Whoever said life was supposed to be comfortable...that we needed to feel comfortable? I think I've always been avoiding uncomfortable feelings. When I was a child I do not recall receiving comfort except perhaps from my grandmother. Then as a teenager, being moved to another state..I was definately uncomfortable in my new environment and sought refuge in the comfort of drugs and alcohol. I felt more comfortable with myself and with situations. And that grew into a lifetime of comfort seeking and relief seeking behavior. And alcoholism. And my alcoholism made me the most uncomfortable of all....not necessarily while drinking it....but in the moments when I didn't have it and needed it...the moments when I was recovering from the hangover....the guilt, anger and remorse. These were not comfortable things..which of course led to seeking more comfort.
And getting sober is very uncomfortable. It is uncomfortable to have and admit to an unmanageable life. It is uncomfortable to believe in Something you have no knowledge of. It is uncomfortable to let go and turn it over to that Something. It is uncomfortable to confront your past and be honest. It's uncomfortable to share that honesty with someone else. It is uncomfortable seeking out others in order to make amends. It was uncomfortable to walk into a room of strangers and tell them your deepest darkest secret. It was uncomfortable to pick up the phone and call someone out of the blue and ask for help. It was uncomfortable to approach someone and ask them if they would consider sponsering a wretch. It was uncomfortable to raise my hand. It was uncomfortable to pour a cup of coffee. It was extremely uncomfortable trying to appear comfortable without the usual comfort assistance.
But I did it. And in doing so I found the most comfort I have ever known. All around me. In me. Through me. In others. Too bad I couldn't have found that as a child. But I didn't know what I didn't know. Didn't learn what I wasn't taught. And the journey was mine to follow and I did. I am grateful for that. And today I am very comfortable. And when I'm not I seek refuge in His Presence. And I am more comfortable than ever.
6 comments:
Great post. Just excising those secrets and things that have been kept within, is cleansing and makes me much more comfortable.
girlie, these are the best thoughts here! thank you that, uncomfortable or not, you put this out here...
i like the phrase 'i didn't know what i didn't know'.. how CAN we know until we DO know? and we when KNOW we do better :)
i've always liked this phrase too 'becoming comfortable being uncomfortable'. i'm not there YET. i still want to FIX IT and make the pain go away. but after i flail around a bit trying to figure it all out and i give up, the answer comes. it's like God is saying 'done yet? now let ME fix it'.
I like Molly's "Done yet? Now let ME fix it!" -God
Just a wonderful post, Kathy L. You wrote on mu commentspace a very thoughtful piece, thank you.
And that comment reinforced my realization that this blogginh stuff is often quite serious, for blogger or reader. And in NO WAY am I ever giving it up. (Although I 'chuted out of FaceBook...just too much.
Thank you for all your work here and I'm sure...elsewhere!
Steve E.
you hit on the most crucial aspects of addiction; comfort.
whatever the substance, they initially provide comfort and escape.
you are discovering the things that really matter...i'm so proud of you!
p.s. you are gettin kind of hooked on the friday quiz, love it!!
What an amazing post, and what an amazing post indeed, I find that the more honest I become, the more is revealed, the more I surrender the more peace I feel, the more I love the more love comes back...that is I feel how it has always been all along, but I couldn't accept it nor had the awareness for it, thank you for this post!
Post a Comment