Big Book Step Study

I started to work with my new Big Book Step Study sponser. First she had asked me to read the first 63 pages and look up all the words I didn't know. When she asked me that I said I had alread read the Big Book and probably knew the words or at least understood them. So she asked me what altruistic meant. I know what it means but at that moment I couldn't articulate it so.....she said....look it up. Selfless. I knew that. Anyway, doing what is asked has worked for me so far so I did it and we finally met last night to begin reading together. We started with the Doctor's Opinion and read through Bill's Story. It occurred to me that I had not read this stuff out loud with anyone. I read it to myself several times and I listen to it at a Big Book on tape meeting but this was different. It had a fresh meaning for me.

Before we began I talked to her again about whether I was going overboard on this step thing. Not sure if I really need this. I've done the steps with my sponser...or first sponser...whatever...I did them according to the book....so she had me answer the questions on page 53

"We had to ask ourselves why we shouldn't apply to our human problems this same readiness to change our point of view. We were having trouble with personal relationships, we couldn't control our emotional natures, we were a prey to misery and depression, we couldn't make a living, we had a feeling of uselessness, we were full of fear, we were unhappy, we couldn't seem to be of real help to other people - was not a basic solution of these bedevilments more important than whether we should see newsreels of lunar flight? Of course it was."

Did these questions apply to me in sobriety? Am I having trouble with personal relationships? Honestly, the relationship with my husband is not what I would like it to be, I am not happy with my mother or brother, I'd like more from my son, so I guess the answer is yes. Can I control my emotional nature? Certainly more than I could while drinking but not always. Am I a prey to misery and depression? Sometimes. Can I make a living? Yes but perhaps not the living I want. Do I have a feeling of uselessness? Occasionally, more often that I would like. Am I full of fear? I don't think so but the little I have learned makes me think I don't understand the question. Am I unhappy? Not usually but I don't think about it. Can I be of real help to other people? Maybe but I am not confident in my competence.

So we went ahead with the reading. Take turns reading a page at a time. Discussing certain points. I told her a bit about my mother who did suffer permanent brain damage unlike one of the men the Doctor talks about with the gastric stuff. I told her how that led to my sobriety today. My first attempt...my first day...my first meeting...the first time I said I was an alcoholic. When we were done, she said she had no doubt now that I was being led to this process and so she said that she now had no doubt that I should do it. That something was waiting though she didn't know what. I have been feeling led and I guess I needed to hear it from someone else. Kinda freaks me out a little but not enough to stop me, Thank You God.

Nothing changes if nothing changes and the only change can me within me.