I got a call last night from the minister at the church where I practice Centering Prayer and where we hold our 11th Step Saturday meetings. One of her parishiners had been on a 3 week binge, just discharged from the local hospital and 2 church ladies had been sitting with her all day while her boyfriend was working. He had apparently sent an SOS to the church. She was looking for someone to relieve them. By the time I got the message and called her back, she already had enlisted 2 other church members (I cant figure out how to spell parishiner) one of whom described himself as an "AA Alum", to get her to a meeting.
My first instinct was to run out and rescue everyone. Which I didn't. And which I couldn't as I had no vehicle anyway. I offered to go (cause I forgot I didn't have my vehicle) and bring other AA members with me but it seemed they had it covered. I explained that there is no such thing as an AA alum but maybe those were just the terms he was using for non AA members. On top of that, his wife is the Secretary at my son's school so once I heard that I didn't want to break my annonymity with her. Although if she's married to a member of AA what the heck am I worried about?
Anyway, I spoke with the minister and another member, made some suggestions and left it that they could call me if they needed me. I sat with that all night as to whether that was enough. Because for me, I always feel like what I do is not good enough. Should do more. Should have been a good AA member and took matters into my own hands, rallied the AA troops and descended upon this woman's home, kicked out the well meaning church people and did a 12th step call, bring her to a meeting, pound some AA into her head. But what I did instead was make suggestions, offer support and say a prayer. I think that was enough. I think.
My problem here is my ego. If I had been there I could have fixed everything because I am me. What do They think of me that I didn't rush there? It's also my fear. What will happen if I do go and she doesn't respond? Or I see someone I know? What if I fail? Blah, blah, blah. Fear, doubt, and insecurity. Which is why I can't settle for that I did enough for one night. Today is a new day. I followed up and what happened was that they brought her to the hospital. I'm still here and she's where she is supposed to be. And that 12th step call can still happen.
7 comments:
I am not necessary to all processes, but as I do reflect on my actions at the end of the day I have to decide whether I really didn't move because of fear ... or because God has it all in his hands and I realize I'm not the only one that can carry a message of recovery...
You seem to have the right idea anyway, you gave it to God.
I've not been much of one for anonymity for myself, I'm willing to out myself to anyone I think may be helped by my story and experience... it's how I was taught to live. My co-workers know, my friend and family know, my whole church congregation is in on the secret. Living in fear never got me anywhere.
It sounds like everything you did was right, you offered, God has it, you prayed and left it to God. Maybe this is the best thing that has happened for the AA alum... well since he graduated LOL if he has, and hey if he's performing a service to a drunk... he probably hasn't. :)
I think everything is just as it should be, and you are a willing and wonderful member of the fellowship! Everyone's in the palm of the Spirit of the Universe! :) YAY God.
‘AA Alum’ - the person may have been in AA for a while and at some point felt they ‘graduated’ - moved on to another method perhaps.
Sounds like the thing left at this point is “how can I help”?
Egos make problems when there are none (or at least mine does!)
Let's see...first, comes to mind (have no idea why!)"Let Go, Let God"
Hmm. That is sometimes not easy as most people who DO things, who are ACTIVE in AA realize. You are a DO-er
as such MAY frequently second-guess yourelf...bur all will be well.
Other thought (I don't have many of those!): Each day we can press the "RESET" button on our lives.
Actually we can press that button at any moment thoughout our day...I just remember to RESET every morning--or night--or New Years' or whenever....or NOT!
Peace.
BTW, I'm not intending to be "preaching" here, just 'talking'.
it has become second nature for me to ask someone who has more experience in aa for advice on anything I am not sure about. i very rarely try to figure things out all on my own. I get as much feedback as possible so I do not feel pressured to come up with the 'right' answer. I ask. and ask again. I do it without thinking now. there is usually a very simple answer to most things.
I am sure this will resolve itself in time. the opportunity to help will arise.
Nice boundaries, Kath. I'm serious.
Perhaps some history will help:
It was 10 p.m. The doorbell rang. Tom, the Club's maintenance man, said there was "some bum from St. Louis" to see him. Reluctantly, Bill said, "Send him up." To himself, he muttered, "Not another drunk. "
But Bill welcomed the stranger, all the same. As the man shuffled to a wooden chair opposite the bed and sat down, his black raincoat fell open, revealing a Roman collar.
"I'm Father Ed Dowling from St. Louis," he said. "A Jesuit friend and I have been struck by the similarity of the AA twelve steps and the Spiritual Exercises of St. Ignatius."
"Never heard of them."
Father Ed laughed. This endeared him to Bill. Robert Thomsen tells the rest of the story this way in his book, Bill W.:
"The curious little man went on and on, and as he did, Bill could feel his body relaxing, his spirits rising. Gradually he realized that this man sitting across from him was radiating a kind of grace...
Primarily, Father Ed wanted to talk about the paradox of AA, the 'regeneration,' he called it, the strength arising out of defeat and weakness, the loss of one's old life as a condition for achieving a new one. And Bill agreed with everything..."
Soon Bill was talking about all the steps and taking his fifth step (telling the exact nature of his wrongs) with this priest who had limped in from a storm. He told Father Ed about his anger, his impatience, his mounting dissatisfactions. "Blessed are they," Father Ed said, "who hunger and thirst."
When Bill asked whether there was ever to be any satisfaction, the priest snapped, "Never. Never any." Bill would have to keep on reaching. In time, his reaching would find God's goals, hidden in his own heart. Thomsen continues:
"Bill had made a decision, Father Ed reminded him, to turn his life and his will over to God ... he was not to sit in judgment on how he or the world was proceeding. He had only to keep the channels open ... it was not up to him to decide how fast or how slowly AA developed ... For whether the two of them liked it or not, the world was undoubtedly proceeding as it should, in God's good time."
Father Ed continued quoting Bill's work to him. No one had been able to maintain perfect adherence to the principles. None were saints. They claimed spiritual progress, not spiritual perfection.
Before Father Ed left, he pulled his body up, and leaning on his cane he thrust his head forward and looked straight into Bill's eyes. There was a force in Bill, he said, that was all his own. It had never been on this earth before, and if Bill did anything to mar it or block it, it would never exist anywhere again.
That night, for the first time in months, Bill Wilson slept soundly.
Thus began a 20-year friendship nourished by visits, phone calls, and letters. Both men spoke the language of the HEART, learned through suffering: Bill from alcoholism, Father Ed from arthritis that was turning his back to stone.
You responded with the Language of the Heart and that is really all that matters. No? LU, J.
beautiful what banana girl wrote!
hope you feeling better about everything :)
Post a Comment