You Get What You Need

Well, I know I'm not alone but sometimes the path, especially the spiritual path, can be lonely. It occurred to me last night that I was no longer feeling good about the morning meeting (my home group) that I attend on a daily basis. Looking around at the people thinking, my assumptions that this was my "family" was all wrong. The friends I have made and hang out with in AA are not in this group. The people who are sharing their spiritual journey with me are not in this group. So maybe now its time to leave it. I have a vigerous meeting schedule anyway, maybe its time for a break. It made me feel sad but I'm feeling stretched. Something may have to give.

But I bring someone to the meeting every mornng and that's what got me there this morning..thank Goodness. And I told her so and thanked her. Another woman who is struggling and whom I called yesterday showed up and was there...after not going for the last week so that was good. Another woman who has been in her words "dabbling" in AA for the last year or two got a chip for her 9 days after finally making the decision to jump in and get a sponser. She had asked me and I told her I'm not sponsering yet but I'd be her phone person until she got one...suggested meetings where she might find a good one. Another woman who also has been close to this whole funeral thing came over and whispered thanks for being her friend and if nothing else it had brought the two of us closer. She made me cry and I had to leave the meeting and sit in the bathroom for a few minutes to compose myself. When people are nice to me when I'm down or feeling alone..it makes me cry. Another guy made an announcement that it was 30 months for him and he wanted to share because it was the longest he had ever been sober. I took a quarter and a sharpie and made a medallion for him. That was fun.

I did not sit in the circle and haven't this week except when I chaired. I'm kind of liking the distance it has given me and a bit of the camraderie back there. They joke and call it denial aisle. Sitting there doesn't mean you don't share...we go round robin and sometimes it starts there. Anyway at the end of the meeting as we were putting our chairs away..one of the woman came up to me and said.."where were you?!". I said I was here all the time. She said.."i took my seat and you were not sitting over there. I need to see you...I didn't know what was happening without you here..you are my rock. Dont' do that again!" I promised that I would make sure to tap her on the shoulder when I change my seat...How did she know? I know I feel the same way about certain people. But I had no idea ANYONE felt that way about me. We don't even usually talk that much.

In spite of myself, I think that perhaps indeed this is my family and just like family there are ups and downs, ebbs and flows..good times and bad..but they are the people you count on being there, even when you aren't. That you are stuck with whether you like them or not.

One man new to the meeting shared how he didn't know he was an alcoholic till he came to AA. And now, he didn't really have to have the meetings and such to keep him sober..his Higher Power does that. Meetings are nice..but not necessary. My experience is a bit different. When I came to AA, I KNEW I was an alcoholic but I was looking for a way out. I didn't want to be one..and thought if I went to a meeting I would find out I wasn't and maybe get to continue drinking...and what I found was that I was an alcoholic and there was a solution to my problem. Better yet, it works and the obsession to drink has been lifted for me today. I agree with him that it is because of my Higher Power...but I found That in AA, through AA. I needed the meetings to do that. And I need the meetings so that I can continue to work with others to ensure my own sobriety and to stay in service to my Higher Power. And that means more than just sharing at meetings. It means sitting in denial aisle next to the woman who can't stop drinking, it means giving my number to the woman who finally made a decsion, it means acknowledging another members milestone, it means talking to each other through hard times...it means being present and accounted for. It means being the signpost for others.

I'm still conflicted. But that's life. Carolyn Myss says God is order and God is disorder. God is both. I am so grateful for Kelly right now..my sister spiritual warrior. She has absolutely no idea that I was getting ready to put down the sword. I guess the message is if you are feeling something..say it..that one little insignificant thing that you push off, may mean the world to someone and completely turn their thinking around.

Nameste