So thinking about the old drinking days...... first of all I am so grateful that I am not there anymore. I think it is clear that I drank for a sense of belonging. After high school and after Jimmy and I broke up, I just continued to drink. I thought I was going to marry him and I was devastated when it ended. It's not necessary to go over everything and its all a blur anyway. Suffice it to say, I drank all the time after that. I felt released. It had nothing to do with belonging anymore. It was about selfishness and freedom. Went to bars, discos, afterhours bars, the whole nine yards. I played a lot of softball but that was mostly for the party too. We were actually sponsered by a bar where we got free drinks afterwards. Used to love the flaming shots. I didn't drink much at home but I was out all the time.
I went to college after a year of the workforce and minimum wage and wanted to be a social worker. I lived at home so I never became a part of the college scene (with the exception of the bars.) I started waitressing at the same time and that started a whole new party scene. I was proud that I was in school and I felt noble about my career choice but I couldn't effectively help others to help themselves when I wasn't willing or even able to recognize myself. I certainly wasn't able to keep up with the classwork and internships with all the partying I was doing. By my senior year I dropped out because I was drinking too much, going out too much and I effectively had a nervous breakdown and flunked the fall semester. I told myself it was because I loved kids too much and couldn't see them hurting. I really should have gotten professional help at that time. That was the first time I thought maybe I was an alcoholic and I did go to an AA meeting but I wasn't ready. I couldn't identify with anything. And I had my Dad saying that I wasn't and that I shouldn't wear my heart on my sleeve and that was the cause of my emotional problems. It was easier to believe him.
When I left school I had to get my own apartment. That was when the fun really began. There were just so many drunken moments. We'd bar hop. I would drink in one bar, throw up and start all over in another. I met guys and brought them home. Once I was driving home alone, drunk of course and flirting with the guy in the car next to me like you see on the commercials and ended up in my bed with him. I don't even know how that happened. I remember he got up early to go fishing and I never saw him again. I didn't even know his name. I have never said that out loud to anyone. Does sharing it on the blog count? Can I hide that again? Crazy, pre aids stuff. It's amazing I survived. Half the stuff I don't remember and half the stuff makes me shudder. I thought it was fun but I wasn't having fun. I wanted to love someone. I wanted someone to love me. I was looking for love in all the wrong places and mostly because all I did was drink. One guy I did get serious about ended up leaving me for my best friend. That was pretty devastating and I went and cried drunkenly on his mother and sisters shoulders. Disgusting. Another time I was driving home drunk and smashed into the light pole on the onramp of the highway. I was knocked out for a few minutes and when I came to a guy was staring in my window. He actually really saved my ass as he drove me home, made sure I was okay and covered for me with the cops (this was well before stringent drunk driving laws). But I didn't know him from a hole in the wall. I rewarded him for his good samaritanism by refusing to see him after that. I still have a scar on my face from that one.
I went to college after a year of the workforce and minimum wage and wanted to be a social worker. I lived at home so I never became a part of the college scene (with the exception of the bars.) I started waitressing at the same time and that started a whole new party scene. I was proud that I was in school and I felt noble about my career choice but I couldn't effectively help others to help themselves when I wasn't willing or even able to recognize myself. I certainly wasn't able to keep up with the classwork and internships with all the partying I was doing. By my senior year I dropped out because I was drinking too much, going out too much and I effectively had a nervous breakdown and flunked the fall semester. I told myself it was because I loved kids too much and couldn't see them hurting. I really should have gotten professional help at that time. That was the first time I thought maybe I was an alcoholic and I did go to an AA meeting but I wasn't ready. I couldn't identify with anything. And I had my Dad saying that I wasn't and that I shouldn't wear my heart on my sleeve and that was the cause of my emotional problems. It was easier to believe him.
When I left school I had to get my own apartment. That was when the fun really began. There were just so many drunken moments. We'd bar hop. I would drink in one bar, throw up and start all over in another. I met guys and brought them home. Once I was driving home alone, drunk of course and flirting with the guy in the car next to me like you see on the commercials and ended up in my bed with him. I don't even know how that happened. I remember he got up early to go fishing and I never saw him again. I didn't even know his name. I have never said that out loud to anyone. Does sharing it on the blog count? Can I hide that again? Crazy, pre aids stuff. It's amazing I survived. Half the stuff I don't remember and half the stuff makes me shudder. I thought it was fun but I wasn't having fun. I wanted to love someone. I wanted someone to love me. I was looking for love in all the wrong places and mostly because all I did was drink. One guy I did get serious about ended up leaving me for my best friend. That was pretty devastating and I went and cried drunkenly on his mother and sisters shoulders. Disgusting. Another time I was driving home drunk and smashed into the light pole on the onramp of the highway. I was knocked out for a few minutes and when I came to a guy was staring in my window. He actually really saved my ass as he drove me home, made sure I was okay and covered for me with the cops (this was well before stringent drunk driving laws). But I didn't know him from a hole in the wall. I rewarded him for his good samaritanism by refusing to see him after that. I still have a scar on my face from that one.
I met my husband in a bar. It was my favorite hangout. I say now he met me under false pretenses because he wasn't a drinker. He was visiting his roommate who was the bartender. The bartenders and the waiters at this place used to get their kicks by spiking drinks. I found out they were putting shots of vodka in my glasses of lambrusco. Then they'd watch me inexplicably get shitfaced on 2-3 glasses of wine. It was one of those places where everyone knows your name and you think they are all your friends. But they are all just a bunch of drunks, like you. My husband and I began our early years dating in bars. He was always taking care of me. But I settled down a little. I didn't drink as often but when I drank I always overdid it. Couldn't stop, until I passed out, threw up or both. But I still felt like I was just like everyone else. I didn't think I had a problem. I had managed to stay out of legal trouble. I had a job, my own apartment, friends and now I had a relationship.
7 comments:
thankfully we live to see another (better) day today!
Kathy Lynne, thanks for sharing your story. I've done a few of the pick up things but only did them sober, if you can believe that. Still looking for love in all the wrong places because of the emptiness.
hey girlie - i picked up my hubby in a bar too - drunk with no shoes on (don't ask me why the no shoes seems significant).. anyhoo - i'm enjoying your post :) glad you are bloggin!
I didnt do the drinking in bars but in the woods on my own at the end, but reading through your step 4 is well like being at my AA meeting, I wish thinking back I hadnt isolated myself so much as I did, I mean I spent 3 years of uni just commuting and didnt talk to hardly anyone.
ORANGE PAPERS
ee the Cult Test item, Disturbed Guru, Mentally Ill Leader for the details of these two tragic wrecks.
# The A.A. stereotype of alcoholics is untrue.
A.A. creates a completely untrue negative stereotype of alcoholics, and then says that the Twelve Steps are the magic that will fix that standardized bad guy:
Alcoholics especially should be able to see that instinct run wild in themselves is the underlying cause of their destructive drinking. ... This perverse soul-sickness is not pleasant to look upon.
Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, William Wilson, page 44.
Since most of us are born with an abundance of natural desires, it isn't strange that we often let these far exceed their intended purpose.
(Whose intended purpose? God's? Mother Nature's? The Force of Evolution's?
What happened to "A.A. requires no beliefs?")
When they drive us blindly, or we willfully demand that they supply us with more satisfactions or pleasures than are possible or due us, that is the point at which we depart from the degree of perfection that God wishes for us here on earth. That is the measure of our character defects, or, if you wish, of our sins.
Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, William Wilson, page 65.
"Instinct run wild? Natural desires exceeding their intended purpose? Pleasures due us?"
Pleasures due us from whom? And due us, according to whose ledger book? God's?
Also notice how Bill Wilson just redefined "character defects" to mean the same thing as "sins":
That is the measure of our character defects, or, if you wish, of our sins.
That noticeably changes the meaning of Step Six --
6. Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character
-- by adding a burden of guilt to the Step, making it into a begging session where we beg God to remove sins. Bill Wilson gradually morphed alcoholism from a disease to be cured, into a sin that must be removed by God. That is another Bait-and-Switch trick.
The Sage and High Priest Of Alcoholics Anonymous,
Bill Wilson
Bill Wilson was all mixed up:
* Natural desires do not supply us with "satisfactions or pleasures". Natural desires are an itch, an urge, to go get some satisfactions or pleasures. Hunger, for instance, does not give us pleasure. It gives us a big pain in the belly that drives us to go find something to eat.
* Instincts are urges to do things like eat, survive, have sex, and care for our young. Such urges are extremely intense, because that's what works to keep the species from going extinct. (See the definition of "instinct" here.)
* But there is no "instinct" to drink ethyl alcohol or get high on drugs.
* You do not voluntarily chose to get hungry, crave sex, feel a drive to survive, or wish to care for your young. You do not allow those "desires" to "far exceed their intended purpose." You are driven by very strong compulsions to do what is necessary for survival and reproduction. That's just life, keeping life going, no matter what...
* According to Bill Wilson, God is a poor bio-engineer whose designs for instincts and desires are malfunctioning badly. They aren't working as He intended, and we aren't working as He intended. Gee, we aren't getting our wishes granted; God isn't getting His wishes granted; nobody is happy. It looks like The Creative Spirit Of The Universe really screwed up this time.
Bill continued his attack on the stereotypical alcoholics:
Selfishness -- self-centeredness! That, we think, is the root of our troubles. Driven by a hundred forms of fear, self-delusion, self-seeking, and self-pity, we step on the toes of our fellows and they retaliate. ...
... the alcoholic is an extreme example of self-will run riot, though he usually doesn't think so.
The Big Book, 3rd Edition, William Wilson, Chapter 5, How It Works, page 62.
Since defective relations with other human beings have nearly always been the immediate cause of our woes, including our alcoholism, no field of investigation could yield more satisfying and valuable rewards than this one.
Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, William Wilson, page 81.
So now alcoholism is caused by "defective relations"? Earlier, Bill Wilson declared that our self-destructive drinking was caused by our sins, moral shortcomings, defects of character, resentments, instincts run wild, instinct gone astray, self-will run riot, self-seeking, selfishness, desires that far exceed their intended purpose, and failure to practice religious precepts properly. What will it be next?
People do not drink too much because they have big puffed-up strutting-peacock egos, or because they think they are the center of the Universe, or because they think they are too big and too good to need God, like Bill Wilson said.
And people do not drink too much because they are examples of instincts run wild, or self-will run riot, or because they are sinners with moral shortcomings and character defects, like Bill Wilson said.
People usually drink too much because they feel bad and are trying to feel good. They are often miserable, and just trying to "have fun."
Just because alcoholics and drug addicts have brains that are deficient in L-dopamine or beta endorphins doesn't mean that they are all selfish, immoral, and unspiritual, like Bill Wilson said.
Forty percent of all alcoholics and drug addicts were abused children who are now just trying to cope with their mangled emotional lives, damaged personalities, and shriveled cerebellar vermises. In addition, many more alcoholics and drug addicts suffer from emotional or mental illnesses that they are trying to fix by self-medicating. And there are even more people who are sick and in pain from physical illnesses, and they are just trying to kill their pain with drugs and alcohol. And last but not least, there are alcoholics who smoke and drink to kill the pain of being very sick from having drunk too much alcohol and smoked too many cigarettes for far too long.
The numbers look like this:
* Forty percent of all alcoholics and junkies were abused children. Sometimes the parents were alcoholics, sometimes dopers, sometimes just insane. Sometimes insane vicious religious nuts, or insane cruel alcoholic military sergeant fathers. Sometimes insane first, and then they used alcohol or dope to kill the pain of their insanity. Often, those abusive parents had been abused children themselves, and they were just passing it on. For whatever reason, they then abused their children, physically, or mentally, or both, and the children responded by using alcohol or dope to kill their own pain.
* And, in addition, at least half of the people in prison for violent crimes were also abused children. Perhaps it's much worse than that -- according to one survey, 85% of all violent prison inmates were abused in childhood.
* Two-thirds of all teenage mothers were raped or sexually abused as children or teenagers.
* Rape victims are ten times more likely than other women to use drugs and alcohol to excess.
* In the U.S., at least one in ten women have been raped, almost two-thirds before the age of eighteen.
* A recent survey reports that one-sixth of all rape victims reported to police are under the age of 12. (And this is the category of rape least likely to be reported.) One-fifth of these girls were raped by their fathers. They have been betrayed.
Trying to make those people quit drinking or drugging by crushing their egos and making them feel guilty doesn't work, and usually does more harm than good. (They will just get stoned again, trying to obliterate the feelings of guilt and get back to feeling good. It is neither an accident nor a coincidence that involvement with Alcoholics Anonymous was seen to increase, not reduce, binge drinking.)
oh, i see you are being Mickey'd. ugh.
Peace,
Scout
Thanks for sharing this with us. Telling your story is healing and helpful to others and part of what sets us free.
I can identify with much of what you describe here.
Peace,
Scout
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