That's what I heard this morning as How it Works was read as usual. "With all the earnestness at our command, we beg of you to fearless and thorough from the very start." pg 58. Lots of people put the emphasis on "suggestions"....or .."everyone does it their own way, in their own time." And these things are true....to an extent. But it seems to me that Bill W., Dr. Bob and the first 100 who were involved in the writing of our text...which has not changed....were begging the alcoholic reader to do it. I heard Thich Nhat Hahn say this morning as well...The Buddha says you have to do it (mindfulness, meditation, etc.) to find happiness. (or something like that..I stayed up to watch the Academy Awards last night so my brain is kind of scrambled even from what I just listened to an hour ago:).
For me, I was so desperate when I got to AA..so ready...that I wanted to follow directions. I was looking for someone, Anyone to tell me what I needed to do. Please. In fact...suggestions...were not what I was looking for. I wanted clear directions. Precise directions. Just tell me what to do and I'll do it. No questions asked. And I got them. I can't say that I didn't ask questions but I will say that I listened to the answers. I hear about suggestions now...and I hear people sharing that they don't have to do this, that or the other thing in the Big Book or what they hear in meetings because it is only a suggestion....and they don't have to I suppose. I wonder why on page 164 it says "this book is meant to be suggestive only..."? I wonder if they had written today..after all these years...they would say something more like...this book is meant to save your life.
And when your life is saved....when you have found peace, happiness, joy even in the face of a not so perfect life, when the obsession to drink alcohol is gone...when life is changed..it is really difficult to see others dying, hurting, obsessing, struggling, suffering, early in sobriety and 20 years sober and I want to say..I beg of you....
7 comments:
I remember wondering about the "suggestive only part" before my sponsor sat down and read through the book with me page by page (because as an English Major with a BS Degree - no coincidence that MY English Degree is BS) I found out that the rest of the chapter says that there are other people who have found an answer in another way outside of working the program of recovery "IN THIS BOOK" but if you want to get the recover "IN THIS BOOK" you have to use this book to show you "PRECISELY how to recover"
"Follow the precise and immutable law of a Creative Intelligence (God)"
And that it is "To the precise extent that we permit [resentments], do we squander hours that might have been worthwhile.
So really, they suggest their own program (the book) but you can take it or leave it. In fact in the first edition they were really specific, this sentance appeared directly following the abc's in How it works "If you are not convinced on these vital issues, you ought to re-read the book to this point or else throw it away!"
That seems pretty specific to me :)
I love this program, and it is exciting listening to opinions in the meetings, I'm just glad I found the GREAT FACT :)
Thanks so much for this Kathy!!! What a great post!
a nice post to mull over. i'm pretty much the same as you, when i'm ready, i'm ready, so please give me suggestions, give me directions, clear and loud. i'll follow anything. and if it works, i'll stick with it, if not, i'll toss it.
We had a topic meeting couple weeks ago on ..."We BEG you." Good point, Kathy Lynn.
We say, rather than "this book can save your life"...we say "This book will save your ASS"!
Love your AA, girl. Keep it going.
Steve E.
I'm really glad it said suggestions, else I would've walked out the door. There's a lot in the Big Book I find commendable and a lot I disagree with. I don't believe in one-size-fits-all recovery, so "suggestions" works better for me. It was written by humans and we are not perfect. There is no 100% guarantee that if you do all the suggestions you will be spiritually healed. The. Big Book is a good guide but it is not a panacea. I think it could be dangerous to look at it that way. Well, just one drunk's opinion, anyway.
Nice post Kathy. I take the suggestive part to mean that the first of the members are saying "we are under no illusion that we can control your behaviour, and we are all too aware of the defiant, indignant, rebellious aspect of the alcoholic personality, so we have no intention of wasting our time trying to control you or force this upon you. Because we know how dangerous that would be to your welfare. And because we care so much about whether you live or die we are making these life-and-death instructions to you on a suggestion basis. You can take them and use them or not. We will not force them upon you"
I feel exactly the same way you do when I see people struggling regardless of how long they have been sober. Most of the people who are struggling are new, it has to be said. But at the same time other people who have been sober a long time are accidents waiting to happen because they are not thorough, they don't do service, they are very self obsessed, they haven't understood basic principles of recovery. So in that respect yes, if something goes wrong there is a chance that the bow will break, and they will relapse. On the other hand, the people who have a good knowledge of this recovery programme are extremely safe if they have implemented the suggestions. Most importantly the suggestion of trying to help other people.
it's incredibly frustrating watching people deteriorate front of your eyes year in year out. Just so you know, when I sponsor somebody the "we beg of you", comment is something I do go over without fail as part of step one. I consider it an integral part of step one. I want them to know that the first hundred members are begging them to complete this course of action. I find it very humbling when they realise the exact nature of that sentence. I find it very moving. It makes the hair is on the back of my neck stand up.
As for you Cathy, I think the reason you are sober is because you care whether other people live or die. Basically you are not chronically self-centred. Yes of course you have preoccupations about yourself, we all do. But in addition to that, and that's what's most important, that tendency is mitigated by a almost continual 24-hour preoccupation with what you can do for other people. This is what I refer to as the "service mindset". It's very clear from what you write that you really care about other people. And in addition to caring about people you perform actions which benefit other people. "Faith without works is dead" and those actions you perform on a daily basis are providing you with the mindset described in the big book. It is no accident that the big books says "helping others is the foundation of your recovery". Helping others is the foundation of your recovery Kathy. That's why you feel the way you do. That's why your head doesn't trick you. That's why you're not in danger of relapse. That's why it's baffling for you to look at others who are suffering to aren't able to conjure up a safe mindset that will prevent them from relapsing.
Obviously if you were to do something incredibly reckless and strange, you could in danger your sobriety. So what I'm saying is there is nothing as foolproof. But what I'm saying is that you have the correct information and place and if you continue to implement it you will continue to feel the way you are feeling, and life will work on your have to worry about drinking ever again. All my Sponsees feel like this when they have completed the steps and I think it's perfectly normal. But right from the very start, I stress the importance of helping other people, and that has to become a daily reality for them. They have to do something every day to help another person. Starting with newcomers. Then they expand it to work to their family to their friends everywhere 24 hours a day that's the attitude they bring to their situations. And they feel fine and they never drink again. And that's the way it works. I have never seen it fail.
But is it frustrating when you've hit upon a way of doing a program that works, that feels easy. It's really horrible watching other people flail around and relapse and I and lose their jobs, and end up in accident and emergency, and in writing off their cars, or hanging themselves like a girl who lives locally did quite recently. It just looks so pointless, once you know a way that works. But there's nothing you can do. Like you I am appalled at how many people fail, but my way of dealing with it was to teach other people how to do what I had learned how to do by sponsoring them. And that's how I cope with the fact that most people I meet are accidents waiting to happen. It is so predictable, but I am often able to accurately predict the month or year in which they are likely to relapse or go off the rails or become suicidal. It all looks so predictable. Oh well. Never mind. Nothing I can do..
I have found that it's very difficult to help people who I am not sponsoring, as there is just so much to explain, and I do not have the time to explain all that. It would literally take 10-12 hours of my time per person. And I just don't have that time. I am referring here to the people who have some kind of resistance to what I am suggesting. The people who don't have resistance, are easier because they will generally pick up the things I suggest. But the ones who are in the most danger are the people who have a resistance to something. They believe it is useful for them to continue to be angry for instance, or they think is useful to be very self absorbed. Or they believe that they are morally superior or self-righteous towards all other people everybody else is a second-class citizen. Some people especially the angry ones, require a lot of work. As they are usually the people with hundreds of faulty justifications for negative thinking and behaviour. And each one of those faulty justifications needs to be addressed and challenged. And even when you do that because they are naturally angry people, you have to deal with their negativity in response. So it's a not an enjoyable experience. And it takes twice as long to help somebody like that as it does to help somebody who is receptive. So unless I'm feeling extraordinarily generous, I pretty much leave them to stew in their own self-righteous anger, or belief system. The arrogant, angry, self-righteous, "certain" people are definitely the hardest to help. They tend to be quite sure of themselves. And very often sure of their conviction that AA is in some way or other inadequate for their needs. I.e. the special and different argument. Contempt prior to investigation usually. Meaning they have not gone to any lengths to implement the suggestions. Yet they often feel very confident in their assertion that AA is inadequate. I think learning how to live with the presence of members to drink and die on a fairly regular basis is one of the things about AA. You never forget the people that die but you kind of learn to expect it every now and again.
I think the reason they continued to use the word "suggest" in its various forms throughout the book is that there is a clear premise that each individual, no matter how far down we have gone, is worthy and worth respecting. It is this respect for the individual and knowing that each much choose the path within the program to be sober that keeps the highway Broad and Roomy. I was endeared to the program right away when I learned that I deserved the respect I could give myself by getting the suggestions and making choices within them. To esteem myself is not to laud or lavish, it is to place enough humble importance on my existence to work at this with a purpose. I honor the Creator who gave me life and choice when I acknowledge this, even when I make the poor choice, if I learn.
Wow, what great comments. Thanks for the post and the thoughtful comments.
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