Tuesday, April 29, 2008

Therapy Day

Tuesday is my busy day. I start with a meeting. Then work...then I get about an hour or 2 break...then therapy....then I meet with my sponser....then I go to a Step Meeting....then sometimes tea afterwards if I can still talk...It is alot of talking. Today, if it stops raining I'll need to fit my son's lacrosse game in there. I'm usually pretty drained depending on the day. Today I want to talk about doing my amends list with my sponser. It's in my head but I haven't written anything down yet. But its time. Now what to talk about with my therapist is another story. She's one of those, she sits there and waits for me. I guess I should talk about the stuff with my mother that came up this week...I have somewhat but I'm not sure I have to the extent I wrote about. She is a recovered alcholic as well so she gets it. And its wonderful to have her. I'm supposed to be writing letters but I haven't. I wrote one to my Dad and I'm supposed to have him write back to me. It's hanging over my head...so it probably means something that she's writing in her notes.....she says not to worry about it....just do it when I'm ready to hear what he has to say...The hard thing is I don't know whether to write as he was as I grew up or what he became as he lay dying. When he revealed more to me about himself in those last moments than he had in his whole life. Or do I write from the perspective of what he may have been thinking as the incidents I wrote to him about occurred. I guess the answers will come. Don't think I can wait until my house is in order though, I think this is part of what gets my house in order. My therapist says I should write from who I need to hear from. So...maybe I can do this in my time between work and therapy...we'll see. Its one of those things I am procrastinating on. Maybe its not quite procrastination....maybe its more like trepidation.

Well on with the day....have a good one!

Saturday, April 26, 2008


I just came back from my morning meeting. As we went around the room, I was feeling really positive...grateful for the things that sobriety can bring to us that I was hearing in the meeting. It can be as simple as babysitting a grandchild to something big like traveling to New Orleans to assist victims of Hurricane Katrina.

And then one man shared about what he was struggling with, his active ex wife. It brought up a lot of stuff I went through with my Mom in the first 5 years after my Dad's death. I can remember her coming to visit in the summers. She'd rent a beach house a few miles from my home and we would essentially live there. My brother's family would come up and we would have some really nice days on the beach with our kids. That was what it was supposed to be. Instead there was a lot of time worrying about my mother. It was then that her drinking was no longer something that we could deny. Yet we managed to do that. We managed to ignore it and let it happen so that we could enjoy our vacation. She was drinking in the morning and all day and all night until she passed out. Thing was so were we....well we waited until at least lunch.. but sometimes lunch started at 11. She was falling alot. I remember she fell down or up the stairs that second year. I didn't see her fall but the aftermath was horrible. She was terribly bruised and swollen along her whole right side. I wanted to take her to the ER and she refused to go. Then I was angry that she wouldn't go. Wouldn't take care of herself. She was coming home from grocery shopping which means she was driving drunk. Of course she was. Years later I found out that she had broken a few ribs because the doctors saw the broken bones in a chest xray they took to see her pneumonia. I can see now that this was the beginning of the end for her. She usually went to bed really early, to drink in private and to pass out. She'd get up to go to the bathroom, sometimes in her underwear, something grandmas just don't do, and sometimes falling onto her hands and knees in the hallway. Steadying herself to get up. I clearly remember myself, my brother and my sisiter in law watching her do this and doing nothing. Saying nothing. Just exchanging glances. We'd talk about it amongst ourselves but it was just too hard to deal with. We never figured it out. She'd wander in the middle of the night not knowing where she was. I know because I was usually up drinking myself. There's more but these are the incidents that kept flashing in my head as this man was speaking this morning. I did try to confront her once or twice, talk to her but that's hard to do when you've got a glass of wine or a beer in your hand. She told me I didn't understand. And I didn't. She had fallen into this deep abyss and couldn't climb out. Didn't want to climb out. And refused the hands that tried to reach for her. As the years passed she stopped having us for holidays and stuff. She would come here but it was getting increasingly difficult to get her here. And when she was, she drank the whole time. She tried really hard to cover it up, cover up how she could barely walk, how she was physically wasting away. She'd have us take her back to the hotel right after dinner I presume so she could drink without being watched. She refused to stay in my home. That last Thanksgiving, she said she had fallen over a vacum and hurt her back. That was why she couldnt' walk when what I know now was she was experiencing symptoms of Wernike's Encephalathy. She barely ate but I remember she wanted to take some leftovers home and I forgot to pack them. 2 months later, on New Year's day I found her severely malnourished and the only thing in the fridge was a bit of chicken from Boston Market with a Dec. 4th date on it. I've had a hard time with that. She couldn't go out for food. Yet she did manage to get boxes of wine as they were all over the house, empty. There was one in her car still full. She had binged through the holiday, knocked the phone off the hook. That was how we found her because we kept getting a busy signal and finally went to check on her.

I don't know where I am going with this. At the meeting, I felt a welling of grief and was going to pass but the guy next to me was sharing how grateful he was to have the meeting to share his stuff, that others wouldn't understand. But I couldn't share....I tried and it just came out as tears. I was just able to say that stuff had been brought up for me by the other share....and that I was grateful to be sober. Then I wept through the rest of the meeting. It was very nice to get some hugs after the meeting. One of my buddies got her 10 month chip so I was able to get out of myself to feel good for her. I was able to talk to another girl about some of her issues which helped too. Clean my side of the street with her. That's another story. And I am grateful for this forum where I can write about this experience and work through it. I will call my sponser this afternoon and I think I will go to the 9:30 meeting. I don't feel like drinking but I don't feel good. I'm not sure what I feel. But I know that I can't just stuff it and that is progress. And I am very grateful because I can see that my mother's low bottom became my high bottom. I could no longer drink without seeing the consequences right before my eyes even if I was not there YET. I was certainly heading in that direction. There but for the Grace of God go I.

Thursday, April 24, 2008

College Visits

We had a nice day yesterday. Took my son to visit 2 schools in Boston and then visited my daughter who also gave him a mini tour. I had a long talk with my therapist about my son this week. He never talks to me and in his eyes I am usually intruding and/or stupid. Embarassing him. We talked about the kind of year he has had and the fact that he's probably pretty angry. Not to mention the underlying feelings having a drunk Mom can bring. I need to give him space. He will come around. Developmentally he is where he should be and I can only pray that my actions today will help him deal with my actions of yesterday. I think the day of college visits helped. I tried really hard to give him the independence to listen and observe and I tried not to be pushy. Asking him questions about what he liked or disliked. He doesn't like that. And this is just the beginning of the process. Did get him to smile and share a few times which is good. Like I said to him, I work my ass off to get one of those smiles. Usually I just annoy him but every now and then I get a smile and its all worth it. I think he understood. My husband and I managed to get along very well with the exception of him getting ticked off about missing a turn. But I managed to stay calm throughout. Huge progress.

Wednesday, April 23, 2008

Tuesday, April 22, 2008

Lately, more than once or twice, people have been asking me if I'm okay. Telling me I look sad. I don't feel sad. I feel content most of the time. I'm not having too much trouble with the non smoking thing thanks to the patch. I haven't even been napping. Maybe that's the problem. So I'm not sure why my outside is not matching my inside. But I'm not going to walk around with a silly smile on my face all the time. Maybe that's it, the difference between happiness and contentment and perhaps people are noticing the transition. I think I just did. I have been so happy to be sober maybe because I am so suprised that I have gotten this far and that I like it. Life is so much better. One woman said to me last week that I was the most enthusiatic newcomer she had ever met. Maybe that enthusiasm has just settled into acceptance.

I can live with that.

Friday, April 18, 2008

Going Smober

So I was a nonsmoker. I quit originally in 1985 and then restarted in 1991 after I had my son. It was all part of the drinking and smoking after work thing. I started and stopped quite a bit after that. And never smoked in front of my kids. I will never forget the Christmas when my son caught me smoking on the porch. He was devasted and ran to his bedroom. He was about 8. He was crying and said that I was going to die. I promised him that I would quit smoking. I didn't though I tried. I had planned to quit again on New Years Day of 2003 but that was the day everything happened with my Mom so I started smoking her cigarettes. I quit again that summer and stayed quit. Of course I must add that when I quit my drinking escalated dramatically even though one of the things I think about is that my mother's "low" bottom became my "high" bottom. In the 4 1/2 years I drank after that, I could no longer do so without thinking of the consequences. Anyway, I stayed quit quite successfully but sometime a few months ago, I tried again. I don't know what exactly I was looking for...relief I suppose. I bought a pack, smoked one and threw it away, bought another, smoked 2 and gave it away, then bought another and I'm just too cheap, I kept it and smoked it. I talked to my sponser and therapist about it. And they said better that than drinking and that I must be covering for something. And I've been smoking ever since. In a very sneaky way. I am not a social smoker. I hide, then I use hand sanitizer if I can't wash my hands, then gum, then spray wild musk. I think I'm hiding the smell. Yeah, right. Anyway, I don't want to smoke and I'm started to feel effects like chest congestion and cough. I don't feel like I NEED it but now I'm addicted, so I've got the patch on (can't have any discomfort you know), gratefully at Step 2 since I never smoked alot, how could I with all that ritual, and its DAY 2. Wish me luck.....and I guess I'm just going to incorporate staying away from a cigarette to the staying away from a drink work. Addiciton, it sucks!

On a more positive note: 40 Tips for A Better Life
1. Take a 10-30 minute walk every day. And while you walk, smile. It is the ultimate anti-depressant.
2. Sit in silence for at least 10 minutes each day. Buy a lock if you have to.
3. Buy a DVR. Tape your late night shows and get more sleep.
4. When you wake up in the morning complete the following statement, 'My purpose is to __________ today.'
5. Live with the 3 E's -- Energy, Enthusiasm, and Empathy.
6. Play more games and read more books than you did in 2007.
7. Make time to practice meditation, yoga or stretching, and prayer. They provide us with daily fuel for our busy lives.

8. Spend more time with people over the age of 70 and under the age of 6.
9. Dream more while you are awake.
10. Eat more foods that grow on trees and plants and eat less food that is manufactured in plants.

11. Drink green tea and plenty of water. Eat blueberries, wild Alaskan salmon, broccoli, almonds & walnuts.
12. Try to make at least three people smile each day.
13. Clear clutter from your house, your car, your desk and let new and flowing energy into your life.
14. Don't waste your precious energy on gossip, energy vampires, issues of the past, negative thoughts or things you cannot control. Instead invest your energy in the positive present moment.
15. Realize that life is a school and you are here to learn. Problems are simply part of the curriculum that appear and fade away like algebra class but the lessons you learn will last a lifetime.
16. Eat breakfast like a king, lunch like a prince and dinner like a college kid with a maxed out charge card.
17. Try & pay an honest compliment to someone you wouldn't normally.
18. Life isn't fair, but it's still good.
19. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone.
20. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.
21. You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.

22. Make peace with your past so it won't spoil the present.
23. Don't compare your life to others'. You have no idea what their journey is all about.
24. No one is in charge of your happiness except you.
25. Frame every so-called disaster with these words: 'In five years, will this matter?'
26. Forgive everyone for everything.
27. What other people think of you is none of your business.

28. Nothing was here, I'm just cutting and pasting! Take a nap!
29. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.
30. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends will. Stay in touch.
31. Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful or joyful.
32. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.
33. The best is yet to come.
34. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.
35. Do the right thing!
36. Call your family often.
37. Each night before you go to bed complete the following statements: I am thankful for __________. Today I accomplished _________.
38. Remember that you are too blessed to be stressed.
39. Enjoy the ride. Remember this is not Disney World and you certainly don't want a fast pass. You only have one ride through life so make the most of it and enjoy the ride.
40. Share this with your friends.
May your troubles be less, May your blessings be more,
May nothing but happiness come through your door!

Saturday, April 12, 2008


Procrastination is a five sylable word for sloth. I remember reading that in the 12 x 12 and making a connection. I have a dining room table that is covered with papers. I've got to balance my checkbook, balance my mother's checkbook and pay her bills, file my taxes as well as my daughter and son's, put my mother's stuff together to give to the accountant for her taxes (which I'm sure they will not be happy about that I will hand to them one day before the deadline), file for financial aid which I can't do until I do my taxes (and I have until May 1 to do that but please God make me do it this weekend!) and I'm sure there is more stuff on that table. I can't say sloth necessarily has put me in this position to having to do it all this weekend because I've been busy......avoiding the dining room table. I'm sure I'm not alone in this as it is the last weekend before the big April 15th date. My husband just walked in as I was typing this and asked if I was working on the table....I had to tell him that I was writing about the table, LOL, but as soon as I'm done I'll work on the table and now he is laughing because I took a picture of the table. He is going to help this year though its tough because we just have the one computer so we can't both do it at the same time. But a step in the right direction is that I am allowing him to help. In the past I much preferred to play the martyr and do it all myself. And then complain and stomp my feet about it. And then drink.
So I guess I'll stop writing about it and as tempted as I am I won't write about all the things I did to avoid the table. They were productive, helpful to my sobriety, helpful to others sobriety and more. But even more helpful to my sobriety will be clearing off that table!!
xo....BTW 10 MONTHS YESTERDAY!! but I'll keep coming because I think it is fairly obvious that I need to.

Friday, April 11, 2008

I Did It!

I booked the trip! I am really excited but now that it is done I'm going to try not to think about it anymore and just stay in the present moment. One of the women who went on the centering retreat is coming and possibly another. I talked to my husband and he was a bit like, "it's a little wierd that you want to do this without me". I explained that I would love it if he would come but for it to truly be a gift to me he would need to particpate in the conference and learn about Centering Prayer and the Twelve Steps. If he didn't then it wouldn't be the experience that I am looking for. It would be tough for me if he was there mocking me and asking me when the next "coven" was getting together. I know he is kidding because he just doesn't get it. I told him it was okay if he wasn't where I was spiritually and that it would mean a lot if he was willing to give me this gift. And he seems to be okay. It's nice that we can accept each other for where we are not where we want each other to be. It was great to have a real conversation as opposed to a confrontational one with me stomping my feet and demanding to get what I want. Our relationship is improving and that is because of the program of Alcoholics Annonymous.

Very exicited!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Wednesday, April 9, 2008

Thank You

Thanks for all the wonderful comments telling me to go for it. I got a similar response from my sponser and others. I guess that is what I was looking for. Affirmation. I don't know why I always feel like I don't deserve stuff. I'm getting better at that. My therapist says it comes from my childhood most likely. Not too much praise, lots of punishment. Now that I'm writing this I can't remember exactly what she said but I remember when she said it I said, oh yeah, that makes sense. I feel like for most of my life I have settled. Settled for jobs, relationships, behaviors, for less. If you always feel like you've done something wrong, then it follows that you would feel you don't deserve the good stuff. I struggle with that. Putting others needs before my own. Sublimating my own desires and dreams because I think they are too good for me or unatainable because I am not worthy. It is just so ingrained in me, but I am grateful that I am beginning to recognize it. That is because of the program of Alcoholics Annonymous. I am learning that I am a good person and that I can trust my intuition. And when I am not sure I know that I can turn it over to the One who is. I have always been full of self doubt. Even now, I have questioned my faith, because it feels so awkward sometimes. I have questioned my honesty, because it is unfamiliar. I have question whether or not my motives are pure. And I have always drowned these feelings away with alcohol. So I did go for alot of things in my life....I went back to college after dropping out... I changed careers....I moved...but I drowned out the honest self reflection and fear with alcohol and that allowed me to move forward in a half assed sort of way.
I am ready to move forward now. In the direction of my dreams.... of my hopes....of my desires....and it is again scary. And it makes me cry sometimes because I am feeling the fear.....but it is different now...I can work through it...I have tools to help me that I have learned from the program of Alcoholics Annonymous. And when I forget or fall back into an old pattern, I have the people of Alcoholics Annonymous to remind me of who I really am and what I can do. Thank you.

Tuesday, April 8, 2008

Albuquerque, NM

So this is what I want for my big 5-0 coming up. At first I thought a dog. As I approach the empty nest I am longing more and more for that kind of unconditional love. And I still want a dog but there is a 12 step Centering Prayer retreat in Albuquerque and Father Keating is going to be a speaker. He's getting up there in age and who knows how long he'll be available to speak. I feel like a groupie, like following Bono around. But I have been so moved and inspired by this connection that I would love to pursue it further with the source himself. Well, not that Source, I do that everyday , but our earthly source, Father Keating. The other priest who led our recent retreat will also be there as will some of the other facillitators. It just is such a great opportunity.

So rather than go to Vegas and whoop it up like my girlfriend wants to do, or get some big piece of jewelry or expensive dinner, I would like to do this. Learn more, live more, pray more. So then there's the money. But I am sure I can rationalize that.....no big presents.....scrimp for a month....I'd love it for my husband to come but then there's that expense. Plus he doesn't want to explore Centering Prayer, he wants to rent a bike as in Hog and roam the country. Nothing wrong with that I suppose but it is more money. I said if he wanted this trip for his birthday we could really rationalize the whole thing. I'm good at rationalizing. Been doing it all my life why not turn that defect into something positive. Another woman from the retreat is also thinking about it. We'll see. I'm not going to project too, too much but things like this do take planning.

In the meantime I'll just look at the picture. It looks beautiful and I've never been to that part of the country. Another good reason to go.....

Monday, April 7, 2008

A Grateful Recovering Alcoholic

It kind of annoyed me when people added this phrase or something like it to their introductions in meetings. Why can't they just be like the rest of us, plain old alcoholics? I get it now. I went to a commitment Saturday at a rehab facility. As I looked out on the faces in the room and thought about the almost 10 months I've managed to stay sober, I realized that I was indeed a grateful and recovering alcoholic. I underline the ing because I know I have a long way to go. But according to the Big Book I can recover because it is the story of how 100 people recovered. These people were just at the beginning of their journey. They needed to take that first step, or maybe just being there they had.

At the commitment a man approached me who looked very much like our friend Ozzy Osborne. He asked me if I was THE Kathy who chased his girlfriend after the morning meeting we were representing to give her my number. It was and she had called me too. I haven't seen her since but she's doing okay according to him. It was good to hear. I hope she comes back. A man from our morning meeting had shared that his wife was there. She showed up tonight at our meeting. I went to that commitment on no sleep. I had been up since 1 am after going to the air force base to greet some troops coming home. If I was drinking I never would have been able to do that. No way, no how. I am grateful for that. I am grateful that I don't have to do this again. I am grateful that God is in my life.

Tonight a bit of my past showed up at the meeting as well. I think I shared the story here about one of my drunks, jumping off a deck with a bunch of kids from the kitchen where I was working into snowbanks in the middle of the night. Well one of those kids showed up at the meeting tonight. It took us a few minutes to remember each other but we did. He grew up. I remember asking him to teach my little boy to skateboard. He told me skateboarding led to drugs. He was joking at the time but apparantly for him it did. And there I was a 30 something old woman jumping off of decks with him. He was probably all of 17, if that. I'm glad he was there tonight and I hope I see more of him. We talked about a few people we worked with that should probably be with us as well.

I have become very close to these last months to a woman whose heart was breaking tonight because she misses her son so. And he misses her which breaks her heart even more. She is in a sober house and her son is with her parents. She has been working so hard to stay sober and get her life back. She has more to do and my heart was breaking too. I hope I was able to console her just a bit. She is a good mother but sometimes the sentiment this too shall pass just isn't enough. I heard recently that tears melted the ice around your heart and her shell was definately breaking. I will pray that she can find comfort.

Another woman I have gotten close to slipped again this weekend. Her husband emailed me asking for help. I was able to suggest alanon to him thanks to what I have learned from Syd and the alanon woman who attends our morning meeting. I called another woman and we went to their house to try to do a 12th step call but they never came to the door. We slipped alanon info under the door and a note to our friend. She called me later and I brought her to the morning meeting today. He said I could give his number to the alanon member of our group. Both she and her husband came to the meeting tonight.

Our speaker tonight was celebrating his 46th anniversary. It was good to hear his story. Usually we just hear his booming voice. He is what you call a powerful example. Big Time! Even played backgammon with Bill W. Said he scared the you know what out of him. And this guy is big. His message is that service is what has kept him sober all these years.

There was a lot going on these last few days. And I am a grateful recovering alcoholic though I'll probably just stick to alcoholic.


I like my pink cloud and I'm sticking to it! Enjoy!

Friday, April 4, 2008

Great Things

It's Friday!!!!

Trying to get to Pease tonight at 3 AM to greet homecoming soldiers and then hitting breakfast aftewards with the girls!

I have an increasing network of sober friends and I am growing to love them!

My daughter's People Watching Club (yes there is one) is going to Fanuel Hall. I sent her to college for this.. Half will all dress in black tshirts and walk silently around in a single file line around the market with huge grins on their faces. The other half will observe peoples reaction. She is the treasurer and is plotting fundraising ideas to take a field trip to Montreal. Cracks me up.

My friends will be taking me on a kayaking weekend next month to celebrate the big 5-0! These are my "normal" girlfriends. One of them left me a mysterious message that she had a few questions for me. She is the one that the rest of the group worries about in terms of drinking. They didn't worry about me. Probably because I was always a relatively "happy" drunk. So I projected the phone message and thought perhaps she wanted to ask questions about AA. I had an entire 12th step going on in my head. Well, no. She wanted to know if I would let them celebrate my birthday. Very considerate and I love these girls. How could I say no even though I wanted the day to just pass by.

My husband is cool about all these girls' weekends and retreats. He has really been so supportive if not baffled by my metamorphosis (thanks for the word Michael) into a sober woman. And the cooler he is the more I want to spend time with him. Strange turn of events.

I am going to get together in the next week or so with another sober woman I met through my blog. Really looking forward to that though its a bit scary. You know, meeting for the first time someone who knows all about me. I think she should start a blog too so I can learn more about her (hint, hint)

My son is way to busy to get into anymore trouble.

I am sober.

Thursday, April 3, 2008

Regrets, I've had a Few

I was sitting on my swing yesterday and thinking about how blessed I feel now, how my life is so rich and full of possiblities. I am content. My family relationships are improving, I have new relationships that are meaningful, and my life is satisfying. I am able to tolerate my worklife right now because I know there is a way out. We are moving in different directions and I can use that as my exit strategy. I could even stay on to help in the transition as long as I am able. Didn't even think of that before. Of course I do need another job to go to but that's a mere detail!! I have a vision. The promises in the Big Book really are coming true for me and I know I have much more work to do on the steps but that no longer scares me because I am already feeling the results and because I know my Higher Power is with me. Things are just good and that is because I'm sober and have God in my life.

But I couldn't help but feel a bit of sadness and regret of how much of life I have missed. It's so good now, and I missed all that time. Of what could have been... You know what I mean? I look at the young people in the rooms and think, how lucky they are that if they get "it" now in their life, how much more of life they can enjoy and be a part of. I know, I know, you oldtimers are ringing in my head. That is why we stay in the day, the moment. In my fifth step I did let go of this stuff. I'm not holding onto any resentments. But the could have beens come back every now and again. "I coulda been a contenda". I guess I just regret that for half my life I didn't even know what it was. But I have this sneaking suspsician (I absolutely cannot spell that word!) that when I start making my amends some of this will be resolved. Perhaps this is a gentle nudge in that direction.
But I will stay in the moment for today. Enjoy the fruits...I had a banana for breakfast.

Tuesday, April 1, 2008

My Turn

Well, because I whined to Martha that noone tagged me, she tagged me despite my protests! Can't a girl just whine when she wants to?
1. The rules of the game get posted at the beginning.
2. Each player answers the questions about themselves.
3. At the end of the post, the player then tags 5 people and posts their names, then goes to their blogs and leaves them a comment, letting them know they’ve been tagged and asking them to read your blog.

What was I doing 10 yrs ago?
I always think of questions like this in terms of my kids. My son was 7 and my daughter was 9, I miss that age. I was very involved in their school but less so because while I was still waitressing at night (which meant a party afterwards), but I had started working partime as a paralegal for a personal injury firm. We lived in an intolerable situation in a rundown condo in which the owner of the other unit was an out and out crazy lady and known to the whole town making the sale of it difficult. My Dad was fighting in Non Hodgkins Lymphoma and died in September of that year rocking my familly's world.

5 years ago:
We had just finished checking my mother into an assisted living facility after her collapse and near death and diagonosis of Korsakoff's syndrome. I was meeting with lawyers and financial planners to make sure her money would last. We had to clean out her house and put in on the market. I was working 2 paralegal jobs but quit one because life was getting too chaotic. I started to see a therapist but was never honest about my feelings or my drinking. She did help me alot with how to deal with my mother though. She also helpe me to triage my mother's brother, also an alcoholic. Tried to pass him off to other family members as he was pretty incapable of activities of daily living. He ended up dying alone on the bathroom floor of his home. I was trying to control my drinking to prove I was nothing like my mother but it wasn't working. I was drinking more and more. I quit smoking and my drinking increased.

1 year ago:
I can't even really remember a year ago very well. I was drinking more and more and passing out just about every night. My kids were disgusted with me. My daughter had asked me to stop drinking in front of her friends. My son barely spoke to me. My husband and I fought all the time and I could not stand the sight of him. I was supplementing my drinking with medications. Told my dr that my menstrual cramps were intolerable to get something. Took my husbands xanax that he needed for his fear of flying when I could find it, he hid it on me and several times had to fly without it. We lived in a new house which I love and I was getting paid well to do my job but I was miserable. I had stopped smoking but my drinking increased as a result.

Went to my morning meeting and then work. Gave a ride to 2 other women from the group to cash their change in for bills. Checked in with my online AA group and blogdom. Went to my therapy session in her new digs. Picked up my son from lacrosse practice. Had dinner with my sponser and her friends to celebrate her birthday and pretended to order a martini as an April Fools Joke. It went over well. Went to my Stepsisters meeting where we talked about Tradition 4 and then for tea afterwards and talked about meditation. Apologized to my husband for not telling him my son's lacrosse game was cancelled but why he can't just look it up himself on the school website I have no idea. Tried to think up a joke to get back at my daughter who called at 12:38 am to tell us that the foot that had been troubling her was broken. Got my morning centering prayer sit in and prayed throughout the day. Didn't get my afternoon sit in though. Came home from tea and watched American Idol. But most of all I was sober and content.

What are 5 things on my to-do list for today (not in any particular order):
1. Pay my bills and send out the rental agreement for a week at summer house on lake
2. Visit a struggling alcoholic in hospital
3. Meditation Service at a local church
4. Watch my son's Lacrosse game
5. Make dinner

Books I like:
The Big Book of course
Open Mind, Open Heart
Three Cups of Tea
No Greater Love
What is the What
Peace Like a River
East of Eden
I could go on and on.....

Places I'd like to visit:
Albequerque (to hear Fr.Keating speak)
Swan's Island (again)

Pet Peeves:
Eating noises
mean people
self absorbed people
clutter (which I unfortunately create a bit of)
people who just can't sit for a one hour meeting

What I like doing:
Sit and walk on the beach
Pray in silence

What I like to watch:
robins in my yard
my son playing lacrosse and soccer
my daughter with my niece and nephew
a newcomer's growth
Reality TV
Movies that make me cry

What I would never wear:
High heels
hats ( hate hat head)
Snacks I enjoy:
Tangerines w/Lorna Doones,
Bannana w/Peanut butter toast
Notice how everything is with something.....

Things I would do if I were a billionaire:
Pay off my mortgage and move beach or lakeside.
Set up my kids for life
Take care of my brothers' families
Quit my job and volunteer for what I love, maybe open a women's sober house
Add my $.02 or so to make the world a better place

Three of my bad habits:
1. Smoking (just for the last 2 months, gotta stop)
2. Feeling responsible for EVERYTHING
3. Treating my husband with less than respect (getting better)

5 places I have lived:
1. Boston
2. Pittsburgh
3. Monroeville, PA
3. Connecticut
4. North Shore of Mass

5 jobs I have had:
1. Waitress
2. Sales Clerk
3. Retail Manager
4. Gas Station Secret Shopper
5. Paralegal

5 peeps I wanna know more about:
Ann with or without Wine
Banana Girl
I think everyone else has been tagged but if you haven't and you read this DO IT!