The past has been swirling around me of late. We spent the weekend celebrating the impending marriage of an old friend of my husband's. I knew these guys when I met my husband when we were in our twenties. I did a lot of damage then. There were many remember whens this weekend and all I could say was that is why I don't drink anymore. Another example of why I shouldn't drink. and on and on. We went on a ride and stopped at this bar...its not really the type of place I ever hung out unless I was already drunk. It was really sad. It was a beautiful Sunday afternoon and we were in this dirty smelly bar with bras and other paraphenalia hanging from the ceiling. And there was a woman there that just so reminded me of myself. The life of the party. With a shot in one hand and a cigarette in another. Looking for love in all the wrong places. I was overwhelmed with gratitude that this is not my life. And grateful that I didn't have to opine on it to our friend who's life it is. I could just stand in my sobriety and drink my seltzer water quietly. But I won't be doing that again. I'll skip the next ride.
I always say that I was in denial about my alcoholism. That because certain things did not happen to me I was able to justify my drinking. As long as I wasn't "there" I must not be an alcoholic. But that isn't the real truth. The real truth is that for at least the last 10 years of my drinking I HAD conceded to my innermost self that I was an alcoholic. I knew it. That's why I lurked around AA websites and online groups. The trouble was I drowned that concession in alcohol and I was completely unwilling to concede it to YOU. Because that might mean I'd have to do something about it. My pride, my ego, my self will made it more important to prove that life was manageable WITH alcohol. I am so grateful that on that first day of sobriety something changed that had nothing to do with me. And that after 2 weeks of bouncing my head against MY way yet again, willingness arrived to make the concession to YOU and go to AA.
I am giving it ALL to God today. Or at least trying to. An old flame has contacted me on facebook. It has me a little freaked. I suppose I could have ignored his friend request but that didn't seem right. It was a relationship that was soaked in alcohol. We were very young. I was hurt and I owe him an amends. Which was my other reaction...oh shit now I know where he is when its time to do that. Maybe now is the time. And of course there is always the thought of what if.....and I cannot go there. So as my sponser says, I don't have to go anywhere. Just stay in today's moment...I don't know why this has happened and nor should I try to explain it or control it. It just is. So I shall allow the universe to flow as it should. I had just written about this guy in my fourth step when BAM! We will be amazed before we are halfway through......
The Delicate Equilibrium
1 week ago