Tuesday, February 3, 2009
Smack Down
So here's the thing...someone is very upset with me...personally. I have prayed. I have talked to my sponser and another trusted friend. I have prayed. I went through those 10th step questions ad nauseum. I have prayed. And I am comfortable with my actions that were upsetting. I don't have to continue...but I am being pushed and pulled. And I must now stand firm and not sway in any direction. Be a rock, solid. Even if I feel all liquid and mush inside. And I also cannot go running around looking for comfort and validation..he said this, she did that...aren't I right? Please pat me on the back. Tell me its okay. And I keep looking at myself...am I behaving in a selfish, self seeking manner and the answer is no aboslutely not. Am I trying to control outcomes and situations and the answer is no absolutely not. Am I disrespectful and insensitive and the answer is no absolutely not. Can anything I say or do change anything and the answer is no absolutely not. Can I affect what others think of me and does it even matter and the answer is no absolutely not. Do I care? Well, sadly the answer is yes..and I must change that. What others think of me is none of my business.
I can't get into specifics here...I'm feeling gun shy. I could go into a long litany of she said this, he said this, they asked that, so I did this, the situation is that...and it really doesn't matter. But let me say that I've got this Internal Struggle going on right now. That music? above...is exactly what it feels like inside. Carolyn Myss talks about it in her book Entering the Castle. Cannot believe how much what I listened to this weekend pertains to what I am going through right now and I'm not very good at articulating what she has said but I have internalized it. One of the things is that if you cannot handle the work required in your mansions (her book discusses St Teresa's The Interior Castle), then you should go back to the kitchen and peel potatoes. "make no mistake", she says. I think I'm at the door. Hand on the doorknob. I can hear her now...are you in or are you out? I'm not sure which mansion I'm in..possibly Chaos or Reason. I know for sure I'm not in the mansion of Illumination. Maybe I'm running between the 2 of them when I should just settle into one and finish. But what I do know is that I hate peeling potatoes. Spent my life there and don't want to go back.
In my mind, one minute..my old self, my false self, my drinking self...is saying...F*ck him. Loser. And then the next minute I am where I should be...I am praying...for compassion, understanding, peace, acceptance, not for me for him, for them. I think I've got those things..well maybe not quite peace right now:) That's what the Big Book tells us to do on page 552. And that's what I've done. And I guess that's what I must keep doing. My old self would like to think about this tomorrow, like Scarlett. My old self would like to say..frankly I don't give a damn. My old self would like a cocktail. My old self would like to skip the morning meeting this morning and not deal with what may happen. How I may appear. What may be said. My old self wants to dwell on what will occur in an hour. But me..the awakened Me, the emerging Me, knows that I must continue forward and as my friend told me this weekend and as I've heard before in these rooms...if you are going to stay you are going to have to learn to step over the bodies. The old me wants to pick them up and carry them. And would keep trying until beaten and bloodied and worn. I am going to survive...I know this. I want everyone to survive but that is not going to happen.
So that's what's going on with me. How's your day been?
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9 comments:
ouch, this does look like a tough one... good luck.
That's so not a comfortable place to be in.
Sometimes in situations like that all I can do is repeat endlessly in my head that "I get to define me." No one else does unless I give them my power and I'm loathe to give my power away these days.
Thank you for sharing so honestly of the process going on within you. It helps me in my own journey.
As I read your comments, you showed me a bit of myself. How I can loose my compassion when things get difficult for a sponsee. When they are going down the slippery road and I am unable to stop them. My compassion is replaced by frustration and anger. Directed at myself and toward the sponsee.
Like you said, prayer is the best way through this. Praying that God's will be done in our lives.
Thank you for the lesson. Thank you for your honesty.
The real deal is that your new self is telling you "To thine own self be true" and you are and it hurts. But you know what,it is the pain of healing that proves our strength and resolve. THis will pass, just hang in. Be the loving, kind, generous person you are and that we hear from here every day and it will be just fine. Your HP can guarantee it! LU. J.
All I know is that AA is full of lots of very restless, irritable and discontent people. There is a huge amount of very very damaged people in AA. That's why lots of them die and lots of them relapse. Many times people in AA lose the plot and get fractious with me. Admittedly not very often. But that's due mainly to the fact that I'm much better at walking away as I see somebody is mood escalating towards unreasonable anger, and not so much because I'm less inclined to bump into that type of behaviour. Basically there are a lot of very very mentally ill people in AA. People hang themselves. People commit suicide quite regularly. People rarely stay sober until their 10th year because they crack under some emotional hurdle that presents itself, usually around year seven, because they have not been very thorough when it comes to examining what makes them extremely uncomfortable. And because they have not paid attention to that detail, they are mortally wounded when hit by some major blow. It's just like that quote sounds in the big book "our very lives as ex-problem drinkers depend upon our constant thought of others, and how we can help meet their needs". Basically unless you have developed a way of living which revolves around trying to be helpful to most people you meet regardless of whether you like them or not, you invariably find that your self-centred perspective is quite simply to disturbing when the ship hits the fan. The only way to sustain a unreasonably calm mind, is to spend most of your time thinking of what you can do for other people, or doing the same stuff as you would normally, just for different reasons. So in other words, you don't end up spending your entire life sacrificing your own interests before the interests of others. The reason you don't do that, it's because it's very heedless to neglect one's own well-being. And if you were to pursue that choice, you would soon be no good to anybody because you would have neglected your own well-being. And that's not what's being asked of us in this particular instruction. Anyway I'm sure what has happened is somebody has "exploded over a trifle", you may have done something to aggravate this person consciously or unconsciously, but that's by the by, the main thing is to avoid somebody who clearly is very annoyed with you, simply because now would not be a good time to mend fences. I'll stay away until they have cooled down and only then will I consider trying to reason with them to do so prematurely would just invite more chaos. But don't make the mistake of thinking that you ought to have no anger whatsoever. The problem isn't the anger, as such. But problem is the relationship to the anger. So in other words if you have total acceptance of the fact that for the time being you have a lot of an anger coursing through your body, then from that point you can do things that will alleviate that emotional condition. Such as, screaming into a bowl of water. Cleaning up at home in a slightly aggressive style. All the things will help expand the surplus energy that is generated by the condition of anger. Anger is neither good nor bad. It's just the condition in the body that arises in response to habits and unpleasant external circumstances. It will pass, in its own good time. You just have to keep pedalling away and eventually you'll be back to normal. I find people annoying and I'm not too bothered about to be honest. It just makes me think that perhaps I haven't had enough sleep, or I'm not eating the right kinds of food, or I need to go to the gym to increase my endorphins. So basically this anger just makes you human, nothing more. So don't worry about it. This too shall pass as they say. But I would definitely avoid the guy if he really doesn't like you as you will avoid a great deal of trouble. Never mind eh? Go watch a movie or do something else just take your mind off it. Sometimes just as simple as that. Right I'm off again back to work. Hope you feel better soon Kathy
When people are upset with me, I want to justify myself. But I know that doesn't solve anything. I don't like confrontations so do my best to avoid those situations. I would say that I have to do what my gut instinct and program tell me to do: I pray and take my inventory. And then I make a decision based on that. Sometimes I just have to put the whole thing in my God box. And let it go. Hope that all works out okay for you.
Don't you hate it when you try to be a good person and do the best thing, yet there's always someone looking for a scapegoat to get pissy at? I feel for you, I really do, because I know your heart is in the right place and being unselfish. Just remember that you can't control the emotions of others and if you keep doing what your gut says is right, in the end it is you that you need to live with. Not the dysfunction of others.
Well, my noisy 2 cents.
Peeling potatoes sounds like a terrific plan to me. How about making some really rich mashed/whipped potatoes. I'll bring a pork tenderloin and dessert.
What comes to mind is that it is a process.
Us alcoholics want to follow the directions and have instant results. My experience has been that it doesn't happen that way in most cases. That's been the biggest lesson I have had to learn (and continue to learn) - that all of recovery is a process and usually a slow one at that.
But, if I take the right actions, and allow TIME, then things turn out right in TIME. Patience - yikes!
All will be well.
This is a really diffcult place to be and there are so many great comments that really I have not much to add outside of just keep praying and know that there are many who love you. A good friend of mine reminds me all the time, "remember when you were in the bars...remember the people? well they are the same people in AA, broken, irritable, and not always working the steps." I am reminded of this and just keep to my side of the street and work to keep it clean. Hugs to you!
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