I have never been waifish but I was never FAT...until now. Although, as many women do, I always thought I was fat. Anyway, after I had my son I did lose weight and got myself down to a nice size 6. Had never been there and I loved it. Although, even then I still felt fat and wasn't happy with my body. But I loved the clothes I could wear. I basked in the compliments I got. And I was flattered at the attention I received from men.
I wasn't receiving attention, sexual or otherwise, from my husband and I'm not even close to the why now. It's still a problem and I'm not there yet. Leave it to say, we were busy with making ends meet, raising our children, and all that comes with a domestic household. "A Judgemental Whore" left this comment on "Vicarious Rising's" blog: "Most women wouldn't just go out and seek a casual fuck quite so easily, but might find themselves getting emotionally close to another guy - and that's probably when they'd be unfaithful." And that is exactly what happend to me. I met my "best friend", my "soulmate" where I worked. He noticed me. He listened to me. We talked. We had fun. He touched me. And then we had sex. Was that satisfying? Actually, no, but what led to it was.
And oh yeah, I forgot to mention, I was drinking. A lot. How did I lose the weight? I didn't eat during the day. I worked nights and I drank all night after work. Escaping, I suppose, the reality of my life. Days, I was wife and mother. Nights, I was free. It was fun. No responsiblities. And guys liked me. I was enjoying the newness of a relationship. The butterflies from a first date, the excitement of a first kiss. Desire. I missed that after years of marriage and small children who demanded all of me. No demands. Just me. Talk about self centered.
Anyway, back to the revelation. I ended up having this relationship. Cheating on my husband, my commitment, my vows. I never dreamed and still can't believe that I would do such a thing. I still haven't quite got over it. The guy, yes but the cheating, no. And if I look back on when my weight started balooning, guess when? Yes, when the relationship ended. And it was very very gradual. And became more and more acceptable. And my revelation, I was protecting myself. If I made myself as undesirable as possible, it could explain why my husband wasn't interested and stop other men from being interested. And I became complacent. Thus protecting myself from myself.
Well, who needs therapists when you have showers:)
I am grateful:
For the Big Book meeting this morning. I need it.
For the rain that took away the heat and humidity of yesterday.
For Rick who did give me something I needed when I needed it.
For my husband who tries.
For Joan who will allow me to help another alcoholic.
For showers, that not only clean my body but my soul.
ps: Question for you all: How does one keep certain poeple from commenting on one's blog? Namely our friend Micky. I am tired of deleting. Is there a way? Thanks.
10 comments:
Yes well done for using your brain in the service of uncovering the truth. as opposed to blindly following ones neuroses. God gave us brains to use!
I've read that blog, and like most things I read, I do not concur with all the conclusions she had drawn.
Yes emotional affairs, are just as much an act of betrayal, as physcial liasons. And yes, it is very comon for women to 'hide' from sexual intimacy (or intimacy full stop) by putting on weight.
There are many more layers to THAT onion! Keep on keepin in as they say..
Thanks for the share. I think many more woman cheat, especially in the work force, than would care to admit. And mix an alcholic in there and WHALA - mistake waiting to happen.
Maybe I should start taking more showers and safe $$ on the therapist??!! BIG GRIN.
Thanks for stopping by my blog with words of encouragement. The doc gave me darvocet and like the alkie I am I can't get it out of my mind so I'm about to get it out of my house. Hopefully the steroids, anti-inflammatories & xtra strength tylenol (oh and rest) will do the trick until they figure out what the hell is wrong.
Take care and I hope you enjoy the rest of your Sunday girl!!
I laughed out loud at your last line before the gratitude list. I've never been a tell-all sort of blogger--at least as the details go--but I look back on how I bounced around in relationships and their attendant beds and think of it as kind of non-verbal scream of pain. A rediscovered ability to really share my life and myself with other people is one of the greatest joys I got through sobriety and working the steps.
Stay clean, girlfriend! May the water always be hot from your shower head!
heee heee heee "who needs a therapist when you have showers" heee heeee heeee
oh my girl. i've done exactly the same. when i get too much attention, i 'hide' by gaining weight. and you know, when i do that, i actually dislike myself even more 'cause i know i'm hiding instead of just dealing with it. at the moment i'm loosing again, but not going out much either, so i can't attract attention either. also a form of hiding, right?!?!? oh well, eventually we'll get it right. at least we're aware of it...
good luck to you.
p.s. don't know about that blog thing. maybe you can do a search on http://tips-for-new-bloggers.blogspot.com/index.html???
Hi Kathy, yes no probs you can share...
Its been ten years since I was in a relationship, well thats if you dont count alcohol, I did have my fist time dating earlier this year on the dating sites but it didnt work out, now I am about to sign up again.
I would love to have someone to share my life with again and when I was on holiday I looked round at a lot of bored couples just going through the "routine" and well it did look er boring.
So sometimes I feel happy and content being single other times I long for someone special, I guess well if or when it happens it will be in gods time not mine
regarding mickys posts. I would just delete them, as I find that easier than setting up other ? stuff to make it more difficult. the trick is to delete them before you read them. Just kind of do it automaticallly.
Escaping the reality of a life can happen in so many ways. The thing about relationships is that no matter how great they are at the start with the sex and the romance, eventually it comes down to two people who have to have respect and trust for each other. And who are friends--after that the other stuff falls into place. I talked with a couple who had been married for 59 years and asked them what their secret was--the wife answered, no secret, just a pain. I had to laugh at that.
Great post. It touched on a few things I've been dealing with lately. Potentially cheating on my incarcerated baby daddy and feeling unhappy with my weight. I gained almost 75 pounds during my pregnancy as I was beating my coke, alcohol, pot and cig addictions. Then after his birth, I started drinking again. But for me its what kept me from losing weight. Glasses upon glasses of sugery wine and eating mass amounts with a good buzz. But anyway, losing weight can really make you feel good and it can help you take your power back. I need to work on another 20 pounds- I just hate working out. Its a lifestyle change and a permanent committment to health, and I guess I just don't care about my health as much as I should. Obviously---I've been polluting it in everyway for the last 14 years.... Well, forgive yourself for cheating. Your husband wasn't giving you attention, and sometimes its the emotional closeness rather than just sex that matters most. I understand.
Have a great Tuesday Ms Kathyrm!
I got tired of deleting Micky's posts. So to prevent him from posting at all, I wound up (reluctantly) enabling comment moderation under Blogger Settings—>Comments, which means now I have to approve comments before they appear on the blog.
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