It's Been a Decade!

Well, not quite. 

On June 11th  I will have 10 years of sobriety. 

That is 10 years of not drinking after 35 years of abusing alcohol.  I remember coming into AA and hearing people with 10, 20, 30  years of sobriety and feeling overwhelmed with the idea of that much time, of feeling remorse for lost time and feelings of hope that it was possible to live a life without alcohol.  I honestly had never thought about it until then.  A life without alcohol.  It was so ingrained into my life from childhood I never considered the possibility, didn't care to, and I accepted the unconscious choices I was making because unknowingly  my life was ruled by alcohol and the false self that it had helped to create rather than the freedom of my true self for which I was created.  "It is in self forgetting that one finds" is one of my favorite verses from the St Francis Prayer because it so very succinctly defines the spiritual journey, false self forgetting for finding true self.  Alcohol was a part of that false self but once I put the drink down, lo and behold it was still there.  Defects of character, defenses, rationalizations, justifications, mistrust, FEAR, insecurity, esteem, I could go on, all part of the human condition with or without alcohol.  Alcohol just helped protect me yet also contributed to their manifestation and acted like cement.    AA and its 12 Steps helped me to uncover the glimpse of the true self and a path for a spiritual journey that I had no idea I needed and wanted to take until alcohol brought me to my knees and broke me enough to allow the light to shine in and show me a way out.  I get why they wanted to originally title the Big Book "A Way Out" because that's what my journey in AA has felt like.  So in a way, even though alcohol was my downfall it was also my salvation.  I've learned to accept paradoxes.

I'm always happy to still have this blog even though I've been inactive.  Journaling was never my strong suit and this was a great way to journal and then to have the feedback as well as other bloggers experiences to carry the message was just so helpful to me.  I always reread some of my journal entries to remind myself of what my early recovery was like.  This year I wanted to post as well.  10 years.    My recovery is still strong though different.  I am reminded of what I heard a man named Dennis say early on, "AA is not my whole life but it made my life whole".  I know what he means now.  I have struggled in the last 5 years with how many meetings Should I be going to, how many women Should I be sponsoring, how many times Should I share...etc. etc. etc.  The Shoulds!  My therapist always says don't be a Shouldhead!  I have learned to be easy.  To understand that my recovery now is not going to look like my recovery 5 or 10 years ago.   I have found the meetings that work for me.   I do not beat myself up if I miss one.  I have a new sponsor in this last year after years of having a sponsor in name only.  She is helping me to discern my spiritual journey because that is what my recovery looks like now.  And if I can give back what was given to me, I am grateful.  

I am trying to practice these principles in all my affairs though I often fail.  See paragraph 1.  I would love to be perfect but that's one of my defects as well.  Recently we read Step 6 in the 12 & 12 which in the very first few sentences states that this step takes repeated efforts.  But how I handle these defects is much different today than it was 10 years ago or even last year. 

Certainly not with alcohol.  Thank you! 

I'm Still Here!

I cannot believe almost 4 years has passed since my last blog post.  Blogging, writing served me well in my first 3 years of sobriety and it was hard to leave it but I did for a variety of reasons.   I left my blog up in the event some newcomer, like I was 7 years ago might find it and find some help.  I have come back on occasion to vist some of the bloggers who were so helpful and inspiring to me and for whom I am so grateful.  I have reread my own posts, usually around anniversary time or when I am asked to speak to keep what it was like and what happened fresh.  So many positive changes have occurred since then and but one thing has not changed, I am still sober.

 Let's see, I was wrting my fourth step which was one of the reasons I stopped bloggiing.  Now I've been through that process and continue to practice Steps 10, 11 and 12 daily and continue the process of amends.  Some of my amends involve writing and that is one of the reasons I am back to the blog.  My therapist, who is in recovery herself, ALWAYS reccomends wrting, letters, thought logs, schedules and more..hell, I suggest those same things, yet I've been stuck and I think getting back to the blog platform will help with my own resistance, lossen things up so to speak.  In the last month or so I've had this weepy  emotional feeling.  I mentioned it last month to my therapist and without a hesitation she asked..what's the anniversary.  Well, it was just before my 7th.  So, like muscle memory, those feelings of desparation that led to surrender were being recalled along with the cumulative feelings of loss surrounding loved ones.  And of course whenever we discuss loss, we talk about letter writing, The Five Things from the wonderful book Grieving Mindfully..I'm sorry, I forgive you, thank you, I love you, Good-bye.  I feel somewhat sponsorless as my sponsor who helped me with my last 4th step and I parted ways, her journey took her in a direction that I was not willing to follow.  I went back to my first sponsor but truly she is more of a friend than sponsor so I guess I am utilizing my therapist as an unofficial sponsor at this point.  I love talking to her about living a life in recovery.

What else in 4 years..I enrolled and completed the certificate program for Alcohol and Drug Counseling, left my 12 year career as a paralegal in 2012 and am on my third job since October in the substance abuse field.  I love it.  I am home.  This week I became a Licensed Alcohol and Drug Counselor in my state.  The challenge has been keeping my own recovery separate from that of my clients.  My current job is working with 2nd DUI offenders so its a little easier to do that now because most of it involves planting seeds for those who do not recognize a problem and encouragement for those who do.  In a moment of synchronicity, my application for licensure was accepted this week which was the same week I first made the decision to move forward in this field http://gospodipomiluj.blogspot.com/2010/06/do-what-you-love-love-what-you-do.html.  Crazy when that happens!  And my therapist as another woman in recovery  really helps me keep things in perspective.  My meeting life has changed.  but I attend at least 1-2 a week.  That keeps me a part of.  But that part of can sometimes be really uncomfortable for me because another thing I have discovered is that I am truly an introvert and always was.  So while I enjoy people, I don't always enjoy socializing and I sometimes struggle with that.  Understanding that has helped me so much in being able to say no to certain social activities and distinguishing the difference between what I think I should be doing and what I actually want to do.  I don't have to accept every invitation. I think that's why blogging was so helpful to me as it allowed me to engage in meaningful conversation and reflection socially without the socializing. Does that make sense?  It's not that I'm not a fun person, I am and people seem to enjoy my company but sometimes I just prefer quietness.  

Because 40 hours of my week involve helping others with their issues surrounding substance use I am not actively involved in sponsorship.  I keep my 12th step work at the meeting level but that's a topic for another blog post as its one I've struggled with the shoulds.  I have one sponsee from before I started working.  I had to let another go which was difficult since I had known her since my first year, but I felt was no longer helping her and in fact was more enabling her.  She did not take it well.  Again a post for another day.  I contnue to practice Centering Prayer as meditation but contiue to explore other mindful practices more along a Budhism path.  I am comfortable in the unknowing and really enjoy integrating it all into one.  I had to give up my meditaion meeting 2 years ago when my work schedule changed but thankfully the meeting was not dependent on my participation and continues and I am now able to go back to it.  I really loved meditation in a group setting and especially with a group that has the same primary purpose.

My daughter remains in Germany and is now teaching English in a private preschool.  My son graduated college and lives in DC with a great job and girlfriend.  My nest is truly empty.  I am still married and though we seem to be on different paths we are making it work.  There is more, there is so much more but this is my post for today.  I have spent more time on it than I anticipated and I am not sure how much blogging I will be doing but it feels good to be writing.  Whether I keep it here or take it private I'm not sure but for now, this feels good.  May you be free from danger, may you be happy , may you be healthy, may you be free from harm.  xo

No Doors Shut....

The past has been swirling around me of late. We spent the weekend celebrating the impending marriage of an old friend of my husband's. I knew these guys when I met my husband when we were in our twenties. I did a lot of damage then. There were many remember whens this weekend and all I could say was that is why I don't drink anymore. Another example of why I shouldn't drink. and on and on. We went on a ride and stopped at this bar...its not really the type of place I ever hung out unless I was already drunk. It was really sad. It was a beautiful Sunday afternoon and we were in this dirty smelly bar with bras and other paraphenalia hanging from the ceiling. And there was a woman there that just so reminded me of myself. The life of the party. With a shot in one hand and a cigarette in another. Looking for love in all the wrong places. I was overwhelmed with gratitude that this is not my life. And grateful that I didn't have to opine on it to our friend who's life it is. I could just stand in my sobriety and drink my seltzer water quietly. But I won't be doing that again. I'll skip the next ride.

I always say that I was in denial about my alcoholism. That because certain things did not happen to me I was able to justify my drinking. As long as I wasn't "there" I must not be an alcoholic. But that isn't the real truth. The real truth is that for at least the last 10 years of my drinking I HAD conceded to my innermost self that I was an alcoholic. I knew it. That's why I lurked around AA websites and online groups. The trouble was I drowned that concession in alcohol and I was completely unwilling to concede it to YOU. Because that might mean I'd have to do something about it. My pride, my ego, my self will made it more important to prove that life was manageable WITH alcohol. I am so grateful that on that first day of sobriety something changed that had nothing to do with me. And that after 2 weeks of bouncing my head against MY way yet again, willingness arrived to make the concession to YOU and go to AA.

I am giving it ALL to God today. Or at least trying to. An old flame has contacted me on facebook. It has me a little freaked. I suppose I could have ignored his friend request but that didn't seem right. It was a relationship that was soaked in alcohol. We were very young. I was hurt and I owe him an amends. Which was my other reaction...oh shit now I know where he is when its time to do that. Maybe now is the time. And of course there is always the thought of what if.....and I cannot go there. So as my sponser says, I don't have to go anywhere. Just stay in today's moment...I don't know why this has happened and nor should I try to explain it or control it. It just is. So I shall allow the universe to flow as it should. I had just written about this guy in my fourth step when BAM! We will be amazed before we are halfway through......

I listened...

An oldtimer this morning said that at some point you've got to listen to someone. I am very grateful that this happened for me. In spite of myself. It occurred to me that listening is what I have been doing these last three years from the very first day. I read a blog that very first day and I listened. I started writing. And when I got responses to my posts, I listened. You told me to go to AA. And when my online group talked about AA and how it worked, I listened. And I went to my first meeting. And when the wonderful lady from California called me so I could get used to talking to someone on the phone, I listened. I got a sponser that very day. And when my sponser told me to call her every day at 3 and to meet with her once a week, I listened. And we did the steps. And so I continue to listen..I listen to what you tell me to do and what not to do, what works and what doesn't work, and I hear how to stay away from that first drink. And it involves a much richer life than I could have ever imagined and is taking me places that I had long ago left behind. I think this is what the Grace of God must mean...

Luge Shots

I went to a party last night for some old neighborhood friends who are moving to Chicago. I haven't seen them in awhile since we moved away and our sons who were elementary and middle school friends drifted apart as kids can sometimes do as they move into high school and college. It was good to see them and a few other parents who showed up. The elementary school our children attended was a very special neighborhood school and there is a certain bond there, even if our kids don't necessarily feel it anymore. And even though I too felt the bond, this was a place that I remember well in terms of hiding my drinking. I can remember many many hungover mornings walking my children to school. I waitressed at night then and would drink every night after my shift until the wee hours. Avoiding talking to the parents on the playground worried that I reeked of the night before. I never did really take a morning drink to quell the feeling. I just suffered through until my next shift, sometimes downing a few beers beforehand just to get to work. I remember calling in "sick" to my stint reading stories to the kids, my parent volunteer shift in the library or field trip chaperone. Or not calling in sick but suffering through and not really enjoying the moment but feeling that constant state of panic, anxiety and fear. Until it would be over and I could go home and have a glass of wine which always turned into more. I tried to do what was right for my kids and I managed in the way a "functioning" alcoholic manages. Getting by for appearances sake. And looking back its hard not to wonder just how well I functioned. Well, I don't wonder, I know what I missed. It makes me sad sometimes. This is me, not shutting the door on it.

Anyway, there were all sorts of people at the party. Parents from the neighborhood, family, old childhood friends, co-workers. And many were drinking up a storm. In the backyard they had this luge thing made out of ice that you see pictured above and they would pour the alcohol of your choice down the luge to your waiting mouth. I would have loved that back in the day, though it was said that the ice sucked up a lot of the alcohol. What was really great about the party for me was that my friends mother is also an alcoholic. I saw her at a few meetings early on, which of course freaked me out the first time...OMG, my cover is blown....and she had given me her number to call. As my program progressed, I never used it and we apparantly attend different meetings as I don't see her too much. Once in awhile from across the room. The first thing she said to me when I arrived at the party was how are you doing? I knew what she meant. It wasn't as the mother of my friend looking for small talk but as a fellow member of AA. Are you sober? And I said I was great. When the luging started and our little group of neighborhood parents started jumping on the bandwagon, she looked at me and said..I won't be doing any luges and I looked at her and said the same thing. It felt great to have that comraderie that only she and I knew about.

So today is Sunday morning..i was going to go kayaking with a church group but they cancelled under threat of rain. It's beautiful so I will go to a meeting...one that I haven't attended in quite some time as it fell to the side as I explored churches and found something there. At the time. Today, I need to hear the Big Book and then I will take my kayak out on our little lake and maybe do some writing out there. Try my hand at making a Cioppino, south beach style. And then WORLD CUP!. I've really enjoyed the games and though USA did not make it I have watched the teams progress. Was hoping Germany could etch it out since my daughter is there now and it would have been a lot of fun for her. As it is, she is consoling her German friends who were in tears and couldn't even watch the consolation game yesterday. Europeans take their soccer..futbol...seriously. I'm going to take my program seriously today..have a good one! xo

The Hard Part

So the hard part won't be making this change....this past weekend helped me to affirm that. The hard part will be telling my boss of 10+ years. It's just him and me and it will be like leaving a marriage. I will have to get past the feelings that he cannot survive without me, that he will be angry, all the projections I have. I left a job once just before I got married. I had been managing 3 stores for this small business and wanted to get into something more national since we were moving out of state. When I gave my notice, the store owner, swore at me and threw a book and said this is a fine time! He apologized later but I had been unprepared for that. So now I suppose I'm overpreparing but at least this program tells me that I must stay in the day and today I am NOT leaving my job and won't be for awhile. I have to take classes, perhaps get something part time in the field. I'm just going to let it happen and when the time is right I will know. It's overwhelming sometimes to have that level of Trust. And I don't always but its getting there. My boss loves what he does and has given me a mug..love what you do and do what you love. I will bring that in with me when it is time. I will remind him of our client who has PTSD and how I was more concerned with HER well being than with handling the case. That is what he does, what he loves. Anyway, that is not for now. For now, I will just take the actions as they unfold. Part of the actions is finishing my damn fourth step! My sponser has suggested we set a deadline of September. I think having an end time will help. And I know from my previous fourth step that more will be revealed and that whatever anxiety I am feeling may very well be alleviated. I just have to Trust.

I wish I was going to San Antonio. But alas, I will have to live it vicariously through you bloggers. Have a wonderful experience.

Do What You Love, Love What You Do

I have struggled with coming back to the blog and write because I think its just that I have so many discoveries of late I don't know how to put them into words. So perhaps I should begin at the beginning..or not really the beginning but the beginning of adult choices. I went to college to be a social worker. I think instinctually I had a desire to be of service to others...idealistically, I wanted to save the world. But because of my alcoholism and its underlying causes and conditions, namely, what I like to call defenses of charachter, a/k/a self...I ran. My beginning of the end of my social work career came during a retreat weekend with a class. The professor had us watch the movie "Ordinary People" to spark discussion. I don't remember too much of that weekend to be honest. I remember falling apart during my share because I couldn't articulate my feelings with respect to the mother, my mother, my family. I drank alot with people I barely knew. I didn't feel safe. I remember going to the professor afterwards but I couldn't ask for help. I needed help but I could only tell him that my Dad was upset resulting in the professor telling me I was immature. I quit my waitressing job. A triangular relationship exploded and I lost my best friend who took off with the boy I liked. And ultimately, though I'm not real clear on the timeline, I dropped out of school. I didn't want to be a social worker anymore. I used to say that I had social worker burnout before even becoming a social worker. Ha Ha. Looking back, I suppose, the program did an excellent job of weeding a very sick person out. And I did know that I wasn't capable of making decisions that could affect people's lives. I had no idea that all these things happen for a reason. I had no idea that I would come full circle to this place again.

I attended a conference this weekend for the non profit organization "To Write Love on Her Arms" I became aware of this suicide prevention group after my friend died. Supporting them seemed a very small way to feel as though I was doing something. I didn't do much. I joined their facebook group. Voted for them to be awarded funds and read their materials. And then they came to town and spontaneously I decided to attend. I've been toying with the idea of going back to school and reentering the human services field, most likely in the field of substance abuse but I have a lot of self doubt. I felt this from the very beginning and my sponser and therapist laughed and said I was right on target. Everyone in recovery wants to become a counsellor. But I think I knew it was a bit more than that. But I waited. They say when you are not sure to do nothing. I have a good job, make decent money and pretty much have job security. But I hate it. So anyway, I've been talking about this for 2 1/2 years. Scoping it out. But staying put. Taking no steps. But I finally did and went to this conference. I went with no expectations but I hoped to learn something that would help explain my friend's death. It didn't really. There is no real explanation. But there is understanding. And that first day, sitting in a room, it was a bar actually, believe it or not, with all these kids..who were going to school or just out of school...I felt exactly at home. The hair on my arms were raised and my emotions were overwhelming because I knew I was exactly where I was supposed to be. And everything in my life had led me to here, my broken family, my broken education, my broken relationships, my broken body, mind and spirit and my friend's suicide. And there is beauty in that brokenness., The beauty of the Truth. Pieces to put togehter. Without the brokenness there would be no pieces. I don't know what I will end up doing. I do know that I'm checking out a certificate program at our local community college. I know that I have choices today that I didn't have when I was all clogged up with alcohol. I know that there are still defenses that are yet to be broken. But I know that when they break...I am not meant to fix them. Because they are beautiful.

Running Dialogue

Last night I got my medallion from my women's group. And my sponser said some wonderful things about me which choked me up. I was thinking about how uncomfortable I get when people say nice things about me or praise my work in recovery, tell others I walk the talk, share what wonderful things I do, how quickly I seemed to "get it" and on and on. I heard someone say in a meeting once that his problem was comparing his insides to other people's outsides. And I heard a woman speak this morning about the real recovery are the bits and pieces inside that noone but God sees. Your innermost self as the Big Book describes. "We had to concede to our innermost self that we were alcoholic." I "forgot" to let my morning group know in advance that it was my anniversary. But I think the real truth is that I didn't want to hear all the congratulations because I didn't want to hear the running dialogue inside my head:

They don't really know you if they did they would never say this
Guess you pulled one over on them
You don't deserve this
It's not true, It's a lie
You are Bad, don't believe them

and on and on......the "twisted thinking"....and as I do the work on my fourth step I am uncovering the real truth in my fears...fear that I am unworthy, less than, unaccepted, unloved. And all the evidence to the contrary as evidenced by these wonderful people in my life is not enough to conquer the running dialogue. I will still beat myself up.

And on the flip side....the balancing act...is a not to believe for a second that I..the big ME...has anything to do with anything. Pride is just another word for fear. If these good things are true, real...its because of a Higher Power in the universe...my job is to connect. And I am so grateful to AA for showing me how through the twelve steps. I pray that someday the inner dialogue will go away. I am convinced that it will because the obsession to drink went away as promised. The physical and mental aspect of my disease is gone, erased..I am neutral about alcohol. And though that's no small thing..erasing this inner dialogue is where the rubber meets the road. Its the solution to the spiritual malady from which I suffered and continue to suffer. I only want one dialogue...one channel.....that of peace. I know it is possible because our book tells us it is...and because I experience glimpses of it...but I also know it is an ideal..and that I may never reach it but as long as I "patiently strive" towards that ideal I am closer, and better, and that is evidenced in my own life because I can write this about the inner dialogue and speak to it and not keep it a big, dark secret.

A man from our morning group celebrated his year anniversary today and he shared that a year ago he had tried to commit suicide, that he had planned for it and he had been excited about his plan. I identified with that..not with the suicide part..that's not part of my story..but the fact that he thought he had found a solution to his problems and he was exicited for it. How wonderful that he did not suceed in HIS solution and that he found the REAL Solution. That is something to be excited for and I am. xo

Busy as a Bee

My friend is coming for a visit next weekend. She's the one I was supposed to go to London with last September who broke up with her boyfriend of 10 years just before. At the time I was full of worry about the lost deposit on the trip and she was full of worry about whether she was doing the right thing. It's amazing how more and more examples of what stepping aside and letting go and letting things happen as they may....usually and almost always work out better than anything we could have planned. A New Employer as they say. So instead of what we had originally planned, I went on this fantastic trip with my family and she's getting married in September to a wonderful man. Unfortunately, she had to move to Indiana but she's coming back for a visit with her Stepsisters and to make wedding arrangements and staying with me. I'm going to have an open house Saturday night for our Tuesday night group where we can present her with her 5 year medallion that she missed while away.

Needless to say, I'm trying to get ready for that. For some of us, living in a two story house can be dangerous. I can keep the downstairs relatively orderly and clean...but how do we do that...we shove everything upstairs! My daughter's room has been in a state of flux since she went away to college..as I try to turn it into an office/guest room. Well now its done! YAY! And my closets are cleaned and the bathroom is decorated. It makes me happy. Sadly, even with the sign "USE ME" on the hamper, my son will continue to throw his clothes on the bathroom floor, LOL! I told him to take a look at the two other bedrooms so he can absorb what a clean room looks like. I have to take responsibility that he was not taught this so I can't have any expectations from him.


Doing these mundane chores used to be the perfect drinking occasion for me. And they'd never get done, big suprise. Instead, I enjoyed the England v. USA match as I organized and was so happy USA did not lose. While we were in England we were able to catch the Premier League championship game that Chelsea (my son's favorite team) won so I do have an affinity to certain English players but I'm USA all the way. Will watch Serbia play this morning..I'd love to be there, my brother is as he has his dream job where he gets to watch and talk about soccer and get paid for it. So I am enjoying following his journey.

Back to work!

So here I am...3 years and still sober. I spent the day yesterday doing much of what I've been doing. I went to my morning meeting. I hadn't made any special notice that it was my anniversary. I guess we are supposed to put our name on a calendar so they can pass a card around. I wasn't sure cause we have a member list as well that contains our sobriety dates. So I figured what happens will happen. And yes they need the calendar. But we do chips every day and they end with asking whether anyone has a yearly so I stood up then. And the woman who did the chips was the very same woman who encouraged me on the the day I received my 24 hour chip so it was special to me. The founder of the group scolded me for not letting anyone know...I didn't really do it on purpose but to be honest I was glad that What's Good About Today did not revolve around my anniversary because that is what would have happened and its embarrassing. After she scolded me, she came back and congratulated me too. I'm all for celebrations so maybe it was wrong not to let them make a big deal out of it...but I felt good.

I went to work and we are slow so I spent much of the day catching up on bloggerville in between phone calls and tasks. Writing my post and reading others. I went back and read my early days of sobriety and how I felt. If it had not been for this outlet and the ability to have these meetings between meetings where I could put ALL my focus on sobriety I'm not sure where I'd be. So maybe its wrong to spend work time on personal stuff but its what I needed to stay sober and become a worker among workers. It's a balancing act.

I spent the afternoon with my mother. She's an alcoholic who is permanently disabled with Korsakoff's syndrome. No chance of recovery but she doesn't drink. Instead her disease now manifests in hoarding and obsessive compulsive behavior. We try to manage it with medication and she is seemed good since adding an antidepressant. I was able to bring her to the facilities computer and share her grandchildren's facebook photos and the like. This was quality time that we have not spent in years. So it was encouraging.

And last night I spoke at a woman's meeting I attend so that was good. And then all the shares I tried to avoid at the morning meeting were spoken and it was special. These are the woman who are a part of my life and I love them. They are role models and they are compadres. As usual, afterwards I feel like I didn't say what I wanted but I guess I said what I needed. And I was spent. Went to a comedy show with my sponser and her friend. It was really bad and I had to make my exit.....that bad.

So what's new? I've lost 43 lbs since September. South Beach diet style. I don't like to say I'm on a diet but that I changed my diet. Sugar free, Low fat, whole grains..the way we are supposed to eat if we want to be healthy. I can only imagine what would happen if I actually exercised...I've been trying to get into a discipline of walking and it will come..I have a bad back so it hinders progress....but I know I'll get there. I enjoy interacting with my friends on Facebook...maybe why I haven't been here so much. I'm STILL writing my fourth step...with occasional lulls. I guess its just that since I went through the steps in that first year with my ass on fire..this time is more to help me increase my conscious contact..break down those ego driven barriers...and so my ego gets in the way sometimes as does that 5 syllable word for sloth..procrastination. But I need to do it..I paused the ninth step so I could do this.....and I know that is the step that will set me free....I'm still married to the same man..still have the same job (though I so want to change that [the job not the marriage]..but my Sponser says wait...I'm not sure that I will). I sponser 2 women...one is on her fourth step and not rushing..and the other is anxious to get there. I still put my hand out whenever I can and I've learned that NOTHING is up to me. Still practicing Centering Prayer as my primary source of meditation though like everything my discipline experiences lulls.

I had an wonderful opportunity to meet Irish Friend of Bill and johno in May as my family went abroad to visit my daughter in Germany. I felt like I was encountering celebrities and it was wonderful as these two women were the very first to find me in blogland and encourage me and guide me to and through AA. It was a trip of a lifetime for us and we had the best of times and the worst of times..."European Vacation" style.
I learned on this trip that I have an unshakable foundation as described in the 12 x 12. I wasn't able to get to meetings that i had lined up between logistics and timing but I stayed sober and felt great. Did get to a meditation meeting in London though and it was great. Would have loved to check out the meetings in Germany and Czech Republic but maybe next time. I'd love to get to San Antonio but this trip took a lot of finances from us even with the tax refund that funded most of it...so I'll have to wait till the next one.

Have a great day......its good to be writing again.

ps: the sign is from around Windsor Castle.....took all I had not to steal it:) xo

THREE YEARS

Hey There...its been awhile. Today is three years for me. Three years ago I woke up on this mornng..it was a Monday...and I was soooooooooooooooo hungover. I hadn't passed out, I hadn't blackout...but it had been a weekend that I had planned to quit drinking yet again and I hadn't. The day before was a nice day and I spent it on my porch reading and drinking wine...then I made dinner and I drank wine...then we watched the Sopranos finale and I drank wine. And then I went to bed. And when I woke up I was sick...again. And I couldn't go to work...again. I was shaking, my insides had siezed in a constant feeling of panic and anxiety. I looked like shit. I stank. I could not pull it together. So I faked a cold and called in sick and I layed down on my couch full of the "bitter morass of self pity." But I was restless and discontent...I was really angry with myself and full of shame...and a thought came to me that I could not go on like this and I didn't want this to be just another day. I knew I could just fall back asleep and sleep it off....eat something big and gross and I'd feel physically better, this was my practice and I'd drink again...but I didn't want to drink again. So I went to my computer....I went to the AA Beginners Group on Yahoo and read their posts.....I'd been lurking there for a few years thinking maybe I had a problem...maybe I could learn something that could help me solve the problem...I didn't really want to do anything....I just wanted to feel better. I wanted to be able to have a drink and not feel this way. I didn't know I could never have a drink. That the first one I spent so much time justifying and rationalizing was the one that got me every time. I thought maybe I needed rehab so I looked for ones in my area...there was a doctor who wrote articles on alcholism in our local paper and I looked him up. Then I stumbled upon the Top 100 Sober Blogs....and started reading....actually I read a blog called Journey to Recovery by Red Headed Gal and I very much identified with her. I spent my day on the computer doing this stuff and then I went to bed. I didn't tell my husband I was planning to quit...I just didn't have a drink for that one day. Then the next day I thought maybe I should start my own blog....journal...I'd never done that before. And I thought, maybe I should follow some of the suggestions I'd read in the book Living Sober...and that the members of AABC talked about. And so I started my own little progam taking a little of this and a little of that and then I wrote about it here. And a few people found me and welcomed me...made some suggestions.....redirected me...until after about 2 weeks of trying it alone....I knew it wasn't working this little program of my own design and I took the plunge...I went to my first AA meeting and I've been going ever since. It works. But I can't just sit there and expect to become sober just as you can't sit in a garage and expect to become a car. I had to take the actual steps....and I did and the obsession to drink was lifted. When I understood that my body reacted to alcohol in an abnormal way, my guilt and shame at my inability to control my drinking subsided...and when I learned there was a Solution and followed the guidelines in How it Works..I experienced a Spiritual Awakening that replaced all desire for alcohol and provided me with a way of experiencing and looking at the world with new eyes. And though I had no idea a Spiritual Awakening is what was coming..it did. And it may not be a thunderbolt or white light..it may not be conventional in any sense...but Its a new beginning. and I am very grateful.

So the apples are for my teachers..for all of you bloggers who share your lives and offer such inspiration and support, for the members of AABC who carry the message to people like me, afraid and ashamed, to Bill W and Dr Bob for discovering and sharing the solution that worked for them..because before that there was no solution. It was graveyards, looney bins or the streets. For my sponsers and the women and men of my community who make going to meetings a profound experience. For the people in my life who cause me pain and suffering that I learn how to grow, for my family who continues to support me and teaches me to practice these principles in all my affairs. I am surrounded by Grace and it is beautiful. Thank you...xoxoxox

Howdy!

Steve E. suggested I take a few moments to say Howdy and I try to follow suggestions from the "oldtimers" so HOWDY! ... All is well in my world....One thing that's great in my world is, it is small. I remember when I first got to AA everything seemed so BIG! and BIG meant overwhelming. Gradually, through a program of action, things seem small today. All I have is what is right in front of me. I need to keep that especially clear during this holiday season.

So I think I will hit a church service this morning...maybe even 2 (i'm trying to decide between 2 churches if I decide to become a church person). Then decorate the Christmas tree..joy...then pay the bills..not so much joy......and gather paperwork for a refinace....really not joy but will lead to peace.....a little online shopping.....then make the chicken soup for dinner....a typical day if you swap out church for AA meeting....

so Howdy to y'all! xo

My Grandmother's Lamp

This was my grandmother's lamp. When she died, my aunt asked me if there were any of her possessions I particularly wanted and this was it. I always loved this lamp and it reminded me of the fond memories I have of going to Grandma's house when I was a child. Grandma's house was the place of unconditional love. It was the only place of unconditional love that I was aware of at the time. It represented all of my instinctual needs being met. My desire for love and affection, security and survival, power and control. The lamp was upstairs, first in my aunt's bedroom and then in the hallway. Upstairs where the bedrooms were, which were pretty and soft. Unlike our bedrooms at home, which were small, undecorated, cold and crowded. The tv room was upstairs too where I could snuggle with my Grandma and watch her stories or have a lunch of grilled cheese and ginger ale while she took a break from ironing and watch Hollywood Squares. Grandma's house was also the place where I did not have to compete for attention. 2 weeks of every summer I got to go and be the only child, away from my two brothers. Not that I was doted upon but I was included. It was simple things, we did laundry on Mondays through an old wringer washer and hung on the line, ironing on Tuesdays while my Grandmother talked on the phone to her sisters, dusted on Wednesdays, listening to the soundtrack from Sound of Music (the Broadway production with Mary Martin, mind you), vacumed on Thursdays (though we carpet swept every day), grocery shopped on Fridays (at the Giant Eagle and Kroger because one had good bread and one had the sales). We picked lettuce from the garden and made dinner and then went for frozen custard. Sometimes I got to help in the hospital gift shop where she volunteered. Sometimes I got to swim at the community pool. It was just me and Grandma until Grandpa came home from work with his silly jokes. We went to Serbian Church on Sundays and it smelled good and was safe. Then my parents would come to get me and we'd have a big Sunday dinner that always started with homemade chicken noodle soup with the best noodles you have ever tasted. I hated to leave, to the point of attempting to run away from home at the age of about 6 or 7, packing my mother's white round American Touristor hard suitcase with a package of american cheese, by sitting in our apartment stairwell for an hour or so because my parents wouldn't let me stay longer.

If you look closely the top of the lamp no longer matches the bottom. Its design is pretty close for 60-70 years later but the glass is different, frosted not milky. The lamp reminds me of something different now. It was shipped to me from Pennsylvania and remained intact. It remained intact for about 1 1/2 years in our small condo. It survived our move across the river to our new home. But one day, during a simple little pillow fight, well you can guess it. My children broke the lamp. It was not done intentionally. They weren't even really fighting. They were fooling around in the living room as children do, they were laughing and joyous, they were middle school age, and a pillow went soaring across room, somebody ducked and the lamp crashed to the floor and it was unfixable. What I did to those children after that is unforgivable. I didn't beat them or anything. Did not cause physical pain but I screamed at them like I have never screamed before. I cried and swore. I was on my knees. I was inconsolable. I banished them to their rooms. I would not talk to them. The look on my son's face is one I will never forget. My daughter was upset, perhaps not as devastated by my reaction as my son because she was just that much older that disdain for me had entered her psyche. I'm not sure if I had glass in hand at that moment in time, I probably did, I usually did, but I was certainly in the throws of active alcoholism. I don't remember how much time passed, a few hours or a few days, I did apologize for my overreaction and explained why the lamp was important to me, or at least I think I did. I had grounded them, I don't remember for how long. I made them write me letters of apology. My son's was poignant. My daughter's less so. But they certainly learned their lesson. Though what that lesson was I'm not sure. I think the lesson they probably learned the most was that Mom loved the lamp more than she loved them. I can't forgive myself for that. I should not say can't though. I haven't. I hope to.

My selfish desire to have that pretty lamp and its memories overrode my love for them. I was dishonest when I let them believe that their normal childhood behavior was bad. I was self seeking when I wanted to feel better by acting out and making them feel bad. By making them jump through hoops to earn my love back. My fear, the real truth, was that I was not loved, by my parents or my children. That the lamp and everything it represented to me was gone. I owe my children an amends for this. This had nothing to do with the lamp or them. It was simply about an emptiness which was being filled by the lamp...when it could have been filled by a Higher Power. I am grateful it is now.

My Dad Would Have Been 70 today

Today would have been my Dad's 70th birthday. He was only 58 when Non Hodgkins Lymphoma took his life. I am very grateful that I was able to get to the hospital in time to have had some last meaningful words with him and stay at his bedside for the last week of his life. When he died, I felt like the safety net had been ripped from under me. But I think I was wrong about that. I miss him and am sad for how young he was...and how life dramatically changed for our family after he died. But at the same time I know that his presence in my life both before and after his death was a gift. And I am grateful to receive it. And now I'm not sure if I'm even talking about my Dad.

So, the Spirit moved me.....

While on a walk, which I was trying to do in silent meditation, the thought occurred to me how many of us are looking for relief. When I was three months sober, I had a reservation. I was going camping with my girlfriends. I had excused myself from our gatherings thus far because wine had always been a part of them, at least for me. But I didn't want to avoid our annual camping trip and thought that I was ready to engage without drinking and that if need be I could "come out" to them as an alcoholic. BUT...I knew one of them would be bringing pot and I thought maybe, just maybe, I would partake. That wouldn't be breaking my newfound resolve, would it? I didn't think about it much, it was just in the back of my mind. I didn't talk to anyone about it, least of all my sponser. It was just there. A way out. I was looking for a way out of sobriety. Sobriety seemed so BIG then. I was looking for relief. And that's what many of us are looking for...relief. Relief seeking missles.

I find my relief now in Steps 10, 11 & 12 on a daily basis.

I didn't smoke the pot. Thankfully, a Higher Power stepped in. My friend who brought the pot smoked it in secret because she didn't want to share that she smoked pot with another woman who had joined us. So I was by the fire with that woman and another, while the others snuck behind a tent to get high with no announcement. And the fact that I wasn't drinking came up in our campfire discussion and I shared my disease with them and they were very supportive. As I excused myself to use the restroom, I passed my other friends behind the tent. I didn't stop and my reservation was gone and when I got home I discussed it with my sponser who smiled knowingly. I had wanted relief from the bigness of staying sober...the rest of my life.

People seek relief through medications...or I should say..the misuse of medications. I could too. Percoset, Xanax, whatever....I could manufacture some pain very easily...and I have, when I was drinking. If they are, they are not in the same ballgame as I am. I seek my relief in Steps 10, 11 & 12. I was on antidepressants when I got sober and I am not opining on the use of antidepressants. I believe that there are people who legitamately need them, who are incapcitated without them. I wasn't one of them. I got on antidepressants when I was entering the incomprehensible demoralization of alcoholism. I didn't know it then. I heard recently someone talk about that invisible line that we cross from hard drinker into alcoholism. He said he was drunk when he crossed it. I think I was too. My life was simply unmanageable, I didn't know why, and when my primary care phycisian asked me how I was I burst into tears. She suggested antidepressants and I jumped. (Of course I was not honest with her about the amount I drank.) And they worked for a time..even naturally cut back on my drinking for a very short period of time. I thought they were the answers to all my problems. But alcoholic I am and my excessive drinking quickly resurfaced with a vengenance. When I stopped drinking, I was afraid to go off them. Afraid without them I would drink again...but amazingly...that didn't happen. I got my relief from Steps, 10, 11 & 12.

People seek relief through sex. I could too, and I'm not talking about with my husband...or yes, it could be even with my husband. If they are they are not in the same ballgame as I am. I seek my relief in Steps 10, 11 & 12. And on and on it could go, food, gambling, shopping, and more. These are no longer the things I rely on to provide relief. Is that always the case? Absolutely not. I am not a saint. And I forget. And then I find myself feeling frustrated, sad, angry, whatever. And if I take a rigorously honest look at myself, when those feelings arise, I can say I was NOT practicing Steps 10, 11 & 12.

That is why I can say I am grateful to be an alcoholic. Without suffering this disease, Steps 10, 11 & 12 never would have entered my life. My relief from day to day life, Life 101 if you will, would have come from all those outside sources and then some. Because I have this disease which I must treat on a daily basis, I have been given a design for living, through Steps 10, 11 & 12. Thank You.

Letting Go

Well its been a month since I last posted. It was sporadic before that. I think the time has come to let go of the blog. Not completely. It will still be here. Maybe in the future someone like me will spend their first day of sobriety searching the internet for help and stumble upon my story. So I will leave it up but I didn't want to leave without thanking all of you bloggers out there who inspired me, guided me, taught me, redirected me and last but not least made me laugh. Writing about myself and my thoughts has been instrumental in helping me get and stay sober. And reading your stories has as well. I won't be gone for long I am sure. I am writing now...and in other venues (most importantly being my fourth step again)...I know that I cannot leave that which I know is critical. I must be vigilant about expressing myself. It was that lack of self expression that was one of those underlying conditions we talk about. So vigilance. Life is good and full...thank you God.

and finally, Let's Stay Sober Out There....xo, Kathy Lynne

My Sister, Who's a Sister, But I Don't Call Her Sister

This is Sister Maurice (on the right) not with her sister but with her dear friend Sister Rose (who is not her sister but is a Sister). Got That? They've been friends for 50 years...amazing. The retreat at the Wilson House was very nice. Met some nice people. I loved Sister Maurice..she knows what she's talking about, she's clear, down to earth, she's very funny, she's kind, old school and reminds me of my grandmother but with a sense of humor. What evoked the most emotional response from me was her discussion on self worth and self esteem. Self esteem is our perception of self worth. Self worth never changes..it is given to us. We are a child of the universe, no less than the moon and the stars. I think this weekend revealed to me that I do not value my self worth. I have never in my life thought of myself as having low self esteem but since her discussion brought up a lot of emotion for me I think I need to look at that. I think perhaps I have been confusing humility with self esteem. Most of the time I honestly just don't think I'm worth it. But that's not being humble that's devaluing my self worth. The only way for me to reflect my self worth and improve my self esteem, I must continue to work on my relationship with my Higher Power. So as long as I'm working my Step 11 on a daily basis, I should be okay.

The other big takeaway for me was her note that peace at any price is not love and that we must break the silence. Silence signifies acceptance. That will be a tough one but she gave us some concrete tools to break the silence and to handle what's "pitched" at us. I haven't tried it yet but I have passed it on. I also really enjoyed hearing Sister Rose's story as a member of Al-Anon. Other than the few al anon blogs I read here, this was the first time I heard someone's story (who is not an alcoholic) and it gave me a much needed perspective on how my husband must have felt and maybe still feels. It'd be cool if he wanted or was willing to check out AlAnon but I don't see that happening in the near future but it certainly helped me. And it is all about me.

This weekend I go on another retreat of sorts. Camping with the girls. We'll go up north to a really nice lake and state campground. Kayak and Cook...really looking forward to it. It's supposed to be sunny and nice...the last hurrah of the summer. My friends are not alcoholic but they've been very supportive in my journey and though I'm sure they'll be drinkiing wine I'm sure they won't be drinking as much as I was when I was active.

Have a great weekend!

Great Joy

I am getting used to my empty nest. Truth be told I like it. But what I also really enjoy is hearing the neighborhood children play. My husband and I are surrounded by young families with lots of children. They play most frequently in my neighbor's yard. Our yards abutt each other, there are no fences or separation and we long ago told them not to worry about their young children being mindful of boundries. Our yard's just sitting there not getting much use...ball playing days are over....sigh...so the children frequently use our yard as second base, etc. To the point when my nephew was visiting and my son took him out to toss the ball, little Rosie asked my son to please go away, what was he doing in her yard. He explained that it was his yard..but we're not sure if she understood.

We have a huge, wild forsythia in the back..very overgrown...just enough so that the neighborhood boys have built a secret hideaway fort. I fondly remember playing in the woods across the street when we were growing up...my forsythia is as close to the woods as these kids are going to get. But nothing gives me greater joy that to overhear those boys plot and plan while I sit reading on my deck. Then to hear them called for supper......it gives me hope. Some things never change.

This is where I'll be this weekend. Another retreat at the Wilson House in Vermont. This time hosted by Sister Maurice. I've heard wonderful things about her so I'm looking forward to strengthening my spiritual practice. One thing I know is that I have no mental defense against the first drink. My defense is spiritual in nature and the more conscious contact I practice the better my chances are of staying sober.

I am going with my friend that I wrote about yesterday. I appreciate all of your comments. It helped to firm my resolve of what the right thing to do or not do was. This trip was not meant to be...but my husband and I will enjoy a different trip in the spring. And as far as the money goes, its out of my hands. If I get it back I will be very grateful but if I don't I will chalk it up to experience and a lesson learned. I could never accept the money from my friend. And just to clarify, she didn't lure me into this trip under false pretenses. She was where she was and I knew where she was. So I went into this with full knowledge and understanding. My post yesterday was more about where I sometimes go in my head and how grateful I am that I don't have to stay there anymore. I'll let y'all know if and when the money comes back. I did receive an email that he was "almost positive" they'd found replacements for us. It's the "almost" that gets me. Keeps me in limbo which is where I was yesterday. Today I am not in limbo.

Lastly, I leave you with my favorite image from 9/11/01. It symbolizes the devastation of that day as well as the hope. The incredible loss of innocent victims. The bravery and service of our firefighters, the passengers of Flight 93, and our country as a whole. To quote Charles Dickens..It was the best of times, It was the worst of times.

Taking a Trip, Not Taking a Trip

So I've got this dilemma. And I just now looked at my part in it and I feel much better. A friend was planning to join her boyfriend on a trip to Ireland/London in October. She had concerns because the theme of the trip was pub hopping. In our conversation about the trip, I said wouldn't it be fun if my husband and I went. She and I could veer off the pub parts of the trip to do meetings/siteseeing and my husband would have enjoyed having a friend to explore pubs with. Not to mention finally getting overseas and seeing the world. I loved how the trip was planned and I didn't have to do anything but pay my money and pack my suitcase. Easy. Well, not so easy after all. My friend and her partner broke up after 10 years. It had been coming on her part for a long time and she finally was able to make the decision. That's what sobriety will do to you not to mention meeting someone else. Make you stronger.

So now the allure of the trip is tainted. We don't know anyone else going except for the jilted lover. She's definately not going. He's devastated and we don't really know him either. Going now would be very uncomfortable. And my husband was never fully on board in the first place. He has a fear of flying (well not flying exactly but he's claustrophobic). We talked it over and felt that for this kind of money and this kind of trip, we don't want to be uncomfortable and would prefer waiting until the spring when our daughter studies abroad in Germany. We could incorporate a visit with her with our desire to travel. But we've got a $1,200 deposit into this. Supposedly there were people on a waiting list but we still haven't got our money back. I'm a few emails into it...the possilbility of getting it back hasn't been ruled out so I'm hoping and praying. Trying to think positive. I'm trying not to focus on the money but its hard. If we don't get it back a trip in the spring may be impossible. And if we aren't going to get it back should we go anyway? We'd have to come up with even more money to take a trip we don't want to take. Maybe we should just make the best of it.

When my friend first made this decision, she said she'd cover our losses if it came to that. I told her not to let our participation in the trip affect her decision, we'd cross that bridge when we came to it and I meant it. Seemed like the right thing to do. Now that the decision has been made, I want my money back wherever it comes from. I'm an innocent bystander. Collateral damage. Is it fair for me to want my friend to cover this if we don't get our deposit back? It was her decision after all and she encouraged me to do this trip. And now that we're at the bridge there is no mention of it. Well, last night she said she'd sell a kidney to get my money back to me. I don't want that. It's a wait and see moment and its hard to wait. But I'm doing my best to do the right thing.

My part..I acted impulsively. I knew this relationship was on shaky ground but my desire to go on a trip with my friend (and not my husband alone) outweighed the concerns. My excitement at doing something I've wanted to do for awhile combined with the possibility of meeting some online friends totally overrode reason. I steamrolled my husband into taking this trip when he was ambivalent. I knew the relationship was on shaky ground. It's like putting your money into a failing bank. That's what I did. I have to keep my focus on my part and not the part of others. Their motives and behaviors have nothing to do with me. So when the fear crops up, the resentment creeps on the sidelines...she should have, he could...if it were me, I would....I've got to stay where I am. I did and now what.