Celebrating This Moment..

In my online group, someone asked the question, what was the most significant event of your sobriety in the last year? We all came up with answers, for me it was when I did my fifth step with my sponser back in February. It all seemed to change then, come into focus. I am about to embark on another fourth step this time with a Big Book Step Study Sponser and I am looking forward to this journey as one that will help me to sponser others. But actually, I bring this up because one woman who is new to the group and new to attempting sobriety answered that since that is the case, the moment of her answer was the most significant moment. This moment. That was a very nice wake up call for me. If I can make each moment the most significant moment of my life, then imagine how significant my life can be. So I choose this moment. Right now to wish my friends here in blogland peace and blessings for the New Year. May each moment of your life be significant. And sober. xo

Risk

Sadly, I had to take the nonsmoking counter off my sidebar. I started again last Tuesday...the stress was getting to me so on the way home from a meeting I argued with myself about stopping to get an outrageously expensive pack and lost. I did not pray. I just wanted relief. And I got it. But I don't think I'm addicted, yet. So I'll start again after the New Year. Or maybe today, I have none left. Smoking sucks...its smelly...and gross....and I've got to sneak around....

My smoking career began when I was in the 6th grade or so. One of my friends had taken a cigarette or 2 from an anti smoking poster at her school. She and another friend smoked it in the woods and then came to my house because my mother smoked. We took some and tried it. I didn't like it but we did it more. Didn't really smoke in earnest though until high school. All the cool kids smoked...and I did too. I finally quit after my grandfather died in 1984 and picked it up again after my son was born in 1991. I was waitressing and it went with the alcohol we drank after our shifts. Smoked off and on after that. Tried to quit many times...finally did about 4 years ago...my drinking increased in earnest then. And I picked it up again in sobriety. Around February or March of this year...been smoking on and off since. A month on, a month off. I thought this time was for good...I'll keep trying. And praying about it.

Of course, my brother saw the butt pot on my porch...leftover from over a month ago that i had forgotten..and had to make a comment. Didn't really bother me..but I felt sad when the wine drinking began last night while making dinner....and then the uncontrollable laughing while we watched Love and Death by Woody Allen. Funny movie...but I could tell his laughter was induced by the wine....I can't lie to say that when I came home from my meeting to my kitchen where my brother was making his famous fish stew and everyone was gathered in the kitchen...sipping and I had to pour myself a diet coke...I longed for the wine...a little. Just a little. More like I longed to drink like other people...but I know that I can't. So gratefuly, I was able let that feeling pass.

Just came in from a long hike through the marsh at our refuge. Through the dunes and onto the beach..unseasonable warm here....but we'll light a fire....make some dinner and satisfy my nephew's desire to play Risk....world domination.....and that's what the holiday is all about....not world domination but spending time with family. Remembering the good times and the bad. Urging my brother to face the reality of his mother. That he is able to deny due to distance and me. Being a good aunt to my niece and nephew. Trying to replace the grandmother they have lost. Encouraging my children to be loving. Appreciating the relationship with my sister in law. Being grateful for my husband and all that he does. And overlooking all that he doesn't do.

Well, Christmas is over...I am grateful for that. The day itself was wonderful I just wish I could have that peace in the time leading up to it. I have a Christmas mentality but I am in a Festivus family. Maybe next year. We had a nice day. My brother and his family are here for the weekend. It's such a difference being with a 9 & 11 yr old. They actually want to decorate trees and make stuff, unlike my own 18 & 20 yr olds. So its fun....but it has been wonderful to fully experience the young adults my children have become. They are good kids and fun to be with. My daughter is hysterical. My son is smart. And watching them with my niece and nephew is inspiring. It's good to be sober.

Have yourself a Merry Little Christmas! xo

Peace and Good Will to All

Intolerable

Last night I told my husband he was intolerable. The reality was.. I was intolerable. I've been working really hard to stay in the moment..not let the Christmas "spirit" get me and I don't mean Emmanuel...I want to be the person who doesn't care if the tree is done, the cookies made, the toilets cleaned, etc. but I am what I am. I do care. Sadly, I think I am the only one that does, at least in my house. And when it isn't done I become crazy...and I only have myself to blame..I am much much better though because I know this and when I call someone intolerable, like my poor husband, I can catch myself..laugh and apologize and try to explain where it is comeing from. So when I start to feel that angst I can now bring myself down by praying about what really is important. Because none of that stuff is important and apparently I am the only one in my family who thinks it is...so if I don't do it..its A okay. Although, my husband is used to me being a certain way, he's used to me caring and taking for granted what he cares about...and when I am not..he's behind me, whispering in my ear.."but what about this and what about that". But he gets it too. We are a work in progress...it isn't always pretty. But my tree is up..with the lights on, the candles are in the window, the presents are bought, though not wrapped, the menus have been planned...so I'm getting there...downsized...and dare I say...peaceful.

I know that I must not let up on my program especially now. I did not go to my morning meeting yesteday..I wanted to get the MIL's gifts packed to mail..and do a few other things before I went to work...then I went shopping after work. A few last minute gifts at Marshall's. I swear to God, everyone smelled like alcohol in there. Then grocery shopping. By the time I got home I was starving..so called my husband who was also shopping....and said if we are eating together we have to do it NOW. So we met for dinner....but I had the whole H & T thing going of the H.A.L.T. hence the intolerable comment due to the resulting A. So I knew that even though I had planned not to go to a meeting last night so I could finish the tree....I had to go. And I am glad I did. Not only for myself..which I definately needed a meeting but because my fellows need to see me...we need each other. Now more than ever. And I could go home...and apologize....and thank my husband who hooked up all the candles in the window with extension cords so we could light them which made me very happy to pull into my street and see my house lit up.

And I can't wait to go to church and to my AA meetings tommorrow and Christmas morning. I'll have to go by myself...but that's okay. Sunday was so inspiring and moving as we celebrated the Joy of Advent. And my friend who sang moved me to tears. And the snow was falling..we've got about 2 feet now...and it is there that I can continue to recognize and aspire to find the divinity within. And isnt' that what Christmas is all about...

It's Beginning to Look A lot Like Christmas

It snowed this morning. I love the first snow, especially in the morning when its quiet and hasn't been ruined by cars and shoveling. When all is silent and you can almost hear the snowflakes softly land. I could look out a window during my morning meeting and just watch the snow fall. Maybe this is what I needed to get in the spirit. I've done the shopping I am going to do. And I loved reading Pam's blog today about how she doesn't decorate or bake. That's where I'm headed. I will enjoy the tree and I'm now in the mood to get one. I will put up some candles in the windows...maybe make one batch of cookies....and then I will be done. No pressure, no worries...and then maybe sell all this junk off. Well, I can't get rid of THAT ceramic Santa....that reminds me of when I was a kid. Mom always put candy canes in it. And not THOSE candleholders. Those were Grandma's. What about.....? I probably won't be able to bear getting rid of alot of stuff....so I'll just bring it all back up to the attic and when I die my kids can throw it out.

One Year Anniversary

NOT MINE!! Actually I celebrated 18 months on the 11th and I celebrated. I announced it at my morning meeting and how I thought there should be a chip for it because I know we're not supposed to count, its a day at a time and all that but a year and half...whoop! It's just hard to believe. One of my friends at the meeting tapped me on the shoulder after my turn passed and presented me with a bottle cap with an orange sticky with 18 months written on it, awesome!...and the chairperson at the end of the meeting called me up and gave me a year medallion and a 6 month chip...proving once again that the squeeky wheel gets the oil.

Anyway...yesterday at the meeting I was chairing and this one guy asked to start...I heard him say "one year ago today..." and I realized I had forgotten to look in the anniversary book...so I scrambled around looking for a card which we didn't have. We are fortunate in that the church we meet in has a gift shop and we can buy cards from them when we run out, so I went next door and picked out a card...came back, wrote a message from the group, wrote my own personal message and then started to pass the card around. Meanwhile he's sharing..and I am hearing about his last drunk, jail, etc. But not really listening. Then the Secretary comes and whispers in my ear...his anniversary is on the 17th...and I'm like...are you sure? Anyway I asked the person...and he confirmed that it was the 17th so I sheepishly put the card away and apologized for jumping the gun. Today he asked to start again and finished his story...his last drink was in the wee hours..he's really doing a countdown of the last debacle....his wife picked him up from jail..the guilt and remorse, the drunk driving..we all know the story. This time I listened. But noone else in the meeting did. Well, the old guys. They were all congratulating him on his year when he made clear it was tomorrow. Whatever. It's confusing I guess. Today he was going to spend at his 5 yr olds Christmas Concert...what a difference a year makes. I am looking forward to the third installment of his story....a year...it's a big deal.

We lost our cable over the weekend. Not complaining, we got a pretty bad ice storm here and many of my friends are still without power and heat...all we lost was our internet for awhile and cable. Lost electricity for about 10 minutes..long enough to find all our stuff and get a fire going. Anyway my son has these DVDs of Penn & Teller's Showtime show Bullsh*t and I started watching them. They have this one on 12 stepping and it was.... well...a bunch of BullSh@#t.

They preface the whole thing by saying they don't know anything about alcoholism or addiction and then proceed to trash AA and the like. Their biggest misconception to me was equating an admission of powerlessness with a lack of self esteem. Heck my self esteem was what got me in trouble in the first place. And admitting powerlessness certainly didn't require that I become a weakling or that I was helpless. Quite the contrary, I became empowered. The bottom line is that they are atheists and can't wrap their heads around the higher power thing. They buy into the whole cult mentality which is annoying. Cannot understand that AA is NOT an organization and so therefore does not have records..heck its Annonymous. And on and on...I guess it bothered me because that was the mentality that I was coming from for so long that perhaps inhibited me from getting help sooner rather than later. Preconceived notions, misconceptions, contempt...and its what I think my Dad would be saying if he were still here and what my brother is probably thinking as well. But what they think is none of my concern. I can only concern myself with staying sober in whatever manner works for me...and after trying so many other ways...AA was the only way...Thank You God! Its just another example of why AA works when other treatments fail...because if you don't have this disease...and by the way.why didnt' they interview someone from the AMA....there is no possible way you can understand it..what it is and how to treat it.

I've been home wrapped up in some sort of virus..called in Friday....to work...to the meeting..felt better yesterday but not good enough to really do anything but I feel like I'm back this morning..yay!

Had a drunk dream last night. Can't really remember it but it left me with a scared feeling. Not sure if it is related to one of my friends in my online group relapsing or the fact that I haven't been to a meeting since Thursday night or maybe because I feel like I have my finger in the dam of the impending Christmas frenzy. Or what used to be frenzy.

I'm trying not to get caught up in it all. In fact this Christmas I feel so different. Last year it was all about staying sober...this year its just different and I don't feel like shopping or decorating or all that stuff. I'm doing it and I'm feeling neglectful when I'm not. And I have no doubt I'll put it together for my family and tradition but this year I feel "holy" and I don't mean that in a "than thou" sort of way. I think that for the very first time I know and that just makes it all different somehow..and I'd rather do church and concerts than malls and presents. I don't want to be rushed to get things done..I want to be quiet and listen.

Maybe I've just had too much time to think the last 2 days...plus its lost time in the countdown and like I said I've got my finger in the dam..fending off......hurry hurry, get the stuff down from the attic...put it all up...get the list done...check it twice....wrap, bake, party, enjoy, give, receive, send, write, and on and on...and I just want to be quiet.

But I've been quiet for 2 days though more in a sleep it off (the virus, silly) sort of way not in the way I'd like...so I will spend today playing catch up hopefully enough so that I can be quiet.

Duh!

I figured out that feedreader thingy. I wasn't signed in so when I clicked on the blogs on my sidebar....it popped up that message....

Big Book Step Study

I started to work with my new Big Book Step Study sponser. First she had asked me to read the first 63 pages and look up all the words I didn't know. When she asked me that I said I had alread read the Big Book and probably knew the words or at least understood them. So she asked me what altruistic meant. I know what it means but at that moment I couldn't articulate it so.....she said....look it up. Selfless. I knew that. Anyway, doing what is asked has worked for me so far so I did it and we finally met last night to begin reading together. We started with the Doctor's Opinion and read through Bill's Story. It occurred to me that I had not read this stuff out loud with anyone. I read it to myself several times and I listen to it at a Big Book on tape meeting but this was different. It had a fresh meaning for me.

Before we began I talked to her again about whether I was going overboard on this step thing. Not sure if I really need this. I've done the steps with my sponser...or first sponser...whatever...I did them according to the book....so she had me answer the questions on page 53

"We had to ask ourselves why we shouldn't apply to our human problems this same readiness to change our point of view. We were having trouble with personal relationships, we couldn't control our emotional natures, we were a prey to misery and depression, we couldn't make a living, we had a feeling of uselessness, we were full of fear, we were unhappy, we couldn't seem to be of real help to other people - was not a basic solution of these bedevilments more important than whether we should see newsreels of lunar flight? Of course it was."

Did these questions apply to me in sobriety? Am I having trouble with personal relationships? Honestly, the relationship with my husband is not what I would like it to be, I am not happy with my mother or brother, I'd like more from my son, so I guess the answer is yes. Can I control my emotional nature? Certainly more than I could while drinking but not always. Am I a prey to misery and depression? Sometimes. Can I make a living? Yes but perhaps not the living I want. Do I have a feeling of uselessness? Occasionally, more often that I would like. Am I full of fear? I don't think so but the little I have learned makes me think I don't understand the question. Am I unhappy? Not usually but I don't think about it. Can I be of real help to other people? Maybe but I am not confident in my competence.

So we went ahead with the reading. Take turns reading a page at a time. Discussing certain points. I told her a bit about my mother who did suffer permanent brain damage unlike one of the men the Doctor talks about with the gastric stuff. I told her how that led to my sobriety today. My first attempt...my first day...my first meeting...the first time I said I was an alcoholic. When we were done, she said she had no doubt now that I was being led to this process and so she said that she now had no doubt that I should do it. That something was waiting though she didn't know what. I have been feeling led and I guess I needed to hear it from someone else. Kinda freaks me out a little but not enough to stop me, Thank You God.

Nothing changes if nothing changes and the only change can me within me.

And as soon as I posted it was gone...geesh!

Feed Reader

"You are viewing a feed that contains frequently updated content. When you subscribe to a feed, it is added to the Common Feed List. Updated information from the feed is automatically downloaded to your computer and can be viewed in Internet Explorer and other programs. "

What's up with that? And why did it happen to my blog list? I have a headache.

On the bright side..I'm supposed to be working so maybe this is a sign....xo

Whining

1. My feet are cold

2. My sponser isn't feeling well so had to cancel our coffee/meeting

3. My sponsee called after not talking to her several weeks, she wanted money

4. My fingertip is black and hard

5. My son hasn't called to report his whereabouts as usual

6. I blew off my list this afternoon so I feel like a deadbeat

7. My boss cannot focus and hasn't given me the workers comp info for the hospital yet

8. I tried to post a clip from A Charlie Brown Christmas and it didn't go through

ON THE FLIP SIDE

1. I have heat and can put on socks

2. I can send her a get well chicken soup via facebook

3. I can say no even if it is only 5 bucks

4. Maybe that means its healing?

5. I trust him

6. I am well rested from a nap

7. I can be a calm in the storm

8. I can tell you: THAT'S IT! PANTOPHOBIA! (and to find out you will have to watch it)

And even more..I am sober, serene and settled. peace out

My Turn at Honesty

Thanks Judith over at Vicarious Rising and seems like a good enough reason to test my finger on the keyboard. Forgive the typos....

Most of you have already seen or done this so....


Here's the rules:
List 10 honest things about myself
Pass the award on to 7 bloggers
10 random honest things about ME and it is all about ME:

1. While all my life I "prided" myself on honesty and spouted it all the time....held myself up as a tell it like it is person....this last year of sobriety it the ONLY time I have been truly honest. When I can't be...I shut up.

2. One of the things about honesty that really troubles me....if I haven't been honest with myself all of my life....how do I know I'm being honest with myself now?

3. I have periods of doubt aboout this Higher Power thing.

4. I talk about how busy I am but what I am most busy at is procrastination.

5. I don't like my mother.

6. I've seen my daughter stretch the truth in the same way that I did and I haven't talked to her about it.

7. I know money isn't everything but I wish I had it.

8. When I first started to drive, I used to hit lots of cars in parking lots, not on purpose and leave fake notes so people thought I was doing the "right" thing.

9. I'm a flirt and use my marriage as a shield.

10. I felt bad because I didn't make the list of many bloggers who passed this on.

So now I'm supposed to pass this on to 7 bloggers.....so here goes..

A Sober Woman of God
One Prayer Girl
It's a Brain Disease
In God's Hands
Stop, Drop and Recover
Hand in Hand with the Spirit of the Universe
Recovery Archive
Recovering Wino
Another Sober Alcoholic

I know there's more than seven...see number 10. And if you aren't on the list its cause my finger hurts so consider yourself awarded...xo

ouch

i can't really type too well. I chopped off a corner of my finger today. got 2 stiches and a tetnus shot...so...i'll be remiss in my posts for awhile this time for a real reason. if you could see all my backspaces just to get this out you'd understand. no comments either...but i'll be reading. xo