What To Do?

Well I'm at a turning point. Sometime at the beginning of the year I came to believe that I wanted to so something more with my life than be a lawyer's assistant. When I became a paralegal it also was a turning point for me and I loved the work. If I'm honest with myself, part of it was that it was a professional position over that of waitress and before that retail. I had images of chasing Jimmy Smits up the courthouse stairs in my neat suit and briefcase. (LA Law for those of you unfamiliar) Well, that didn't come true but it did lead to the position I am in now which I found challenging, interesting and stimulating for a good part of the last 8 years. When my boss interviewed me 8 1/2 years ago he asked what I hoped to accomplish in the job and I told him I hoped to become indispensible. Be careful what you wish for. As time as progressed the job is no longer what I loved in the beginning and I am more involved with the personality of my boss which while I find it challenging, I do not find it interesting or stimulating but frustrating and boring.

As I have progressed through recovery I have realized that my instincts back in the day, for a career in social work, are coming back. I drank those away. I think again if I am honest with myself, when I left that dream I knew that I was too messed up to help other people. So I turned to retail where the commodity of my mistakes would not be someone's life just maybe a rack of dresses. That and the fact that I partied my way out of school and failed to get my BSW.

Increasingly I have wanted to work in the field of recovery. They say do what you love and love what you do. Do what you are passionate about. Well, recovery has become what I am passionate about. I have had thoughts of writing, thoughts of running a sober house, and others. My sponser and my therapist say this is common in early recovery and to take it slow so I have. No major changes in the first year. I have kept it to thoughts....about going back to school, about volunteering my services...getting my feet wet before taking any action. I guess you could say I'm in research mode. Yesterday I spoke at the Office of Community Corrections to a group of women in transition from prison to freedom. I have met some of them already because they frequently attend our Friday night women's group. But this time it was all of them. Scary stuff. As I spoke the blotches started out small then spread throughout my chest and face. I know because the Director sitting next to me was nice enough to point it out at the end of my share. One of the women in my morning meeting is a counselor there and had asked for speakers and was directed to me. I agreed because I don't usually say no but I also thought it would be an opportunity to check out the facility.

Well don't you know as I was leaving they asked me what my education was, what I was currently doing and would I be interested in a job. Whoa! Funny how God works isn't it? I was honest with her and told her that yes, I have been thinking about heading in this direction. That no, I have absolutely no experience. That it would be extremely difficult to extricate myself from my current position. That this opportunity might be hitting me a bit too soon. She was honest and said that the money was not good, I be taking a 1/3 paycut, but that these women really need our help and it was a good environment to work. Her advice to me was to put my resume together, submit it and let God do the rest.

Talked to my husband, he thinks I would be jumping in unfamiliar waters, that I should ease into it as originally planed by voluteer work and classes not to mention that we have one in college and one on the way so taking a paycut is not the best of plans (but wouldn't we get more financial aid??). I need to talk to my sponser and therapist as well. In the meantime I am going to turn my house upside down to look for my resume. In a way I am very excited. But I am also very unsure. Scary stuff.....if I was running the show I'd go to school, and give it some time to figure out what and where I want to work. But I'm not running the show and this has fallen in my lap.

What to do? What to do?