I was exhausted yesterday so I cancelled a meeting (not AA) that I was supposed to go to, made dinner and chilled out. Watched Academy Award rehash stuff which was fun and touching. Rewatching Kate Winslet's response to her Dad's whistle was just so endearing. Anyway, my husband usually calls around 5 ish to check in to see what's up for the night. He had called my son around 4 and I was there...so when I changed my plans for the night I didn't think anything of it. I just made dinner and settled in. He didn't call me and I didn't call him. I figured our contact during my son's call was enough. He got home just before 8....all is well...I told him I was exhausted so didn't go...dinner's in the kitchen...do you want to watch a movie? I'm not sure where in the conversation he went to the bad place but he blew. Really upset that I hadn't called him to let him know. He likes to get an "itinerary" of the evening. He had thought of stopping for dinner on the way home..(he didn't.) I changed it up and didn't tell him. Didn't help to tell him I was exhausted. (I didn't call anyone or go online after I called to cancel my appearance at the meeting). That just made it worse really.
The good thing is..I did not engage. Once I could see nothing I would say would change how he felt....without hurting myself in the process....I just got quiet. Let him go on and on. And then I went to bed. I woke up this morning fully rested which was great. We did not talk about it. But I also did not bang around or give him the "silent" treatment. Just went on as usual. I'm not sure this is a good thing. I know I feel unsettled but I also know that talking to him about it is not going to help. Me or him.
And now I am fighting going to the bad place myself. The anger and self pity at being treated unfairly. And was it unfair? I just don't know, he certainly doesn't think so. Is he being unreasonable? I think maybe. But then it goes to that Serenity Prayer....I cannot change him..I can only change myself. I have the wisdom of that today. And that is not necessarily a good thing. Well, its a good thing, just not necessarily an easy thing. I'm not sure what to do with it. It's tough to change when the world around you doesn't. And then how to work and be within that world without being held back. Without causing pain or discomfort.
It's like the line in the John Mayer song Why Georgia...."don't believe me if I say I've got it all down"..and "so I've got a smile on me but it's hiding the quiet superstitions in my head". What superstitions? Well one would be what 22 years of marriage is.
It's all good.
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7 comments:
Gee, it is fine to know that whatever happens in my mind during a domestic 'exchange'...I am not alone.
None of us are that different in how we react, feel, or think.
Thank you, Kathy.
the thing i keep in the back of my mind during these sorts of things is "COULD HE BE RIGHT?" not that he IS - but COULD he be - staying open to the possibility and asking him "honey, you know, i really want to take a look at what happened last night - where i may have been off and let's take a look at it together.. show me where i was off (genuinely trying to understand with no ego there - ha!).. i could really use your help".. then listen. 'i hear you honey. so what can i do to make this right. i know - what if i called you and blah blah.' and come up with specific ways to resolve it working together. did you have a part in it? if so, what - and work on that. cause yeah - can't change him. but you?! wow what we can do from here right?
maybe fill out a judge your neighbor worksheet on him and turn it all around. call me if you wanna read it to me - sometimes that helps. her cd has how to work through the sheet. it's easier when you hear it before trying to work it. but it can change your whole attitude before going back to talk about it.
ah well - can't hurt i suppose. but i hear ya. i hate being blind-sided by those sorts of things. and 9 times out of 10 it had NOTHING to do with me or you but something going on with the other person that you have no idea about. THEIR ego has usually been challenged at work or hell even by the grocery store clerk! gawd knows. but it ain't all bout us for sure.
love ya girl and let me know how it sorts out b/c it WILL !!
Sounds as if you handled it well. It isn't an easy thing to not react. Especially when I feel that someone else is "to blame". A quick inventory helps me to realize my role and what to do.
I hear ya girl.
I don't have an answer, but I hear you.
Boy do I know this feeling, and I hear my Sponsor's voice telling me (for the ump-teenth time)
Read starting at bottom 66 through second paragraph 67...
And I do... and then I hear that voice again... the one that says...
"Jess you don't have to participate in every fight you're invited to," and "You don't have to have an emotional reaction to every emotional reaction"
and then the mantra I see whenever I look in the mirror when disturbed....
"your wrong, your really wrong, your really really wrong, and your probably wrong about BEING wrong."
Sheesh... it's tough when we're trying to live a more spiritual existence and our spouse ain't always along for the ride.
Good thing sponsors know where to point to so I can go get some tools to build the steps instead of getting the shovel to dig the graves...
im sure if you get a chance to talk once he has cooled down you can find out what was up without getting defensive.
lots of people are losing their cool because of the economy. people are very frightened but often lack the skills to deal with it constructively.
gawd knows what he needs. perhaps even he doesn't really know.
something happened. thats for sure. you dont have to rake over the coals just yet. taking time out from discussion gives time for people to cool down.
emotions have no logic. they are a force of nature. they just happen.
for whatever reason this issue is a strong trigger for him. even if it makes no sense it would be best to avoid the same triggering behaviour in future, as much as is practicaly possible. and at some point you can try to find out whats realy going on with him. perhaps. but self awareness is not an easy task what with the ego. so its not easy.
i get curios and say, what is it that you think you need me to do? what do you think upset you about what i did? if the same thing occurs, what would you rather i did next time?
type of thing..
dont worry. no hurry. just do whatever. take care of yourself, and talk to people and see what happens.
reminds me of one by u2
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=be0j4PbrQOI
remember. he is a sic person getting well. not a bad person getting good
and "Dirty Day" offers, "If you need somebody to blame / Throw a rock in the air / You're bound to hit someone guilty"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GIsFPZit-_M
under anger is profound grief. gawd knows what triggered this in him. this reaction suggests his emotions are out of whack and this is al about him. but there may be REALLY simple things you can do in future that will prevent this trigger recurring.
oh man, change when the world around you isn't.... i'm facing that at the moment (one again, heee heee heee) and it's shitty!!!!!
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