Wednesday, June 16, 2010

Running Dialogue

Last night I got my medallion from my women's group. And my sponser said some wonderful things about me which choked me up. I was thinking about how uncomfortable I get when people say nice things about me or praise my work in recovery, tell others I walk the talk, share what wonderful things I do, how quickly I seemed to "get it" and on and on. I heard someone say in a meeting once that his problem was comparing his insides to other people's outsides. And I heard a woman speak this morning about the real recovery are the bits and pieces inside that noone but God sees. Your innermost self as the Big Book describes. "We had to concede to our innermost self that we were alcoholic." I "forgot" to let my morning group know in advance that it was my anniversary. But I think the real truth is that I didn't want to hear all the congratulations because I didn't want to hear the running dialogue inside my head:
They don't really know you if they did they would never say this
Guess you pulled one over on them
You don't deserve this
It's not true, It's a lie
You are Bad, don't believe them

and on and on......the "twisted thinking"....and as I do the work on my fourth step I am uncovering the real truth in my fears...fear that I am unworthy, less than, unaccepted, unloved. And all the evidence to the contrary as evidenced by these wonderful people in my life is not enough to conquer the running dialogue. I will still beat myself up.

And on the flip side....the balancing a not to believe for a second that I..the big ME...has anything to do with anything. Pride is just another word for fear. If these good things are true, real...its because of a Higher Power in the job is to connect. And I am so grateful to AA for showing me how through the twelve steps. I pray that someday the inner dialogue will go away. I am convinced that it will because the obsession to drink went away as promised. The physical and mental aspect of my disease is gone, erased..I am neutral about alcohol. And though that's no small thing..erasing this inner dialogue is where the rubber meets the road. Its the solution to the spiritual malady from which I suffered and continue to suffer. I only want one channel.....that of peace. I know it is possible because our book tells us it is...and because I experience glimpses of it...but I also know it is an ideal..and that I may never reach it but as long as I "patiently strive" towards that ideal I am closer, and better, and that is evidenced in my own life because I can write this about the inner dialogue and speak to it and not keep it a big, dark secret.

A man from our morning group celebrated his year anniversary today and he shared that a year ago he had tried to commit suicide, that he had planned for it and he had been excited about his plan. I identified with that..not with the suicide part..that's not part of my story..but the fact that he thought he had found a solution to his problems and he was exicited for it. How wonderful that he did not suceed in HIS solution and that he found the REAL Solution. That is something to be excited for and I am. xo


An Irish Friend of Bill said...

great post. always interesting to hear what you have to say.

well you're not responsible for what comes into your head, but you are responsible for how you deal with it.
We are never cured of our irrational thinking. The mind and the thoughts that accompany it are nothing more than an endless random stream of consciousness, which is only occasionally useful.
so I would say this tendency towards habitually negative thinking, is merely a habit and will never be cured as such, but can be very effectively managed, provided one is willing to pay attention, and to honestly question the thought that come into your mind, whether your 3 years sober or 30 years sober.

the people who have a peaceful demeanor constantly, are not the people who have lily white minds, they are the people who have developed sufficient compassion for all mental states. so yes it is possible to have a peaceful demeanor, but in order to get that you have to stop contending against unpleasant or negative mind states. when you accept them that's when you are able to be peaceful. until then you are completely at the mercy of whatever random thoughts that pop into your mind.

compassion if the cure for most things in the end. that and paying attention, and questioning everything.

anyway I have got lots of study to do and I am procrastinating by writing this comment, so I had to get back to work :)

Carol said...

Thanks for your comments on my blog.

Patty said...

Congratulations Kathy! So nice to read a post written by you this morning!

Mary Christine said...

Happy Birthday!

They told me that celebrating my AA anniversaries wasn't for me, it was for the people at the meeting, and that helped me get over the whole "self" thing about it.

Syd said...

Kathy, I think that I have and still do suffer the same thoughts of not being good enough or deserving. But they crowd my mind much less these days. I have learned that those negative voices come from many years ago--from childhood--and don't have to be believed now. Because there are many good things that have occurred over the years. I don't have to believe those old voices that whisper rejection. Great post about the solution.

IV League Grad said...

Congratulations! Glad to see you are stil doing the deal, Kathy. Remember me? It's Scout. I'm thinking about getting going in the blogging world again.