How Not to Have a Resentment

art by www.cristiansaluas.com

We have a Friday night women's group called As Bill Sees It. I really liked the group. Some great solid women there, newcomers show up and women from a transitional detention house as well as some young girls from a halfway house come. The meeting was in a hospital and this one woman used to show up with a dog once in awhile. Noone ever told her not to though it was annoying to some. She said she used the dog therapeutically (I think she's a counsellor) and put a jacket on it to indicate that and I suppose to justify the dog's presence. Anyway, apparantly the dog peed on the rug and the hospital kicked us out. That's not the resentment though I feel bad for the women in the psych unit who will no longer get to come to this meeting.

So the meeting went for weeks without a location and we finally found one. A few of us met in a coffee shop to discuss options, a business meeting I suppose and there is this one woman. She used to be the treasurer of the group. She seems to me to be a dour and grim person. I have not once ever seen her smile. Her shares are incredibly boring and flat. But it usually did not affect me because it was in the meeting and a fairly large group. I did not have to interact with her. Anyway at the coffee shop, we were all just so very happy to see each other and to finally be doing something about the meeting. We discussed locations, conversations some of the women had with the hospital, etc. etc. Catching up on life and the whole time this woman was impatiently waiting for it all to stop. It seemed to me she couldn't stand the joy in the room. We had our business meeting came up with ideas and she was the one charged with negotitating with 2 places for the meeting. And then we didn't hear anything. I couldn't believe we put the fate of the meeting in her hands. But finally last night we had our meeting....at a local facility. Just a few of us because we haven't got the word out yet. They brought us to this lovely room. It's an old house and we were in the parlor, comfy chairs and couches, soft lighting. It was great. An attached dining room so that if the meeting gets bigger there is plenty of room. Everyone was so pleased. Then SHE shows up. All doom and gloom. She was very concerned...that the place had said we could use the room only if it wasn't in use...apparantly they rent it out...that we had actually contracted for this other room...a gym. It's not bad either and will be great if we get big but the other room is so comfortable. But she just could not get over it. I was jumping out of my skin. I swear to God that I wanted to stand up and shake her by the shoulders and say "snap out of it!" We had our meeting she chaired it and the speaker picked gratitude as the topic. It was a good meeting and this woman even shared how happy she was with her life, how content, etc. Hard to believe because she sure doesn't show it but whatever. She impatiently ended the meeting, early I might add, so that she could again tell us that she was concerned about the use of the room, ignored the fact that the facility was the one that brought us there even though she herself acknowledged that we could use it. I don't know, she just made me want to scream. I talked to another woman about it and she acknowledged it but also said that she was an elder of the group. Principles above personalities you know.

I'm not sure exactly why I feel this way. I feel compassion for most people but I don't really for her. She's just a grump. Dour. I used it before and that is the word that perfectly describes her. Definition: 1 : stern , harsh 2 : obstinate , unyielding 3 : gloomy , sullen. That's it exactly. If I try to look at my part in this, I suppose its because she doesn't like me. I want people to like me. So I guess it affects my emotional security. And I think she makes me feel guilty for feeling joyful. Like I'm doing something wrong. And I am sure that my impatience and feelings are all over my face. I don't think there was any eyerolling, I do try to restrain myself but I'll betcha she caught me at the coffee shop. I'll betcha I did it. I was really annoyed. It probably happend unconsciously. She was really spoiling the atmosphere and basically ruining a very nice evening with a very nice group of women. Of course she was sitting right next to me. I don't think I owe her an amends or anything. And in my share I did say I was insecure about how people felt about me and looked right at her. And I thanked her for her service to the group...in finding a place for us even if she doesn't really want it. But I do need to pray for her. And to try to exhibit kindness, not eye rolling and impatience.

Be the living expression of God's kindness: kindness in your face, kindness in your eyes, kindness in your smile. Mother Teresa