Practice these Principles

"Now comes the biggest question yet. What about the practice of these principles in all our affairs? Can we love the whole pattern of living as eagerly as we do the small segment of it we discover when we try to help other alcoholics achieve sobriety? Can we bring the same spirit of love and tolerance into our sometimes deranged family lives that we bring to our A.A. group? Can we have the same kind of confidence and faith in these people who have been infected and sometimes crippled by our own illness that we have in our sponsors? Can we actually carry the A.A. spirit into our daily work? Can we meet our newly recognized responsibilities to the world at large? And can we bring new purpose and devotion to the religion of our choice? Can we find a new joy of living in trying to do something about all these things?"

I wrote about the difficulties with my husband yesterday. And guess what we read last night in our step meeting? ...the above from the Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions book. I had a chance to talk to my sponser as well as my therapist and then the meeting. Not to mention the suggestions I have received here. Can I answer yes to these questions? Not really.

So here's the thing. I have rocked my husband's world. I've flipped it on him. I am no longer the same woman he's been with for 27 years...22 of it married. We met in a bar, we dated in bars, I worked in a bar for half our marriage and finally I turned our home into a bar. He has certain expectations of that woman he was with, certain patterns...but she's no longer there. She's not overcompensating for drinking anymore. She doesn't react the same way. She doesn't have the same priorities. Her focus has changed. Not only that, she is trusting and relying upon God..not him. And he's still stuck in the old system. And to be fair, I haven't really talked to him about any of this. He's not interested in sharing any of it yet and that's okay. He doesn't have to participate...just by giving him an idea of where I am may help. He's grateful I am sober..I think. We had a brief discussion when I made amends to him. That helped a little. But it wasn't enough and it's time. Now is the time. I cannot expect him to change...but I can let him know what is changed in me. He's seen it behaviorally to some extent..and he doesn't necessarily like it, but he doesn't really know what I'm feeling. Hard to talk about feelings when the conversation is staying on the surface. My therapist suggested a letter and I'll probably go with that...to get a vacant look will be distracting. And I must remember this quote from Step 7 of the 12 x 12.. Living upon a basis of unsatisfied demands, we were in a state of continual disturbance and frustration. I cannot have any expectations that things will change.....but I can "try to do something about these things" and then accept it and move on.