Friday, June 27, 2014

I'm Still Here!

I cannot believe almost 4 years has passed since my last blog post.  Blogging, writing served me well in my first 3 years of sobriety and it was hard to leave it but I did for a variety of reasons.   I left my blog up in the event some newcomer, like I was 7 years ago might find it and find some help.  I have come back on occasion to vist some of the bloggers who were so helpful and inspiring to me and for whom I am so grateful.  I have reread my own posts, usually around anniversary time or when I am asked to speak to keep what it was like and what happened fresh.  So many positive changes have occurred since then and but one thing has not changed, I am still sober.

 Let's see, I was wrting my fourth step which was one of the reasons I stopped bloggiing.  Now I've been through that process and continue to practice Steps 10, 11 and 12 daily and continue the process of amends.  Some of my amends involve writing and that is one of the reasons I am back to the blog.  My therapist, who is in recovery herself, ALWAYS reccomends wrting, letters, thought logs, schedules and more..hell, I suggest those same things, yet I've been stuck and I think getting back to the blog platform will help with my own resistance, lossen things up so to speak.  In the last month or so I've had this weepy  emotional feeling.  I mentioned it last month to my therapist and without a hesitation she asked..what's the anniversary.  Well, it was just before my 7th.  So, like muscle memory, those feelings of desparation that led to surrender were being recalled along with the cumulative feelings of loss surrounding loved ones.  And of course whenever we discuss loss, we talk about letter writing, The Five Things from the wonderful book Grieving Mindfully..I'm sorry, I forgive you, thank you, I love you, Good-bye.  I feel somewhat sponsorless as my sponsor who helped me with my last 4th step and I parted ways, her journey took her in a direction that I was not willing to follow.  I went back to my first sponsor but truly she is more of a friend than sponsor so I guess I am utilizing my therapist as an unofficial sponsor at this point.  I love talking to her about living a life in recovery.

What else in 4 years..I enrolled and completed the certificate program for Alcohol and Drug Counseling, left my 12 year career as a paralegal in 2012 and am on my third job since October in the substance abuse field.  I love it.  I am home.  This week I became a Licensed Alcohol and Drug Counselor in my state.  The challenge has been keeping my own recovery separate from that of my clients.  My current job is working with 2nd DUI offenders so its a little easier to do that now because most of it involves planting seeds for those who do not recognize a problem and encouragement for those who do.  In a moment of synchronicity, my application for licensure was accepted this week which was the same week I first made the decision to move forward in this field  Crazy when that happens!  And my therapist as another woman in recovery  really helps me keep things in perspective.  My meeting life has changed.  but I attend at least 1-2 a week.  That keeps me a part of.  But that part of can sometimes be really uncomfortable for me because another thing I have discovered is that I am truly an introvert and always was.  So while I enjoy people, I don't always enjoy socializing and I sometimes struggle with that.  Understanding that has helped me so much in being able to say no to certain social activities and distinguishing the difference between what I think I should be doing and what I actually want to do.  I don't have to accept every invitation. I think that's why blogging was so helpful to me as it allowed me to engage in meaningful conversation and reflection socially without the socializing. Does that make sense?  It's not that I'm not a fun person, I am and people seem to enjoy my company but sometimes I just prefer quietness.  

Because 40 hours of my week involve helping others with their issues surrounding substance use I am not actively involved in sponsorship.  I keep my 12th step work at the meeting level but that's a topic for another blog post as its one I've struggled with the shoulds.  I have one sponsee from before I started working.  I had to let another go which was difficult since I had known her since my first year, but I felt was no longer helping her and in fact was more enabling her.  She did not take it well.  Again a post for another day.  I contnue to practice Centering Prayer as meditation but contiue to explore other mindful practices more along a Budhism path.  I am comfortable in the unknowing and really enjoy integrating it all into one.  I had to give up my meditaion meeting 2 years ago when my work schedule changed but thankfully the meeting was not dependent on my participation and continues and I am now able to go back to it.  I really loved meditation in a group setting and especially with a group that has the same primary purpose.

My daughter remains in Germany and is now teaching English in a private preschool.  My son graduated college and lives in DC with a great job and girlfriend.  My nest is truly empty.  I am still married and though we seem to be on different paths we are making it work.  There is more, there is so much more but this is my post for today.  I have spent more time on it than I anticipated and I am not sure how much blogging I will be doing but it feels good to be writing.  Whether I keep it here or take it private I'm not sure but for now, this feels good.  May you be free from danger, may you be happy , may you be healthy, may you be free from harm.  xo

1 comment:

Syd said...

Glad to read you again and catch up. Congratulations on 8 years. And on your job and all the good things going on in your life.