The Delicate Equilibrium
1 week ago
Yesterday was a tough day. Tough day at work, again. But the fact of the matter is that I cannot change my employer. He is the way he is. I have to weigh the good with the bad. And for right now, I need a job and I am not ready to make a major changes. Maybe down the road but not now. Change the things I can. Accept what I cannot. In other words, suck it up.
The afternoon was beautiful. Blew off responsibility and went kayaking on an unseasonably warm October afternoon and all that that means. Brilliant color, birds, sun, friends, peace. Wish that could have lasted.
After loading the kayak on my car, instead of going left I went right. Thought it would be a shorter way. But it wasn't and it got dark fast. I needed to get to my meeting and I was picking up someone as well. Wasn't sure where I was. Called my husband and he was no help, at first, and I couldn't listen to him. The gas light was blinking. I had to go to the bathroom. I was getting more and more wound up. This is a busy week for me and I've got things scheduled to the minute. No time to get lost. Stopped for gas, good. I had this tightening though. This tension. I didn't even think of a drink, but I did think of a cigarette, (my friends had smoked on the river). I know this is coming from the same place my alcoholism is coming from. Addiction, though I haven't smoked in years (not counting the camping butt), I bought a pack. I smoked one. It could have easily been a drink. It was gross. It did nothing for me. Why did I do this? It is making me crazy. Found my way home with time to wash the smell off and brush my teeth. Much better. Picked up my AA friend and went to the meeting. Much, much better. But even though I was headed to a meeting, it didn't stop me from smoking that butt. So I had to unload the pack. You'd think with all the smokers someone would smoke Marlboro lights but no! Finally someone took them for their daughter.
Clearly, I have work to do . I understand much better the relapser. I appreciate the sharing in the rooms and I think I know the signs. I can handle big stuff pretty well. I know there are much bigger problems than getting lost or hosting 20 16 year old boys for a soccer pasta party. But I get myself all wound up and look for relief. I must stay away from that first drink no matter what. Thankfully, the drink did not enter my mind....this time. But I don't want to die of lung cancer either. But what I am grateful for and what is different is that I spoke about it at the meeting. I was honest about what I was feeling and what I had done. I gave it all away. My track record would have been to hold onto that pack, eventually sneaking cigarettes whenever the urge struck, until I was addicted again. I am glad for that. My stuff is coming out and the more it does the better I feel. And when I put too much on my plate I need to breathe. Take a step back and change what I can or Let Go so God will do it for me. Hence, soccer game rescheduled and no pasta party. Now I'm sad that there is no team party tomorrow but grateful that my workload just downsized by 50%.
Learning all of this has made today a much better today. So ..we apply these principles in all our affairs. So much to think about. Geez!