Thanks for all the wonderful comments telling me to go for it. I got a similar response from my sponser and others. I guess that is what I was looking for. Affirmation. I don't know why I always feel like I don't deserve stuff. I'm getting better at that. My therapist says it comes from my childhood most likely. Not too much praise, lots of punishment. Now that I'm writing this I can't remember exactly what she said but I remember when she said it I said, oh yeah, that makes sense. I feel like for most of my life I have settled. Settled for jobs, relationships, behaviors, for less. If you always feel like you've done something wrong, then it follows that you would feel you don't deserve the good stuff. I struggle with that. Putting others needs before my own. Sublimating my own desires and dreams because I think they are too good for me or unatainable because I am not worthy. It is just so ingrained in me, but I am grateful that I am beginning to recognize it. That is because of the program of Alcoholics Annonymous. I am learning that I am a good person and that I can trust my intuition. And when I am not sure I know that I can turn it over to the One who is. I have always been full of self doubt. Even now, I have questioned my faith, because it feels so awkward sometimes. I have questioned my honesty, because it is unfamiliar. I have question whether or not my motives are pure. And I have always drowned these feelings away with alcohol. So I did go for alot of things in my life....I went back to college after dropping out... I changed careers....I moved...but I drowned out the honest self reflection and fear with alcohol and that allowed me to move forward in a half assed sort of way.
I am ready to move forward now. In the direction of my dreams.... of my hopes....of my desires....and it is again scary. And it makes me cry sometimes because I am feeling the fear.....but it is different now...I can work through it...I have tools to help me that I have learned from the program of Alcoholics Annonymous. And when I forget or fall back into an old pattern, I have the people of Alcoholics Annonymous to remind me of who I really am and what I can do. Thank you.
5 comments:
I can soooooo relate. I "hear" my thoughts telling me lovely things like "you are worthless". OUCH! Also I recently realized that when I got a bonus from work recently - I didn't want it, b/c I didn't think I deserved it. WIERD huh.
i'm going to listen to what u said about 4th step. I seem to LOVE making everything complicated and tourchering (sp?) myself. what is that all about??
Anyway - YOU ARE DESERVING of all goodness. You have it already actually - we just need to acknowledge and accept all that goodness in our souls.. there is love there and truth and god and power - all INSIDE. At the point I am - I know it intellectual - someone just needs to let my FEELINGS in on it at times! heehee. i love u guts and then u are fabulous dawling.
remember in the pagan serenity prayer - and grant me the power of EARTH - to CONTINUE my path. okay - i'm off. i can really start being preachy and i don't like that bout me sometimes.
My thoughts are saying to me "you know michael you have got a free car on the back of your dads disability and occasionally you should put something back in"
my HP I believe made me put something back, 253 pounds thats about 500 dollars to get the car repaired but I deserved having to go through the inconvenience and expense.
I think I am giving my will over more now to my HP, I might be going to see my sponsor tonight all being well
i also don't deserve... NOT!!!! but i have to tell myself that every time i think that. again and again. eventually it'll sink in.
i just love your thinking here. and how you've changed is beautiful!
I sometimes still settle but am learning more and more that I am worth much more than that. I am keeping the focus on myself more and more. It's not closing others out but just learning that I have my own needs.
Hi Kathy, I have never really pushed myself to achieve my potencial, I mean I spent 9 years labouring after completing a physics degree, I guess I just lost my ambitions and dreams somewhere with the chronic depressive episodes I suffered at university.
I always put myself down as well, I dont deserve a lady friend, I dont deserve much money or a house of my own, i dont deserve to be happy, its hard to break out of the cycle, your thoughts make your future and your past confirms what you have thiought
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