Intolerable

Last night I told my husband he was intolerable. The reality was.. I was intolerable. I've been working really hard to stay in the moment..not let the Christmas "spirit" get me and I don't mean Emmanuel...I want to be the person who doesn't care if the tree is done, the cookies made, the toilets cleaned, etc. but I am what I am. I do care. Sadly, I think I am the only one that does, at least in my house. And when it isn't done I become crazy...and I only have myself to blame..I am much much better though because I know this and when I call someone intolerable, like my poor husband, I can catch myself..laugh and apologize and try to explain where it is comeing from. So when I start to feel that angst I can now bring myself down by praying about what really is important. Because none of that stuff is important and apparently I am the only one in my family who thinks it is...so if I don't do it..its A okay. Although, my husband is used to me being a certain way, he's used to me caring and taking for granted what he cares about...and when I am not..he's behind me, whispering in my ear.."but what about this and what about that". But he gets it too. We are a work in progress...it isn't always pretty. But my tree is up..with the lights on, the candles are in the window, the presents are bought, though not wrapped, the menus have been planned...so I'm getting there...downsized...and dare I say...peaceful.

I know that I must not let up on my program especially now. I did not go to my morning meeting yesteday..I wanted to get the MIL's gifts packed to mail..and do a few other things before I went to work...then I went shopping after work. A few last minute gifts at Marshall's. I swear to God, everyone smelled like alcohol in there. Then grocery shopping. By the time I got home I was starving..so called my husband who was also shopping....and said if we are eating together we have to do it NOW. So we met for dinner....but I had the whole H & T thing going of the H.A.L.T. hence the intolerable comment due to the resulting A. So I knew that even though I had planned not to go to a meeting last night so I could finish the tree....I had to go. And I am glad I did. Not only for myself..which I definately needed a meeting but because my fellows need to see me...we need each other. Now more than ever. And I could go home...and apologize....and thank my husband who hooked up all the candles in the window with extension cords so we could light them which made me very happy to pull into my street and see my house lit up.

And I can't wait to go to church and to my AA meetings tommorrow and Christmas morning. I'll have to go by myself...but that's okay. Sunday was so inspiring and moving as we celebrated the Joy of Advent. And my friend who sang moved me to tears. And the snow was falling..we've got about 2 feet now...and it is there that I can continue to recognize and aspire to find the divinity within. And isnt' that what Christmas is all about...