Drunkalogue: High School

You don't have to read this. But as I progress through my sobriety I can't help but try to figure out how I got here. And as I work on my fourth step inventory, I thought it would help me to chronicle my drinking history. For so long I denied that I had a problem or realized I had a problem and ignored it.

The first drink I remember having was with the boy who lived across the street and his friend. His parents weren't home. I was new to the neighborhood and desparate to be accepted. I was 14 and they were 17. I think it was whiskey or scotch and we drank it straight. I remember I got really drunk and they had to walk me around the neighborhood before I could go home. I was lucky they weren't looking for something more. I actually had a huge crush on one of the boys so I guess maybe I was trying to impress him. Some impression.

The rest of my high school years are really a blur. We used to drink before the dances. We'd get spaghetti jars and mix up all the liquors in the house and mix it with orange juice or coke. Then we'd guzzle the drinks down and go to the dance. I usually threw up. One friend's parents always had cases of cold duck in their basement so we used to steal those. And once the boys across the street turned 18 they could buy for us. We drank great things like Tango, Boone's Farm Apple Wine & Strawberry Hill, Quarts of Budweiser. I just remember guzzling alot. It was all about the buzz. This was before drugs entered the picture. Drugs were a lot easier to get than liquor so for my sophomore and junior year I smoked a lot of pot and experimented with psychedelics & speed and they didn't make me throw up. Once I turned 16, we used to try to get into bars. The drinking age was 18 and fake ids were easy to get. The first drink I ever ordered was a rye & whiskey. The waitress looked at me like I was crazy. I had no idea what rye was. We used to go to the 95 Steakhouse and drink tequila sunrises and dance to the band.

Our school had 2 campuses and a path with woods between them. That's where the potheads hung out. That was me. In my flannel shirt, jeans and workboots. I was new to this school and I'm not sure why but the kids I met first were the kids who did drugs and drank. Had we not moved, I'm not sure I would have been influenced in this way though I'll never know. It was the seventies after all. We'd hang out on the path and smoke cigarettes, go in the woods to get high or drink. Bummed lunch money from people to buy joints. I used to trip AND go to class. I never got caught. I even got A's & B's, sometimes. I did get caught smoking cigarettes in the bathroom once and got suspended. But that was great because I got 2 days off of school and I drank all day. Somehow I don't even think my parents knew. After school we used to go in the woods to get high. I hung out with mostly boys. I had a few girlfriends but they didn't "party" like I did. I wasn't a tomboy but instead I thought my way to a relationship was to be one of the boys.

For me, going to school was about copping, skipping class to get high and bumming enough money to buy. I had brains. I got kicked out of the advanced classes so school was easy for me and I managed to get decent grades. At least grades that did not alert my parents. When I did get bad grades I was able to rationalize them to my parents. I have no idea where my parents were. I don't remember much family life. I was out and about at night. Driving around. In the woods. Parties. Came home when I was supposed to, watched TV and went to bed. I did get caught once stealing my Dad's muscle relaxers and I remember him crying. I used to get grounded alot. But for stupid stuff not for what I was doing. They had no idea. And certainly if they did, nothing was EVER talked about.

Once I stumbled into the cafeteria during a dance. That's where the "straight" kids hung out. I started talking to the star of the baseball team. He was really cute and 2 years older than me. I remember it being nice and he kissed me. Of course I fell in love and of course he never called me. That was my big effort to be a part of the straight kids. Of course I was tripping on mescaline at the time.

I just remember never really feeling a part of any group. I never felt like I belonged anywhere and I think that came from being uprooted from my peer group when we moved. I did feel as though I belonged there and when we moved it was so different I just became completely insecure. So I did whatever it took to belong.

There are so many little incidents that happened that make it clear to me now that I was in trouble. Too many to remember and too many to write about. At that time though, I was having fun. I didn't care about anything or anyone. Well, I cared about certain boys. But I never had a boyfriend. That always bugged me, too. It made me feel completely and totally unlovable. So I became the girl who could get the most fucked up and make people laugh. I was the good friend, the sidekick.

By my senior year, I had calmed down a little. I had 2 girlfriends that I was tight with and I wasn't doing drugs anymore except for smoking pot. I don't remember it being a conscious decision, I think I just grew out of it and I wasn't hangin with the kids who had it anymore. Still drank and always to excess, I just didn't drink as much. I had a boyfriend and had sex for the first time. It did nothing for me except make me feel insecure. But I did it because I thought that was what you did to have a boyfriend. But that got screwed up by the spring. He had his own apartment and he cheated on me, although I didn't know it. I just knew he didn't want me around anymore. So back to feeling unloved. I met another guy by graduation and he was pretty straight. So I got straight, at least when I was with him. He drank sometimes but never got drunk.

At this point I had done absolutely nothing about going to college. I lived in the moment and never thought about the future. I don't remember the SAT's. I don't remember applying to schools. I don't remember any of it. I'm not sure I did apply to any schools. Once I started dating Jimmy I certainly didn't want to leave him, so I got a job at the department store in the big city of New Haven for minimum wage and I thought I was on my way. It was all about Jimmy and nothing else mattered to me. I was looking for love.