Wednesday, July 21, 2010

No Doors Shut....

The past has been swirling around me of late. We spent the weekend celebrating the impending marriage of an old friend of my husband's. I knew these guys when I met my husband when we were in our twenties. I did a lot of damage then. There were many remember whens this weekend and all I could say was that is why I don't drink anymore. Another example of why I shouldn't drink. and on and on. We went on a ride and stopped at this bar...its not really the type of place I ever hung out unless I was already drunk. It was really sad. It was a beautiful Sunday afternoon and we were in this dirty smelly bar with bras and other paraphenalia hanging from the ceiling. And there was a woman there that just so reminded me of myself. The life of the party. With a shot in one hand and a cigarette in another. Looking for love in all the wrong places. I was overwhelmed with gratitude that this is not my life. And grateful that I didn't have to opine on it to our friend who's life it is. I could just stand in my sobriety and drink my seltzer water quietly. But I won't be doing that again. I'll skip the next ride.

I always say that I was in denial about my alcoholism. That because certain things did not happen to me I was able to justify my drinking. As long as I wasn't "there" I must not be an alcoholic. But that isn't the real truth. The real truth is that for at least the last 10 years of my drinking I HAD conceded to my innermost self that I was an alcoholic. I knew it. That's why I lurked around AA websites and online groups. The trouble was I drowned that concession in alcohol and I was completely unwilling to concede it to YOU. Because that might mean I'd have to do something about it. My pride, my ego, my self will made it more important to prove that life was manageable WITH alcohol. I am so grateful that on that first day of sobriety something changed that had nothing to do with me. And that after 2 weeks of bouncing my head against MY way yet again, willingness arrived to make the concession to YOU and go to AA.

I am giving it ALL to God today. Or at least trying to. An old flame has contacted me on facebook. It has me a little freaked. I suppose I could have ignored his friend request but that didn't seem right. It was a relationship that was soaked in alcohol. We were very young. I was hurt and I owe him an amends. Which was my other reaction...oh shit now I know where he is when its time to do that. Maybe now is the time. And of course there is always the thought of what if.....and I cannot go there. So as my sponser says, I don't have to go anywhere. Just stay in today's moment...I don't know why this has happened and nor should I try to explain it or control it. It just is. So I shall allow the universe to flow as it should. I had just written about this guy in my fourth step when BAM! We will be amazed before we are halfway through......

6 comments:

An Irish Friend of Bill said...

! yes the old flames can make you feel 'thrown'. they are unsettling, and it can seem like they have power over you.
if its any consolation, LOADS of ppl unwitting gravitate toward liasons with 'old flames' on fb, and generally it all goes a bit pear shaped, as we say over here :)
But what I mean is, that the guys who are trailing around fb looking for former flames, usually know EXACTLY what they are doing :) They are capitalizing on the fb totty. Really easy for them. They get to re-live their youth and recapture being perceived as they once (!) were, instead of how they are (!) NOW. Basically they have to do a LOT less work to chase women than would ordinarily be the case. Like shooting fish in a barrel :) They can be remarkably patient as well, when they think there is the !!!!!! tiniest possibility that they ? might get lucky in years to come. amazing really.
So yeah. take it with a pinch of salt. Yeh he probably is an opportunist under the pretense of friendship, but hey. Thats what a lot of ppl are doing nowadays, so who can blame him for trying his luck. Its commonplace.
So don't be too bothered by this guys advances. They nearly always make a move eventually. Whateva. Gawd knows how many other former girlfriends he has been chasing on fb. Oh well. Par for the course nowadays.
Oh well. I suppose its flattering to be adored :)
Personally I have a very jaded attitude to old flames as they all (!!!!!) basically seem to be angling to get laid at some point. which is fair enough, if you are available for that sort of thing, but I get fed up telling people 'no thank you' so I just ignore them. I can't be bothered with having to deal with them making a move. its awkward. so i avoid it at the pass, by not meeting them in the first place :) It annoys me that shagging old flames on fb has become the norm because it makes me the exception to the rule, and it means that 99.99% of men on fb have become accustomed to the notion that they will get lucky on fb if they play their cards right. whatever. its just the way society is headed i suppose. my capacity for deluded nostalgia is waaaay to strong for me to feel comfortable being friends with old flames. it doesnt sit well with me, nor to feel I have integrity to my present commitments when I spend time with old flames. But thats how I feel. Others might feel different? I don't know. But I don't feel right about it. Glad you have your sponsor there and you girls are chatting about this :) Thank god we don't have to try and figure out how to 'do' life on our own. Thank !!! god for that!! Phew!
I'm sure you will be fine :) But i know exactly how the past can hijack you a little if you hang around too long. I prefer the present. Much better :)

An Irish Friend of Bill said...

! yes the old flames can make you feel 'thrown'. they are unsettling, and it can seem like they have power over you.
if its any consolation, LOADS of ppl unwitting gravitate toward liasons with 'old flames' on fb, and generally it all goes a bit pear shaped, as we say over here :)
But what I mean is, that the guys who are trailing around fb looking for former flames, usually know EXACTLY what they are doing :) They are capitalizing on the fb totty. Really easy for them. They get to re-live their youth and recapture being perceived as they once (!) were, instead of how they are (!) NOW. Basically they have to do a LOT less work to chase women than would ordinarily be the case. Like shooting fish in a barrel :) They can be remarkably patient as well, when they think there is the !!!!!! tiniest possibility that they ? might get lucky in years to come. amazing really.
So yeah. take it with a pinch of salt. Yeh he probably is an opportunist under the pretense of friendship, but hey. Thats what a lot of ppl are doing nowadays, so who can blame him for trying his luck. Its commonplace.
So don't be too bothered by this guys advances. They nearly always make a move eventually. Whateva. Gawd knows how many other former girlfriends he has been chasing on fb. Oh well. Par for the course nowadays.
Oh well. I suppose its flattering to be adored :)
Personally I have a very jaded attitude to old flames as they all (!!!!!) basically seem to be angling to get laid at some point. which is fair enough, if you are available for that sort of thing, but I get fed up telling people 'no thank you' so I just ignore them. I can't be bothered with having to deal with them making a move. its awkward. so i avoid it at the pass, by not meeting them in the first place :) It annoys me that shagging old flames on fb has become the norm because it makes me the exception to the rule, and it means that 99.99% of men on fb have become accustomed to the notion that they will get lucky on fb if they play their cards right. whatever. its just the way society is headed i suppose. my capacity for deluded nostalgia is waaaay to strong for me to feel comfortable being friends with old flames. it doesnt sit well with me, nor to feel I have integrity to my present commitments when I spend time with old flames. But thats how I feel. Others might feel different? I don't know. But I don't feel right about it. Glad you have your sponsor there and you girls are chatting about this :) Thank god we don't have to try and figure out how to 'do' life on our own. Thank !!! god for that!! Phew!
I'm sure you will be fine :) But i know exactly how the past can hijack you a little if you hang around too long. I prefer the present. Much better :)

Kathy Lynne said...

I appreciate the "right sizing" Irish Friend...xo

Syd said...

The way things were yesterday aren't the way they are today. I am really grateful for that. I don't romanticize those days at all. I wasn't a drunk but I was a mess nonetheless. Time has moved on, and I am really grateful for my life today.

steveroni said...

WOW! IRISH FRIEND sure nailed THAT one down for you, me, and anyone out there/here trying to move back the clock.

Kathy Lynne, you are in good hands, when you listen to that sponsor...and when you listen to Peeps like Irish.

After hearing some bad "Face Book" stories at the AA International Convention, I cam home and immediately began the process of deleting my account on FB. It is not easy, and will be done in about another week. Face Book just does not want to LET GO!

PEACE--It IS simple, but not easy!

Patty said...

No doubt! Amazing how that stuff happens. I waited until recently to get on FB for that very reason, I am willing to face anything from my past that may surface as a result. Keep it Simple! Great Post Kathy Lynne, and I am glad you are posting again, I missed you!