Lost Keys

Can it really be about lost keys? I've looked everywhere and I cannot find my keys. Not in my purse, not at home, not at work, not in the car, not at my meetings, not seemingly anywhere. And my husband keeps "suggesting" that I backtrack. Well, that's helpful. I didn't think of that! My car key which is expensive to replace, my house key, my office key, the keys to two churches and my mother's keys, gone. Not to mention my very special Kathy keybob and my library card and store card swiper thingys. Thank God I didnt' drill a hole in my 1 year medallion as planned. I know that as soon as I replace all the keys, they will turn up and that pisses me off too.

Anyway, that's bugging me. Can you tell? I woke up yesterday morning at 3:30 am and couldn't fall back asleep because the damn keys were in my brain. But because I woke up early I did get my meditation in at home so that's a good thing. But the rest of the day went to pot. The morning meeting was wierd. Things were said that caused a lot of newcomers to approach me (as the chairperson that day) to ask if where they were sitting was okay, and did they share too much and should they sit somewhere else when they pass. I know the comments shared by some of the oldtimers were meant as a joke and they were talking about their experiences in other groups but people are so raw when they come in and any negative comment is taken personally. Then this one guy deliberately said something mean about another guy in his share which caused the other guy to be upset. To burning desire upset. Of course the offender and done a hit and run and left. I got a bit riled up. Mainly because I know stuff about the offender that I should not know. And what I know has taught me that 20 years of sobriety can mean nothing. And to be careful...because not everyone out there is selfless. And some are downright scuzzy. Anyway....I assured the newcomers, I talked to the guy who was upset, I talked to a few other people and tried to let it go.

Went to work and could not get through the day. I was just plum tired and couldn't stand watching the clock while listening to my jovial, intense, OCD boss and when he left for lunch I left for the day. Came home and couldn't sleep. Too much caffeine and thinking going on. I had a big fat Burger King meal, caught up on my TV shows....read my book....looked up words in my Big Book (my assignment from my new Step Study sponser) and of course did way too much thinking. I was alone from 1 pm to 10 pm cause my son and husband when to the big football game. Basically I wallowed. Maybe not quite the bitter morass of self pity but it was a morass all right. I'm going to have to look that word up now.

Take a wild guess where those thoughts brought me...am I really an alcoholic? Am I going overboard? Why did I "get it" and others don't? Does that mean they are "real" alcoholics and I'm not? I've done my steps, why do I feel the need to do them again more intensively? If I drink that vodka in the cabinet, can I still go on the Artwalk with my friends in the program? Will they still be my friends? Will they still want to hang out with me? How am I going to help this poor girl who is coming home on Sunday because her health insurance won't cover her rehab anymore? Is there anything wrong with thinking about that guy in my meeting...all the time? My sponser says obsessive thoughts are usually part of our disease...an escape. Are my thoughts obsessive? I cannot believe I have been sober for 17 months...do I want to stay that way? You betcha! Do I want to be "normal"? You betcha! I want my cake and eat it too. I want to drink AND have everything that sobriety has brought me. Is that possible? Not likely.

And then I prayed. And then I thought H.A.L.T. And then I checked my email and got an Easy Does It suggestion from Steve-a-roni. Exactly at the right time as these thoughts were coming to a crest. Welling up. And so I finally just went to bed and slept a nice sleep. Ready for the weekend. I don't have the answers to all of my questions but it feels better writing them all out like this. My feelings are still there. And my keys are still lost. But I am not going to drink. Is this what they call off the beam? Can losing your keys really bring this on because that's what it feels like. My name is Kathy and I am an alcoholic. I feel much better now.