Sting - Brand New Day

So my discovery this week....my thinking is screwed up. Big suprise. The way I think is part of why I am an alcoholic in the first place. A three fold disease they call it. Physical, mental, and spiritual. I got the physical down. The obsession to drink has been lifted for me and as long as I don't put a drink in my body the phenonmenon of craving will not begin. I'm working on the spiritual. I have had an awakening and work to increase my conscious contact with God, my Higher Power, the Source, the Creator everyday. It has given me a level of peace I have never known.

But my thinking, oh my thinking. Still screwed up. For instance...we are having a conversation. You say...I need xyz. I need to know xyz, I need to have xyz. I cannot do abc until I get xyz. I hear.. Can you give me xyz? Can you find out about xyz? Can you do xyz? Now, that is not what you said at all. We are just talking. You are sharing information but not calling for action. But my brain goes into action. Now sometimes in the conversation, I will say...I can give that to you, I can find out for you, I can do that for you, and if we're lucky maybe I'll ask if that is what you want, would you like me to do this, get this, find out this and you will say..please do or no thank you. And it's all good. But sometimes, I will just go into action. Why? I don't know. Because I think I've heard the question I suppose when really all that has been said is a statement. And when that happens...9 times out of 10 (and most likely that's an overestimation), you might be grateful, thanks you'll say or you might not say anything but it will help you and I will feel grateful. But the 10th time...I have crossed a boundry. One I didn't see, granted, but one that was there nonetheless..and then you feel violated. You shared information and it was taken and used. Against your wishes. You after all thought you were simply sharing information. To lighten the load. To explain. Whatever. It's not important. Self centered behavior. I think everything is about me. What I think. What I can do. How I can help. It's not. Big suprise. Motivations, intentions, good will..doesn't matter. It is not about me. The big I AM. Or more accurately I CAN. It's okay to listen for simply listening's sake. And to simply ask How can I help? instead of I will do this or even worse doing it and telling after the fact. When it's too late and the boundry has been crossed and reparations must be made, amends made..wreckage of the present cleared.

Oh what fun this recovery is..what a delight self discovery is...No..it's effing painful. My knees are skinned and I think I need stitches on my forehead. But at least I didn't lose a limb. Or worse, a friend.