Sunday, December 28, 2008

Risk


Sadly, I had to take the nonsmoking counter off my sidebar. I started again last Tuesday...the stress was getting to me so on the way home from a meeting I argued with myself about stopping to get an outrageously expensive pack and lost. I did not pray. I just wanted relief. And I got it. But I don't think I'm addicted, yet. So I'll start again after the New Year. Or maybe today, I have none left. Smoking sucks...its smelly...and gross....and I've got to sneak around....

My smoking career began when I was in the 6th grade or so. One of my friends had taken a cigarette or 2 from an anti smoking poster at her school. She and another friend smoked it in the woods and then came to my house because my mother smoked. We took some and tried it. I didn't like it but we did it more. Didn't really smoke in earnest though until high school. All the cool kids smoked...and I did too. I finally quit after my grandfather died in 1984 and picked it up again after my son was born in 1991. I was waitressing and it went with the alcohol we drank after our shifts. Smoked off and on after that. Tried to quit many times...finally did about 4 years ago...my drinking increased in earnest then. And I picked it up again in sobriety. Around February or March of this year...been smoking on and off since. A month on, a month off. I thought this time was for good...I'll keep trying. And praying about it.

Of course, my brother saw the butt pot on my porch...leftover from over a month ago that i had forgotten..and had to make a comment. Didn't really bother me..but I felt sad when the wine drinking began last night while making dinner....and then the uncontrollable laughing while we watched Love and Death by Woody Allen. Funny movie...but I could tell his laughter was induced by the wine....I can't lie to say that when I came home from my meeting to my kitchen where my brother was making his famous fish stew and everyone was gathered in the kitchen...sipping and I had to pour myself a diet coke...I longed for the wine...a little. Just a little. More like I longed to drink like other people...but I know that I can't. So gratefuly, I was able let that feeling pass.

Just came in from a long hike through the marsh at our refuge. Through the dunes and onto the beach..unseasonable warm here....but we'll light a fire....make some dinner and satisfy my nephew's desire to play Risk....world domination.....and that's what the holiday is all about....not world domination but spending time with family. Remembering the good times and the bad. Urging my brother to face the reality of his mother. That he is able to deny due to distance and me. Being a good aunt to my niece and nephew. Trying to replace the grandmother they have lost. Encouraging my children to be loving. Appreciating the relationship with my sister in law. Being grateful for my husband and all that he does. And overlooking all that he doesn't do.

9 comments:

molly said...

i had very similar feelings over the holidays - just wanting a 'sip' and to go slightly to that place of 'ease' and lightness. i can be such an 'anal annie' (just made that up) - rigid and NOT wearing life like a loose jacket. today we had a 2.5 year old come over for four hours - 3 hours longer than i would have preferred. at some point, i remembered this saying from ajahn amaro's talk 'don't make anything out of it'. and i softened a bit.

so ya smoked - 'don't make anything out of it'

yup - nothing catastrophic.

J-Online said...

girl, don't beat yourself up. Smoking is my vice. It's so freaking hard. Hugs

Unknown said...

Sounds like it's been stressful and I understand about the smoking, I had quit for over 1.5 years and this year when the proverbial crap hit the fan well what id I do..bought cigarettes and started again, but I didn't drink and it's been three months since I've smoked...I understand this completely! My heart is with you,
GM~*

Judith said...

I had a sudden urge hit me late Christmas night to take a big guzzle straight out of the open bottle of red wine on the counter at my mother-in-law's. It wasn't a driving urge and didn't last more than an astonishing second, but it damn near startled me off my feet. Not only was red wine not my first choice of drink, but the unmannered "who needs a glass?" that flashed through me was awful. Talk about falling back into where you left off and then some.

Yuck.

Shadow said...

hey girl, don't take it off, just re-set it. you'll do it!

Pammie said...

Oh sugar, I'm sorry. You know I quite in March and I've tried to be honest on my blog about how I still want to smoke....because...I STILL WANT TO SMOKE.
36 years for me, and the last 2 years of my smoking it was 3 packs a day!!!
For some reason this simple statement has really helped me:

If I smoke a cigarette the craving will go away. If I DON'T smoke a cigarette the craving will go away also.
Love to you sweet thing I FEEL YA.

Banana Girl said...

K: Risk...what a game. I found that game so tedious when the grandkids brought it at Thanksgiving. I could not sit still long enough to finish. I had to go cook instead. Much more calming and in the end is the real world domination. Hang in there on the cigs and don't make too much of it. It is, according to my sponsor, entirely normal to give in to the other addiction after you have beat the other. I heard a lot in meetings in Texas about using the program to quit. i hope you make it. J.

Mary Christine said...

I LOVE the game Risk. My daughters hate it because it gets contentious with a soldier or two in the family.

I couldn't read the rest of your post because it made me want a cigarette. And I haven't smoked since 1991. So - I guess you can tell that I do understand.

Mary Christine said...

And thanks for the Fr. Keating video. It answered a question I had about the practice.
XXXOOO