Still Sober

Thanks, I needed that! Not sure why I needed a break but I did. Actually, in really looking at me, myself and I these last weeks, I think I realized that it was more of my meeting schedule that needed shaking up and not my writing schedule. Truth be told, I did not work a stitch on my fourth step. And leaving the blogging behind did not help me in that area. I thought maybe I had just lost my momentum, that because my ass wasn't on fire I was allowing my "busy" schedule to take over. This past weekend dealing with my Mom over Easter, reading the fourth step at my step meeting and talking to my sponser helped me to realize that really it was that I didn't want to deal with the feelings surrounding my mother. Yes I did my fourth step over a year ago and yes my mother was on it, but it was thorough and honest to the best of my ability at 4 months sober...I think I'm a little more insightful about my feelings now. So really it comes down to that four letter word FEAR. So yes, I need to write about this stuff, work it out. That is what's best for me.

What isn't best for me is sitting in a daily meeting at 7 am, just because that is what I have done for the last almost 2 years. I have been tired..meaning not getting enough sleep, in my case it provides too many opportunities to do 12th step work and it messes with my morning meditation time. One of my defects is the compulsion to help everybody...feel your pain......and I carry it with me. So at the morning meeting there is plenty of opportunity. The room is full of different levels of sobriety...newcomers, eager or kickin' and screaming, oldtimers, real and crusty, two steppers ( 1 & 12), three steppers (1, 2 & 3), chronic relapsers, and then, thank you God, the good old fashioned solution sharers, carrying the message. I try to be the last. But it is not always appreciated, that's okay I can take it but I need to be more discerning about who I bring it to and who I listen to. Anyway, daily? It was necessary for me in the beginning..I needed the consistancy...the family. But I don't think so anymore. And we'll give this schedule shake up a try and see if it doesn't help. I chair on Mondays so of course I'll go then...and then fill in when I can't make one of my evening meetings. That sounds like a plan.

And then of course, as my sponser has suggested, I will continue to pray on these bumps along the road. The bumps that cause me to feel unsettled, discontent, not really irritable, just edgy. These things are opportunities for growth, spiritual growth. I need to listen, make the necessary adjustments and continue along the path that leads to the road of Happy Destiny.

I know this blog, and your blogs, after a 3 week hiatus, were NOT something I could leave behind, not that I was planning to. For me, meditation, writing and service are necessary to staying sober.